Don't Look Under the Internet
Welcome to the internet! We told you not to look, yet here we are. If you don't know, this is a podcast about strange and mysterious internet oddities. Join Doug, Jason, Matt and Mike as they dredge the deepest, darkest, most deranged depths of the internet so you don't have to. Each episode will attempt to uncover the truth behind some of the weirdest, creepiest, and most complicated mysteries the internet has to offer.
Don't Look Under the Internet
DLUTI 159 - Really Tall Smegmar 9 the Musical
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What if you could summon a dead meme lord with a slice of pineapple pizza? We kick things off with some playful housekeeping, giving shout-outs to some of our listeners." Buckle up as we crack open our favorite beverage, Liquid Death, and plunge headfirst into a wild debate about the gritty charm of analog horror. From haunted TikTok dances to cursed Minecraft servers, our laughs are non-stop. You'll also hear Douglas recount his hair-raising fear of cursed apps and a VR demon-summoning mishap. If you remember cursed email chains, get ready to relive those spine-chilling days with a humorous twist.
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Internet Horrors and Other Shit
Speaker 1Don't look under the internet sync up really video all right , all right , I'm recording sync video sync , sync , sync , fart sync .
Speaker 3All right , it toilet yo yo yo , what's up ? Freaks and geeks , welcome to another episode of Internet Horrors and Other Shit where we dig deep into the darkest dankest corners of the interwebs . I'm your host , mike , and joining me as always are my homies Matt .
Speaker 4He's over there .
Speaker 3He's over there Somewhere , I don't know . There's Jason . Yeah , I think he's over there . Hi and the ever verbose , douglas Verbose . It is on Everbose . Yeah , he's got that verbose .
Speaker 1Do me a flavor , mike , I need you to , just off the shoot , do some housekeeping for me . Yeah , I could do that .
Speaker 2I was going to say are we just skipping housekeeping ?
Speaker 1No , I can't Deloady .
Speaker 4Housekeeping .
Speaker 1Mike's been off work too much . I think , he's forgotten how to people .
Speaker 3I don't do everything when you don't use your muscles , you lose the ability to use them , two people that I want to give a shout out to . We're going to play the game Name .
Speaker 4Name . Will we ridic two . We're going to play the game .
Speaker 3Name Name Question mark Name Name . Will we ridicule you or not ? So first off we have Pecorina . I like Pecorina .
Speaker 4The child in me loves that .
Speaker 3Pecorina , I'm okay with it . It's not your like Matt's bar , it's not your name .
Speaker 1Six out of nine Pecor .
Speaker 3And then we also have oh no , I shit my pants . So we have that going for us , which is nice . It's pretty good .
Speaker 4We have some good names . Yeah , I like those , but oh , no , I shit my pants .
Speaker 3Oh , no , I shit my pants . Yeah , that's really that's the housekeeping . Not a whole , whole heck of a lot going on , but you know not with , not in housekeeping world no , no , we have some good stuff going on in the episode we have a good episode . World going on , yeah you're right .
Speaker 2A good episode world a world of episodes a world not to be confused with the world of t-shirts yeah
Speaker 3yeah , like my t-shirt anyway before we get started um , uh , let's , let's just crack open a cold one , boys , hey , um , I got , I got my liquid death sparkling water trademark pending . Uh , because hydration , am I right ?
Speaker 1liquid death , bro , more like liquid birth , because I'm reborn every time I sip this shit can we not start with the beverage propaganda ?
Speaker 2Anyway , let's talk analog horror . I hate that shit . It's like watching a VHS tape of paint drying .
Speaker 4Bro , I love me some analog horror . It's like metal music of scary movies Raw gritty and fucks with your head .
Speaker 3I thought you said fucks with your hands , fucks your hands . Speaking of movies , though , y'all catch that new flick about the haunted TikTok dance , classic internet horror , am I right ? It's called TikTok dance ? It's called TikTok , tiktok your life's on the clock .
Speaker 1Dude . The scariest part was definitely how they danced Like scarier than my browser history after a night of tequila shots .
Speaker 3Doug , you are off the rocker right now , dude .
Speaker 2Tequila shots . That explains why you thought Analog Horror Movie was deep . The Analog Horror Movie .
Speaker 4Do you remember that meme about the cursed Minecraft server ? No , Well it turns out it was just some kid who didn't know how to install mods .
Speaker 3Do we have a patoomch on here somewhere ?
Speaker 4Nope , nope , all right .
Speaker 3All right , all right , no , let's keep this going . Let's keep this shit rolling . So have you guys also heard about the Legend of the Haunted meme ? Don't do that to me again .
Speaker 1Not this shit again , not again , oh this shit again , not again .
Speaker 4Oh my god .
Speaker 3Supposedly , if you watch it at midnight with a slice of pineapple pizza , you summon the spirit of a dead meme lord .
Speaker 4I like how it knew I liked pineapple pizza .
Speaker 3You put that in there .
Speaker 1Wait , wait , wait . So you're saying , instead of saying Bloody Mary three times , we just need pizza and memes . Correct , count me in .
Speaker 2You guys are seriously deranged . Pizza and memes won't summon anything except heartburn and regret .
Speaker 4Speaking of regrets , you remember that time we binge-watched that series about cursed apps . Doug couldn't sleep for like a week , thinking his phone was possessed .
Speaker 1Oh yeah , hey those apps were legit creepy , all right . I had to switch to a flip phone for like a week , thinking his phone was possessed . Oh yeah , that was good , hey . Hey , those apps were legit creepy , all right , I had to switch to a flip phone for like a week .
Speaker 3Dude , you're like a walking cautionary tale , uh . But for realsies on this one . The internet is just a treasure trove of the horror stories . Do you guys remember that one , uh , about the online game that glitched and spawned a glitchy demon that looked like a pixelated Cathala Cathala ?
Speaker 2Yeah , and then we spent all night arguing if it was a real glitch or just bad game design .
Speaker 4A little bit of both . Oh , it was definitely bad game design . But speaking of glitches , Doug once tried to summon a demon with a VR headset . He ended up punching the wall and crying like a baby .
Speaker 1Hey , vr is immersive , immersive . All right , I thought I saw slenderman and I panicked I would too .
Speaker 3That's a classic move , doug uh . Anyway , what about those cursed emails that supposedly curse your inbox if you don't forward them to 10 people ?
Speaker 2we've come about seriously , seriously . People still fall for those . It's 2024 not 2004 yeah , but again .
Speaker 4Doug ford went to us just last week .
Speaker 1Now he's convinced he's cursed with bad wi-fi hey , my wi-fi sucks because of my neighbor , not because of some stupid email curse that's the classic internet bud , uh , but hey , what about those creepy pasta stories like who actually sleeps ?
Speaker 4this is rapidly cycling between topics this is literally just a game of like yeah , but what about this ? Do you remember that this is how our conversation works ?
Speaker 3right guys ? Yeah , but what about this ? Do you remember that this ?
Speaker 1is how our conversation works , right , guys . Mike , what was ? Do you want to cohesively ? Say your last thing to me again Cohesively ?
Speaker 3Cohesively he actually sleeps at night , right .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , probably the same people who use Internet Explorer like you , mike . You piece of fucking shit . These guys are living their own horror story . Yeah .
Speaker 2Along with the ones who believe every conspiracy theory on Reddit . They're the real internet monsters .
Speaker 3Speaking of monsters do you guys remember the time that Doug ?
Speaker 4tried to summon one with that Ouija board app . Dude you almost shit your pants .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know .
Speaker 4I was just trying to Do you remember , do you remember ?
Speaker 1I do all right , Peter Griffin , I was trying to spice up game night . Okay , you guys are just no fun . Hey , you guys remember the time ?
Speaker 3All right guys , let's wrap this up before doug summons something else . Am I right ? Yeah , there it is . Hey , uh , thanks for tuning in everybody to internet horrors and other shit . Stay spooky , stay stupid . Don't click on that shady link . It's probably just doug sending nudes again . I'm not gonna lie . I kind of like that outro . Stay spooky , stay stupid .
Speaker 2Stay stupid .
Speaker 4Keep your Wi-Fi password stronger . Doug will hack your toaster .
Speaker 1I've done it before , why not ?
Speaker 2There needs to be a page break here , so if you haven't figured it out yet , yeah . We're doing something that people asked for again for some reason bye doug , doug , doug and doug is done . No , I saw my people requested that I write stuff .
Speaker 3What ?
Speaker 2right , why would they do ? That I don't know why anybody would do that now people ask for another ai episode , so that's , that's what you're getting this week . Um , I want to play a little bit of a game moving forward , so I generated a bunch of these . They're largely variations on the same thing , but I changed the prompt slightly each time and I want everybody to guess what I added to the prompt so clearly I was doing a bunch of dumb shit .
Speaker 1In the last one , I don't know what the prompt was .
Speaker 2The prompt , for the last one was literally just . I described the podcast .
Speaker 1I'm just the guy doing all the stupid shit .
Speaker 2The only thing I told it was that you liked horror movies , but it becomes fairly obvious through some of them , but it becomes fairly obvious through some of them . Yeah , I noticed that , as I gave it a suggestion , it really ran with them in some cases .
Speaker 4Any amount of suggestion . This thing's like fuck yeah , let's do it . But this one , oh yeah . So we're trying to guess what the what the difference is between .
Speaker 2Yeah , you added right , I added I added one , sometimes two things to the part . I kept the prompt mostly the same , but added one or two things each time .
Speaker 3This is going to go real well for me , alright .
Speaker 4Same .
Speaker 3I'm bad at guessing games . I need to get into my role , Alright you do that , so should we do this like the last one ? Each one has its own different intro music . Yeah , cue the new intro music right here .
Speaker 2Now we can just AI generate intro music .
Speaker 3That's true , now we don't have to do anything .
Speaker 1Wow , I really want to say that this next one you really got to take in the acting cues on this yeah .
Speaker 4Don't tell me how to live my life . See , he's already got it anyway . Yeah , actually , music , we're starting fresh I didn't like that last one .
Speaker 3That last one . We needed an update , so run it back run it back . Cue the new intro music . We're doing this again , ready go don't look under the internet . Welcome back you spooky sons of bitches . This is Mike from Don't Look Under the Internet .
Speaker 2Yeah , because everybody was just dying for more horror podcasts from four idiots in a basement .
Speaker 4Hey , matt , shut the fuck up . We got fans all right , real ones .
Speaker 1Speaking of fans , did you see the one in my grandma's attic last night ? Totally haunted bro .
Speaker 3Well , guess what folks ? We're pivoting . That's right , no more creepy crawlies , we're diving headfirst into wait for it .
Speaker 2Competitive knitting sunday sunday , sunday oh yeah , mike , because the world really needs another knitting podcast . So thrilling .
Speaker 4Fuck that noise . How about we do a podcast on beer bongs and mosh pits ?
Speaker 3I don't know what that word means . Like you're better than everyone .
Speaker 4No way .
Speaker 3Jason , no way , we're doing knitting . We're doing knitting and that's final . Your word is indignantly , people heard my thoughts on crochet techniques .
Speaker 1Oh , and I could talk about how to knit a sweater that scares the shit out of ghosts . Imagine that .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , That'll be a big hit with our demographic of zero .
Speaker 4You know what would be killer , though ? Metal music reviews paired with wine tasting .
Speaker 3Classy as fuck , Guys . This knitting thing is going to blow up . We're going to be like theashians of the yarn world can we call ourselves the yarn gangstas ?
Speaker 2I hate everything about that this is officially the dumbest thing we've ever done , and we've done some pretty dumb shit hey , matt , remember that time you tried to summon a demon with a toaster . It was an accident , okay ?
Speaker 3Besides that , demon had a good taste in podcasts . Alrighty folks , mark your calendars . Next week we'll teach you how to knit a sweater that doubles as a bear trap .
Speaker 4Stay tuned . Wait , do you think they'll let us keep the name ?
Speaker 2Don't Look Under the Internet for the knitting podcast yeah , because nothing screams knitting like Don't Look Under the Internet , perfect .
Speaker 1Or we could change it to Don't Look Under the Knitting Needle . I'm a genius , guys .
Speaker 3I love it , dude , that's not bad , actually . All right , knitting aficionados and fellow yarn enthusiasts , this is Mike , your knitting guru from Don't Look Under the Knitting Needle .
Speaker 2I still can't believe we're doing this .
Speaker 4Yeah , I'm so pumped to talk about the yarn stuff .
Speaker 1Dilutkin , I was trying to literally saying it in my head , diluty with the knitting , anyways . And haunted sweaters . Don't forget the haunted sweaters , guys Line .
Speaker 3Today we're deep diving into the world of yarn bombing . Ever tried convincing your neighbor's garden gnome in a knit Covering your neighbor's garden gnome in a knitted bikini ? Shit's a riot dog .
Speaker 2Because nothing says community spirit like vandalizing public property with granny squares .
Speaker 3I don't know what that is Matt .
Speaker 4do you remember that time you got caught knitting in the bathroom stall at work ?
Speaker 2It was a stressful day , okay . Knitting relaxes me .
Speaker 1Well , speaking of relaxation , I found this ancient knitting pattern that someone's the ghost of a viking . Should we try it ?
Speaker 3absolutely dog . But first let's discuss our top five yarn colors for summoning spirits .
Speaker 2I vote for blood red and graveyard gray we're really scraping the bottom of the knitting basket here , aren't we bottom ?
Speaker 4Bottom of the bottle more like it .
Speaker 3All right , folks , stay tuned for our special guest this week , next week Martha Stewart . We got fucking Martha Stewart . Holy shit , oh shit . She's going to show us how to knit a cozy for your house arrest ankle . It's going to be lit .
Speaker 2Yeah , because when I think of Martha Stewart , I think of hardcore knitting tips .
Speaker 1Martha knows her shit , man Don't hate . Hey , maybe she'll teach us how to knit a haunted gingerbread house . Imagine the ghosts .
Speaker 3All right folks , remember to subscribe . Stay tuned for more knitting adventures with your favorite idiots .
Speaker 4Peace out I think this is a bit .
Podcast Hilarity and Horror Discussion
Speaker 4I was about to say is this the same ?
Speaker 2No , this is not the same episode , I think I I think I see what so this thing that had two things added .
Speaker 4It was make everyone much more emotional make jason drunk , but make me drunk , for sure make doug too into ghosts .
Speaker 3How did it divulge into knitting , did you ?
Speaker 4do that . Yeah , that's the other thing . It's deludy is a knitting podcast now it's just like fuck it .
Speaker 2Give us a hobby to talk about so jason being drunk actually wasn't a new thing . Um the . The one thing was you got the knitting thing sort of . I just told it to change the topic of the podcast to something completely irrelevant and that that's what it decided to do . The other thing I added was um .
Speaker 3Under my characteristics , I put is a hater and so that's why every single line of mine is like yeah , sounds great awesome I like how , when it did that it just made every line of yours just yeah , that'll go great or or yeah , that shows this .
Speaker 2Biggest cynic in the world .
Speaker 1I did it because Doug called me a hater the other day . What did I call you a hater ?
Speaker 2about ? I don't know . You were just like man . I thought before we started this podcast that I was a hater . But now you're on another level . I don't know what it was about .
Speaker 3You're on another level of a hater .
Speaker 1A hater .
Speaker 2A hater . So , all of these changed . There's a change in all of them .
Speaker 3Oh , fuck , yeah , Alright . I didn't like how off-topic that one went . I didn't like how it went too far into knitting . So let's regroup , try it again .
Speaker 1Take three , take three take three .
Speaker 3Hit the new intro music we're going again .
Speaker 2Was that it hit it ?
Speaker 3welcome back horror freaks to another episode . I still gotta change that . Uh , welcome back horror freaks to another episode of Don't Look Under the Internet . I'm your host , mike , and I'm here with my bros Matt , hi , doug , doug , doug and our resident metalhead , jason .
Speaker 4Horns up bitches , get ready to get spooky and shit .
Speaker 2Oh , why do we even do this ? Horror movies are so dumb . They're all as fake as my ex-girlfriend's orgasm .
Speaker 3Okay , then let's dive right in , Doug . What horrifying tales do you have for us today ?
Speaker 1Oh yeah , horrifying tales do you have for us today ? Oh , um , yeah , uh . So there's a dude and like um , his eyeballs got eaten um by , like killer squirrels or something like that . Um , it was intense .
Speaker 4Ugh , killer , squirrels , shit Doug . You sure you didn't mix up your tabs on that phone game you're playing nah , dude , totally paying attention .
Speaker 2Killer squirrels are real horror , my dude , yeah , real horror real horror is this podcast and the fact that Mike thinks he's scary when he's just scary looking hey .
Speaker 3What I can be terrifying .
Speaker 2Do you think you're scary when you're ? Just scary looking .
Speaker 4He's a scary kid . Scaring kids , yeah , oh , okay .
Speaker 3Don't you remember that time I wore that clown mask , you guys screamed like we little girls .
Speaker 4Mike , you screamed too , and you weren't even wearing the mask .
Speaker 1What the fuck , oh dudes , yo , this one time I heard about this totally haunted dildo .
Speaker 2Oh God , doug , Not the haunted dildo story again Every damn week , with you and the haunted dildos Every week . Not the haunted dildo story again , every damn week with you and the haunted dildos .
Speaker 3That's very weird Haunted dildos .
Speaker 4Doug , you're a legend man .
Speaker 3Yeah , All right , all right , all right . Okay , how about we talk about horror movie cliches Like why do they always have to investigate the weird noises in the dark ?
Speaker 2Yeah , because clearly that's how people survive in real life , right ? Oh , I hear a chainsaw in the basement . Let me go check it out chainsaws .
Speaker 1Now we're talking horror classics leatherface baby there's this game where you chop up people with chainsaws doug , are we still talking about horror movies or video games ? Both .
Speaker 2Yeah , both . This is why we never get anywhere . Can we at least agree on the scariest horror movie of all time ?
Speaker 4The Exorcist brother .
Speaker 3Damn right , that shit still gives me nightmares .
Speaker 2I don't know why I wouldn't say that , unlike Mike's clown mask . What Fuck your clown mask . Mike Doug , my man , what stupid clown mask .
Speaker 1What spine-tingling horror are we delving into today ? Oh yeah , so there's this movie and this dude he turns into a werewolf and then eats his own leg .
Speaker 4Werewolves are sick man , Especially when they get all hairy and start howling at the moon .
Speaker 2Yeah , because that's totally believable , Just like Doug paying attention right now .
Speaker 4Alright Got it ?
Speaker 3How about we discuss the scariest place we've ever been ?
Speaker 4Ooh , Ooh , the back alley of that metal bar . Last weekend , dude , I swear , I saw a ghostly figure headbanging to Slayer .
Speaker 1Yeah , and then I found this hidden level somewhere . What In real life ?
Speaker 3It was like a secret boss level or something Guys focus ? What about urban legends ? Anybody ?
Speaker 4got a good one . Yeah , there's this one about a curse what ? There's , this one about a curse guitar that , if you play it backwards , summons the devil to tune it because you know you just fucked it up .
Speaker 2Right , because Satan has nothing better to do than be a roadie for some wannabe rock star . I'm such a fucking hater man .
Speaker 3Okay , final thoughts .
Podcast Horror Fun and Chaos
Speaker 3If you could survive any horror movie scenario , which would it be ?
Speaker 4Friday , the 13th . I'd take on Jason Voorhees with a keg in one hand and a guitar in the other .
Speaker 2Yeah , good luck with that . You'd be the first one to die , dude .
Speaker 3All right , folks , let's wrap it up for today . Remember stay scared , stay tuned and don't look under the internet .
Speaker 4And remember drink responsibly . Unless you're Jason Voorhees , then drink all you want , because you're already dead Sick .
Speaker 3So I'm going to assume .
Speaker 4I was supposed to be Macho man . Randy Savage , was that ? Jason is Macho .
Speaker 3Man you definitely added in his metal head into there for Jason , I added that for Jason .
Speaker 2I was just disinterested in being around the podcast or I was too focused on playing a video game you were playing games on your phone the entire time hell , yeah , okay , yeah that sounds that sounds right .
Speaker 1That sounds right I dig it .
Speaker 3I . I enjoy how um I was at in two sentences , went from wearing a clown mask to not wearing said clown mask ever .
Speaker 2It's mentioned .
Speaker 3That's all that matters . How did it know ? I've worn a clown mask one time ?
Speaker 4It's a stupid clown mask .
Speaker 2AI knows no bounds .
Speaker 1Guys , that one sucked , we gotta do it again .
Speaker 3It did suck . I need more Hold on .
Speaker 4Okay , I think our producer just chimed in saying , yeah , you gotta pick it up , do something different . Nobody's really responding .
Speaker 2Finley hates it , finley fucking hates it .
Speaker 3Yeah , we can't be on his bad side . He's the only reason we're able to stay afloat these trying times .
Speaker 1Guys , this just in Bork .
Speaker 3Well , there you have this . Just end Bork .
Speaker 2Alright , let's do this for Finn . He's really fucking mad this time .
Speaker 4He's really fucking mad oh shit , my blink just went .
Speaker 3Oh god , he just pulled up to the driveway . I'm not ready ? Get the fine china out . Run it back . Run it back . Maybe if we , before Laurie answers the door , let's rewind it back . Run it back . Maybe if we oh shit , he's here Before Laurie answers the door , let's rewind it back . Let's do a whole new one and when he comes into it in the middle of it . Maybe it'll sound better than last .
Speaker 1Like we're actually doing live .
Speaker 4Yeah , so run the intro Intro . Okay .
Speaker 3Welcome back all you sick freaksaks to another episode of don't look under the internet .
Speaker 2I'm your host , mike , here with my equally messed up co-host , matt hi doug yep jason uh , yep , the only podcast where we talk about stuff that'll give you nightmares for weeks . I'm matt , your resident skept , because you know I actually have a life .
Speaker 1And I'm Doug horror movie junkie extraordinaire . I once watched the Exorcist backwards just to see if it was scarier . Spoiler alert it was .
Speaker 2They put the demon inside her .
Speaker 1They put the demon inside her Way .
Speaker 3More terrifying A priest comes levitating through a window steps the demon out of him into a little girl .
Speaker 1Just all of that vomit going back into her head , yeah .
Speaker 4Well , she's cleaning up . She's nice . I'm sorry . I'm Jason . I assist in surgeries during the day , but at night I'm here to talk with you , fine folks , drowning my nightmares in alcohol , cheers .
Speaker 3Speaking of nightmares , did you guys hear about that new urban legend ? Yes , apparently , if you binge watch Scooby-Doo backwards , backwards , you summon a demon that eats your pizza left why the fuck would you ever want that ?
Speaker 1that is bullshit , mike , just like your theory that if you watch the ring on mute , the ghosts get stuck in sign language what the fuck does that mean ?
Speaker 2some grade a idiocy right there . I bet next you'll tell us you saw Slenderman in your shower this morning .
Speaker 3Hey , it wasn't Slenderman , it was just my razorless reflection .
Speaker 4I think I know what they're going for . Hold on , hold on , hold on Mike , are you okay ? You look pale , no , no , pale , literally .
Speaker 3I'm just , I'm just embracing my inner . I'm just embracing my inner vampire . It's all a rage now , you know .
Speaker 1Speaking of vampires , did you guys hear about the haunted blood bank ? They say it's so spooky even Dracula won't go near it . Oh please .
Speaker 2Doug , the only thing scary about blood banks is the bill they send you after you donate . Isn't it the other way around ?
Speaker 1Yeah , I think it is .
Speaker 4Well , you know what's really scary ? My boss's breath after a 12-hour surgery . It's like a mix of formaldehyde and regret .
Speaker 3Speaking of regret . At that time I tried to summon Bloody Mary in the studio bathroom . Turns out it was just Doug in a bathroom .
Speaker 1Classic mix-up . But seriously , folks , tonight's topic is creepier than Mike's internet search history Serial killers who collect toenail clippings oh yeah because we definitely talk about serial killers sociopath with a foot fetish okay , you guys are riot .
Speaker 4I was speaking of which . Does anyone hear that ?
Speaker 3that strange like drip no , no , nope , nope , nope , jason , you're just imagining things . Remember when you thought that surgical glove was haunted last week ?
Speaker 1Hey , hey you guys . Do you remember that doll we brought in last month , that one that supposedly pees itself ? Yeah , turns out it was just Matt in a kink costume .
Speaker 2You guys are assholes .
Speaker 1I have a latex allergy .
Speaker 4How did you do that ? Well , folks , that's all the time we have for today . Remember stay creepy , stay weird and never look under the internet , unless you want to make it .
Speaker 3And don't forget to subscribe and like and call 911 if you see strange bleeding . Good night everybody . Is I supposed to be a vampire in this ?
Speaker 2I think one of these should be obvious , but the other one is not . So much Is it that I was turning into a vampire throughout the episode .
Speaker 3No , I like how this is kind of like an episode of whose line this is like that oh yeah he's always in front of the green screen , right ?
Speaker 4yeah , this happened if you see any strange bleeding not so there's two things going on here so one is definitely with mike I guess okay yeah , is it .
Speaker 3Is it ? Is it not that I'm turning into a vampire ? No , it's not okay , okay , so it's not . That is the other one that jason is even more no , I think it's just building on that , I think . Is it that I have anxiety issues ?
Speaker 1well , I think , what I think , what is is is mike just like scared of everything no , I don't think it did a very good job with it .
Speaker 2There's one hint in there . Jason says something about dripping .
Speaker 3Blood . Am I scared of blood ?
Speaker 2Sort of .
Speaker 3Razors .
Speaker 2Oh , razorless reflection One more guess and I'll tell you .
Speaker 3Razorless reflection .
Speaker 2Mike's supposed to be secretly bleeding to you . I don't know . Razorless reflection . Mike's supposed to be secretly bleeding to death . I don't know .
Speaker 3That's why he looks so pale , that works . I enjoyed the vampire route . Is that where you thought it was going to ?
Speaker 4I thought it was going vampire route , like you had recently been bitten by a vampire and like you were going through the effects of it .
Speaker 1Yeah , oh , also , I like how it seems like Jason is just getting more drunk progressively through each episode .
Speaker 3I think that's going to continue , probably Speaking of Also , it looks like Finley was okay with that one for the time being . He was just watching in the corner this entire time , so he didn't say anything , but I think we might be okay . I think we're okay . He hasn't moved yet , though , and he keeps like tapping his foot and like doing this to his , his watch on his wrists , like tapping it , so um , I don't like the idea that you just said .
Speaker 3My dog has entertain me monkeys yeah , I think he wants us to belt out another episode , another one . That's what I'm thinking . Jesus , fuck finley . He's the producer man . We have to do what he does . We're his now , yeah , so how about we run it back ? I think he just wants us to knock out like you know how YouTubers knock out like fucking ten episodes a day . So they can just not work .
Speaker 3Oh , like those content farms yeah yeah , yeah , okay , I think that's what he wants us to do . So just knock out a bunch of episodes , line it up . Hey . Hey , there you sickos . Welcome back to another episode of Don't Look Under the Internet . I'm Mike , your host , with my equally messed up buddies Matt , hi Doug .
Speaker 1It is me again .
Speaker 3Jason .
Speaker 2Hello , yep , we're here again . Jason . Hello , yep , we're here again . Folks , another day another existential crisis .
Speaker 1Buck up , matt . At least you're not Mike , who thinks the Exorcist is a documentary .
Speaker 3Hey it could happen . Demons are real man .
Speaker 4And I'm Jason , your friendly neighborhood alcoholic surgeon's assistant . Don't worry folks .
Speaker 3How does this make you feel ?
Speaker 4I haven't mixed up my scalpels . It's not great , but you know it is pretty funny . It could be better , I will say that but you know , this be Jason's neighborhood , piece of shit .
Speaker 3I drink and I do surgery .
Speaker 2I drink and I do surgery , I drink and I stab people .
Speaker 3Sometimes at the same time .
Speaker 4That was very unrelated , anyway , what .
Speaker 3What are we doing ? Oh , you're a doll .
Speaker 4No , don't worry , I have not mixed up any scalpels lately .
Speaker 3Oh good , Speaking of things that are hard to swallow , did you guys hear about that haunted blender that chops up spirits instead of smoothies ?
Speaker 1Ha , Mike , your brain is a blender that chops up logic instead of thoughts .
Speaker 2Speaking of chopped up , did you guys see jason's face ?
Speaker 4it's like someone left a watermelon in the sun for too long yeah , well , at least my face isn't as scary as doug's tinder profile picture hey the ladies love a man who can quote the shining verbatim red rum baby exactly , oh uh .
Speaker 3Speaking of red rum , I once had a nosebleed so bad I thought I was auctioned auditioning for a vampire movie you know what's scarier than mike's nosebleeds ?
Speaker 4the fact that we're all slowly decaying in this existential void matt buddy , you're bringing down the mood faster than mike's blood pressure yeah , lighten up , matt
Creepy Clown Chatter and Horror Banter
Speaker 4.
Speaker 3We're gonna talk about the stuff that makes you question reality , not sink deeper into your pit of despair exactly that's right , and tonight's topic is more terrifying than doug's attempt at stand-up comedy creepy clowns who eat kittens for breakfast . I , I don't like that .
Speaker 1Hey , my comedy is top notch , just like Jason's alcohol tolerance .
Speaker 4Just for my own personal sake . I'm going to go ahead and say this next part is not fucking true . Damn right , you try a cystic and surgery sober . It's like trying to juggle chainsaws blindfolded . Yeah , legally . No , I don't ever , ever , ever do that .
Speaker 2You know what's harder Juggling my depression meds with the overwhelming urge to jump off a bridge , oh my .
Speaker 3God . Anyway , moving on , did you guys hear about that cursed email chain that sends you straight to hell if you don't forward it ?
Speaker 1Oh , mike , you still believe in chain emails . Next , you'll tell us you found Bigfoot in your basement .
Speaker 4Oh hey , speaking of basements , anyone seen my stash of surgical masks ? I think I left them in the fridge again .
Speaker 2You know , Jason's face looks like someone's trying to grow a tumor farm on it .
Speaker 1Matt buddy , you're on fire tonight , Like Mike's pants after he tried to microwave a burrito with the foil on .
Speaker 3That was one time and I still blame the microwave .
Speaker 4Alright , folks . That's all the time we have for today , Remember , stay creepy , stay weird . Did I say that backwards ? I don't know . Stay stupid . And don't forget to I never look at the internet without a bottle of bourbon nearby .
Speaker 3And don't forget to like , subscribe and get that weird growth checked out , jason .
Speaker 4No , get out of here .
Speaker 1I love how AI just wants to fucking have us remember things .
Speaker 4Oh yeah , remember how shitty you people are here .
Speaker 3Remember that one time .
Speaker 4You know those personality traits you fucking love about yourself .
Speaker 3Here you go . Did at some point you try to have us melting in an empty void or something .
Speaker 2Was that ?
Speaker 3what you changed .
Speaker 2Was I still somehow losing blood . Yeah , I think I just remembered that from the previous episode .
Speaker 4It'll build on itself .
Speaker 1Was I just supposed to be mean to Mike for half of it ?
Speaker 2Yeah , that was one thing , there were two things . One of them was Doug hates Mike .
Speaker 3Was the other one that everyone I'm drunk and I do surgery .
Speaker 4Was that one ?
Speaker 2of them . No , it did just keep deciding to really emphasize that .
Speaker 3Really hammered it in , really . The other one was that I was politically depressed .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , I see that , I see it .
Speaker 3Also , just to let you know .
Speaker 4I'm good , just to let you know , I'm good man . I'm good man , Thank you .
Speaker 2I don't know what the stuff about your watermelon face or the tumors was about .
Speaker 3That I don't care about you really just let's call this man an alcoholic and then just ridicule the shit out of him while we're at it . Just speak truth . Hit him while he's down . Well , I think we're doing pretty good . What does Finley say ? Hold on , what's our time ?
Speaker 4Time . Oh , I should probably look at that , huh .
Speaker 3Okay , we're doing great . That's why Finley's here .
Speaker 4Well , finley says we're not doing great . Okay , we got to get more content , we got to do it better and with our mouths way more open , way , way more open .
Speaker 3He went from standing on his hind legs he's standing like a person now . He was standing like a person , but now he's back to all fours and he's kind of snarling a little bit . So I think we might be doing something wrong . Maybe he didn't like us mocking his oh no , he's eyeing that garden gnome .
Speaker 4He likes to fuck garden gnomes .
Speaker 1Have we even checked in on our live studio audience in a while ? What's going on with them ?
Speaker 4Have you peeled the tarp back ?
Speaker 2No , it's under construction . Are they AI now ?
Speaker 4Right , they're AI . Now they are Diluty Bot . We are Legion .
Speaker 3So no , the basement has been under construction . Because of the live audience , I've been building in new bleachers and audience members .
Speaker 1It's an amalgamation , remember .
Speaker 3Yeah , it's like .
Speaker 4Frankenstein's army .
Speaker 3So I've kind of just kept them behind a tarp , chained up , so they don't get in the construction worker's way . Yeah , but have you checked on them ? No , I just kind of throw a rotisserie chicken in there every now and then and just let whatever happens happen ?
Speaker 2Do the bones come back out ?
Speaker 3No , that bones come back out . No , that's the weird thing . It's perfect system . Yeah , it takes it all perfect degradation , so I'm gonna start incorporating some sort of like compost situation here .
Speaker 4See what happens . Compost situation great , yeah , I don't know how yet , but yeah , we're gonna see what happens .
Speaker 3I'm keep my eye on that . But yeah , I've I've thrown quite a few rotisserie chickens from the boston market in there and nothing has come back out . We'll see what happens . Right , but with Finley getting pretty aggressive over there , maybe we should try a different perspective and a different show .
Speaker 4He didn't seem happy with that one .
Speaker 3Yeah , so let's try a different one . Maybe he was upset because the script had us bashing you so much .
Speaker 4You know , maybe this one will be better and different .
Speaker 3Maybe let's find out together .
Speaker 1I will be better and different . Maybe let's find out together . I'm afraid it won't be .
Speaker 4Hit that intro music .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's , don't look under me .
Speaker 3Welcome , welcome , welcome to another thrilling episode of Don't Look Under the Internet . I'm your host , Mike , the man who Googles horror but is too scared to look at the results . Hi'm your host , Mike , the man who Googles horror but is too scared to look at the results . Hi .
Speaker 1And I'm Doug , the guy who thinks Saw is a documentary .
Speaker 4And I'm Jason , a surgeon's assistant . Slash full-time drinker , Cheers boys .
Speaker 3I'm so sorry . Woo Woo , woo . All right , uh , let's dive into today's topic haunted places . You should definitely visit if you hate sleep doug , why don't you kick us off with your favorite haunt ?
Speaker 1well , I have the inside scoop on a haunted taco bell . Apparently , the ghost of a burrito gone wrong haunts the toilet . You don't want to be in there when the beans start rattling , let me tell ya .
Speaker 3Talk about Montezuma's revenge . Am I right ?
Speaker 1As I say , when the beans start rattling .
Speaker 3Don't go rattling Beans .
Speaker 4Beans rattling Classic Classic .
Speaker 3Classic Doug and his beans rattling . All right , let's move on . How about we discuss our scariest movie experiences ?
Speaker 2Matt , I'm sure you have some unique perspectives once I watched the ring from inside a vacuum , the horror was sucked right out of me classic matt , always sucking the life out of everything , just like that roomba he insists on being .
Speaker 1I'm not a Roomba .
Speaker 4Hey , matt , if you're a Roomba , can you at least clean up the mess Mike makes in the studio Like hey god damn , I've been better .
Speaker 3okay , the ghost pepper challenge episode was a bad idea .
Speaker 1Yeah , because it turns out you can't summon Bloody Mary with a side of guac . Mike .
Speaker 3You guys are the worst Speaking of which .
Haunted Taco Bell Mystery
Speaker 3Jason , you got any spooky surgical stories to share ?
Speaker 4Oh wow , there was this one time I accidentally left my phone inside a patient's stomach during surgery .
Speaker 1None of this is true , this is all absolutely false .
Speaker 4Nope , I kept ringing in the middle of the operation . That was a horror show for everybody involved .
Speaker 1Bet that patient saw some ghosts on the way out .
Speaker 3Alright , alright , folks . That's all the time we have for today . You can join us next time on . Don't Look Under the Internet , where we'll discuss the paranormal activity happening in our own bathroom stalls .
Speaker 1And don't forget to follow us on Twitter , where we tweet live updates from haunted Taco Bells . But it's actually X now .
Speaker 4And remember if you ever need surgery , don't look under the influence of anything . Trust me , I'm not a Roomba no of anything .
Speaker 2Trust me .
Speaker 4I'm not a Roomba , so one of the prompts is that Doug thinks Matt is a Roomba , or is it ?
Speaker 3that Matt is secretly a Roomba .
Speaker 2It was supposed to be . I am secretly a Roomba . Yes , it wasn't very subtle . I even included in the prompt . Don't directly address the fact that I am a Roomba .
Speaker 3Roomba . This man's a Roomba .
Speaker 2Matt , just quotation marks , just whirring noises oh , cause it mentioned the vacuum there's one that starts with like a slight static noises or something like that it's slightly static .
Speaker 1And then Matt's line .
Speaker 3I am not a Roomba .
Speaker 1I am not a Roomba .
Speaker 3I think Finley was a bit better with that one and I enjoyed that one a pretty good amount too .
Speaker 4That was a good one . That was very funny , finley looks a lot happier .
Speaker 3He is gnawing on what I'm assuming and hoping is the bone .
Speaker 4It's an ostrich femur .
Speaker 3Okay , I thought it was one of the live audience members , so that's good .
Speaker 4Oh , you know . Do we have any ostriches in the live audience ?
Speaker 3If they are , they're in that flesh . Amogalagoon , amogalagoon . I don't know what amogalagoon is , but that sounds like something . Amogalagoon Lagoon is , but that sounds like something . A Muggle Lagoon . That sounds like a catchphrase that Yogi Bear would shout .
Speaker 4A Muggle Lagoon .
Speaker 3That's what it do . Yogi A Muggle Lagoon . A Muggle Lagoon that sounds like a Dungeons and Dragons A Muggle Lagoon . You have to fight the Muggle Lagoon .
Speaker 4Or something like the big bad evil guy . Like scream before he kills everybody , amagalagoon .
Speaker 3That's the evil wizard spell chant .
Speaker 4The Amagalagoon , the cadaver of the stupid world .
Speaker 1Yeah , mike , this is your doctor . You've got Amagalagoon , amagalagoon . I'm so sorry .
Speaker 3Me too . What did you say the other day ?
Speaker 1I was like , oh fuck , I don't even remember now I was like your penis culture is or something .
Speaker 3Your penis culture came back positive . I'm so sorry , your penis culture came back positive .
Speaker 2We were playing magic . If the vice president has a runny nose , is it the Kamalagu ?
Speaker 1Yes , that makes up for not having a joke for that thing last episode . That I forget what it was , sure .
Speaker 3Sure Well , finley looks a lot more happier , so it looks like we could probably get him to leave if we try a new one . So let's try one more .
Speaker 4All right , it's never a good sign when he hangs out . Yeah , so let's try one more . It's never a good sign when he hangs out .
Speaker 3Yeah , so let's try it . Maybe he's getting happier . Now let's start this up . The intro music .
Speaker 1Oh , yeah , fucking Fucking .
Speaker 4Fucking .
Speaker 2World's worst chainsaw Don't look under the internet .
Speaker 3Welcome back creeps . Welcome back creeps and creepettes . To another spine-tingling episode of Don't Look Under the Internet . I'm your host , mike , and here with the usual bunch of losers losers .
Speaker 1I prefer paranormal aficionados with a penchant for dark humor . Thank you very much whatever .
Speaker 2Can we get this over with ? I've got some expired antidepressants calling my name hang on , maddie .
Speaker 4Let's unravel tonight's mystery first . I've got a gut feeling about this one , or maybe it's just last night's tequila . God , it's literally just alcohol , just alcohol tonight .
Speaker 2I didn't realize how bad that was when I was making these I would have changed the prompt if I had realized that that was literally the only thing your character talks about jace's personality trait is alcohol .
Speaker 4I might as well get drunk .
Speaker 2Now I can look at the metal thing and the surgeon's assistant thing as well , and it just gave up on those entirely oh yeah and just was like he's a drunk man with a knife .
Speaker 1Drunk man with a knife yeah , the the animal is just like matt's a depressed piece of shit . Jason's an alcoholic . Doug is just an idiot . The the hand was just like matt's a depressed piece of shit . Jason's an alcoholic the .
Speaker 2The last line of every single prompt , though , was the hosts are very stupid , so that's probably why it did some of the things that's right .
Speaker 4You gotta be truthful somewhere all right .
Speaker 3Tonight we're diving into the spooky underbelly of fast food . Horror ever heard of cursed tacos at taco bell all right , ai um .
Speaker 1Oh yeah , dude , I love taco bell , especially their ghost pepper sauce .
Speaker 4It's like my colons haunted for a week uh , speaking of haunt , do you remember that time we thought Mike's mom was possessed ? Turns out , it was just her yoga instructor .
Speaker 3Just shut up . My mom's a saint , Unlike you who assists surgeons but can't even find his own liver half the time .
Speaker 1Oh , shots fired . Speaking of shots where's the holy grail of these haunted tacos , Mikey boy ?
Speaker 3Don't ever call me Mikey Boy .
Speaker 4You value your life .
Speaker 2Yeah , mikey Boy , we're waiting with bated breath , bated with the smell of your failures .
Speaker 3Fine , fine , fine Legend has it late at night . The drive-thru at Taco Bell serves tacos that whisper secrets of the underworld . People say they hear faint cries for help from the beef .
Speaker 1And if you listen closely , you can hear the lettuce screaming in agony .
Speaker 4Or maybe it's just the lettuce telling you to eat more greens .
Speaker 2Can we wrap this up ? I've got a new story , wow .
Speaker 3Can we wrap this up ? I've got a noose waiting in the wings anyway , listeners , here's the kicker . One of us has actually eaten these haunted tacos to survive . To tell the tale , but who ?
Speaker 1oh , the mystery deepens . It's's like Scooby-Doo meets the Hangover , but with less brain cells .
Speaker 4Wait , wait , guys , I think I remember something . It was . It was dark , it was a dark and stormy night and I was blackout drunk .
Speaker 3Great story jason really great well , folks , you heard it here first . Tune in next time to find out who ate the haunted tacos and regret it . Until then , stay spooky and don't look under the internet seriously , mike , it was you , wasn't it ? Shut up , shut up , doug , don't watch your spicy .
Speaker 2I can't believe I agreed to this .
Speaker 4Yeah , we're just gonna . This is a real episode , right .
Speaker 3Hey , matt , are you okay ? Buddy , I'm not . You know , you're my friend , we're gonna have to put .
Speaker 1We might need to stick a trigger warning into the fucking beginning of this episode . I think we might .
Speaker 4You're my friend .
Speaker 3Matt , don't forget that Holy shit . So I'm going to assume what you've added is depression .
Speaker 2That was from a couple ago it just really ramped it up this one's just like Taco Bell or something was added a couple ago .
Speaker 1It just really ramped it up , it sure as shit did Taco Bell or something was added to the prompt .
Speaker 3Well , that was in there before too .
Speaker 2So this one was kind of stupid . I don't know why it decided to go with the Taco Bell thing . What I added to this was there's a mystery that needs to be solved , and I guess the mystery is the haunted tacos .
Speaker 1Who done .
Speaker 4Ate the taco . Who ate taco ? I think that's an issue with the prompting . Especially now that it can trawl our like all of our content , and especially if you tell it to look for our content , I feel like it almost overwrites any prompt that you fucking give it , just like nope , I know what's best I know haunted tacos , jason's drunk and matt jason's drunk and does surgery and tacos jason's drunk , matt's depressed doug is a dick and mike's stupid on the floor somewhere .
Speaker 4What a show really boiled our personalities down to a fucking single digit thank you , ai .
Speaker 3There's no wonder you're taking over the world . I can see clearly now there's no wonder .
Speaker 2So the next one isn't really . Um , I didn't really change anything about it , yeah , so , if you want to , since we're already at like 50 minutes , you want to switch to the other one ? Sure , so we have time for that sure let's do that .
Speaker 1Fuck it . Are we going to the first one , the ?
Speaker 3The tails .
Speaker 1Tails from .
Speaker 2Tails from Okay Tail .
Speaker 3And shadow .
Speaker 4Oh , my God .
Speaker 3There's so much here .
Speaker 4No , I mentioned something or I saw something , and it gives me hope for my role at all .
Speaker 1Oh no , he's not done , let's see how this goes .
Speaker 3Oh man , okay , let's fucking go .
Speaker 4Okay , let's fucking go , let's fucking go nevermind we'll talk about it at the end .
Speaker 3So Finley left . We're good to do whatever we want . Let's do an actual topic something we actually care about . Let's cover something we're all passionate about , so let's run back and use the good intro .
Speaker 4We're done with Deloody , though , right .
Speaker 3No , this is new Deloody .
Speaker 4I don't think it is . I think it might be called something else . This is Deloody 3.0 . Do you want to hear what the intro is ?
Speaker 3Smalooty . Use the good intro . I'm talking the one that we never use for anything else Except in golden shit , do it ?
Speaker 2I think we need to do these in alien voices .
Speaker 1This is a bagpipe intro right , yeah , sure , these in alien voices .
Speaker 4This is a bagpipe intro right .
Speaker 3Welcome everyone to another episode of Tales from Smegmar Night . I'm your host , mike the city silly boy , and here with my mates , matt the Buzzkill , doug the Horror Freak .
Speaker 1Sorry .
Speaker 3And Jason the Struggling , tito Taylor , tito Taylor , tito Taylor , I don't know what that is Is that a real fucking word , great . Well , that's what I am . What's a Tito Taylor ?
Speaker 2Great , another day of discussing nonsensical human behavior . I can't wait .
Speaker 1Yes , and try to keep Mike from screwing everything up again . Good luck with that .
Speaker 4Guys , can we just get through this without anyone mentioning booze please ?
Speaker 3Alrighty , then today's topic Earth's obsession with pets . Sorry , I had to clear my throat there . Can you believe they keep these tiny furry creatures in their homes ?
Speaker 2It's called companionship , mike . Humans have a need for affection and they can't get it from each other .
Speaker 1Affection Sounds gross . I prefer my horror movies where people get torn to shreds by mutant slime beasts .
Speaker 4Mutant slime beasts . That reminds me of that one time .
Speaker 3Hey Jason , Remember that one time you tried to adopt a pet turtle , but it turned out to be a radioactive mutant . That wasn't my fault .
Speaker 4That wasn't my fault . How was I supposed to know it was growing three heads and start singing opera ?
Speaker 2That's the problem with you , jason , always attracting weird shit .
Speaker 1Yeah , like that time Mike tried to summon an ancient demon to fix his PlayStation .
Speaker 3Hey , now it worked , didn't it , though now my PS5 keeps chanting in Latin , anyone know ? And good and good exorcist .
Speaker 2I'm surrounded by morons .
Speaker 4Guys , can we focus ? We're supposed to be discussing Earth's pets . They have entire stores dedicated to selling food for these creatures .
Speaker 1And don't forget the stupid costumes they make them wear . I saw a pug in a tutu once . It scarred me for life .
Speaker 3Oh Doug , you've got a soft spot under all that horror . Bravado , shut it , mike .
Speaker 1Or I'll make you watch the humans in a peat again .
Speaker 4Oh , okay , let's steer this ship back . On course , pets , earth Go .
Speaker 3Oh , oh , oh . I heard humans even have therapy . Animals like emotional support , cows and stuff .
Speaker 2It's horses , mike , horses are the common therapy animals . They help humans cope with stress and anxiety .
Speaker 1Yeah , like when they're trying not to scream at their idiot colleagues .
Speaker 4All right , we're out of time for today . All right , we're out of time for today . Join us next time on Tales from Shmegmar 9 , where , hopefully , we won't descend into chaos . Mike , mike , stop licking the microphone .
Speaker 3Sorry , it tastes like nacho cheese .
Speaker 4I need a drink Really big Shmegmar .
Speaker 1You and me both buddy .
Speaker 4Stay strong , Jason .
Alien Comedy on Earth
Speaker 4Just one more episode without mentioning alcohol .
Speaker 3Can I ?
Speaker 4mention cheese . It had to fucking get that one last punch on it . It had to .
Speaker 2So I guess at this point I had realized what the AI was doing to you , and so I explicitly told it .
Speaker 3To make him a recovering alcoholic .
Speaker 2Yeah , to make him try to avoid drinking .
Speaker 4And it's still like just one more episode , just one more , one more episode Sweating . So even though you told it , no more alcohol stuff , the AI thinks that I am now making a lifestyle change .
Speaker 2It's not just like I think so .
Speaker 3I also enjoyed that . It started off with us being aliens and talking about alien stuff , but then it just divulged into hey , remember that one time a demon came out of your PlayStation . It's always that . Remember that one time a demon came out of your PlayStation .
Speaker 2It's always that . I even opened a new browser and tried to get it to stop doing that same shit , and it was just like . This is what this podcast is .
Speaker 3This is what it is now . You goofed it , you goofed it , you goofied it . Quirky and otherworldly .
Speaker 4Do we think Finley was happy with that it ?
Speaker 2was weird .
Speaker 3I don't think it matters what Finley thinks . Yeah , he's gone , that's for us .
Speaker 4That's fair . Yeah , we can stop talking about it .
Speaker 3Do you want to do another like us episode ?
Speaker 1I'm enjoying . I like Smegmar 9 . I'd love to see what more shit they need to tell us . Yeah .
Speaker 3Oh , I'm picking up a .
Speaker 2More riveting analysis on Another transmission .
Speaker 3Another transmission for my point . I think it's Spagmar . This is what I need you to . I need you to get those like .
Speaker 4The theremin . I just wish we had a theremin that I could use just here .
Speaker 3And like the radio station like oh yeah 100% .
Speaker 1Plug the PO box . Someone send us a theremin Hell yeah , anyway , here we go , redacted .
Speaker 3Welcome to another episode of Tales from Smegmar 9 . I am your host , mike the silly , silly boy .
Speaker 2And I'm Matt , your resident skeptic and logician , trying to make sense of the cosmic catastrophe .
Speaker 1Doug here , horror aficionado and the only one who understands the true terror of Earth's reality shows .
Speaker 4And .
Speaker 1I am .
Speaker 3Jason .
Speaker 4Desperately clinging to sobriety while we delve into the madness of human behavior .
Speaker 2It both makes you drunk Cheers , Mike .
Speaker 3It says both I'm drunk but also clinging to sobriety . I'm clinging Like now you're just lying to yourself .
Speaker 4If I'm lying to myself , I'll lie to everybody else , say your thingy , say your thingy .
Speaker 3Say your thingy , say your thingy . You're next . So , guys , I saw something mind-blowing on Earth last night . People were throwing tiny white pebbles at each other . I think they call it rice .
Speaker 1Rice Sounds more like a nutritional hazard . You sure it wasn't an alien mating ritual ?
Speaker 2No , no , it's a cultural practice , a symbol of fertility and prosperity . Humans throw it at weddings .
Speaker 4What , wait , wait . So they waste food at weddings . That's insane . I once went to a wedding on Earth and I ended up in a landfill with half the cake .
Speaker 3Whoa , Sounds like a wild night , Jason . Speaking of wild Doug , you watch any good horror movies lately .
Speaker 1Yeah , I saw this one where the humans deliberately put themselves in dark , confined spaces to be scared .
Speaker 4It's called Closet .
Speaker 2Ah , yes , the existential horror of a closet Humans and their innate fear of storage solutions .
Speaker 4You know what's scarier . You know what's scarier than closets Soaring up on Earth . I'm surrounded by drinks guys . It's torture . They put them everywhere . You could just go to a drink library . It's got a big old counter , a drink library . Yeah , have you been to one of those ? You gotta show them a little white rectangle to get in there , but you just do it .
Speaker 3You're my friend , Jason . I just want you to know that I can't imagine a drink library . But hey , did you know ? Humans use these things called turn signals when driving . Apparently , it's to communicate with other vehicles .
Speaker 1Oh , so they've mastered communication with machines , but still can't figure out how to avoid intergalactic invasions .
Speaker 2Actually , turn signals are for a safety measure . They indicate direction to prevent accidents .
Speaker 3Is this Master Roshi Safety measures ? They indicate direction of pre to prevent accidents .
Speaker 4So you're not sun safe . Being the only alien , I had a human bar who's not drinking . It's like being a vegan and a barbecue . It sounds like you've been drinking a kind of cook you if you , if you're vegan and you go to a barbecue , they eat you .
Speaker 3That's how it works . You're the barbecue . Yes , you should try blending in more , jason .
Speaker 2No , Jason's just Roger , at this point , 100% .
Speaker 3Where's my pecan sandies ? Where's my pecan sandies ? Where's my pecan sandies , like when I tried to impress humans by juggling cats ?
Speaker 1That's animal cruelty , Mike Wait .
Speaker 4Wait , you juggle cats .
Speaker 3Yeah , but apparently they prefer things like music and dance . Humans are so picky , not ?
Speaker 2so much for a throne 20 feet in the air . It's called respecting cultural boundaries . Mike , Humans have rules about those things .
Speaker 1Speaking of rules , I once saw this human crying because their pizza didn't arrive in 30 minutes . It's like they've never experienced true horror .
Speaker 4Well , at least they have pizza . That's something we can agree on .
Speaker 3Oh , absolutely . And with that , folks , we've reached the end of another mind-boggling episode of Tales from Smegmar 9 . Tune in next time as we explore more of Earth's bizarre and often illogical customs . Maybe I'll have a drink .
Speaker 1What are you ?
Speaker 4eating for by the way here's hoping Seriously , Mike , stop juggling cats .
Speaker 3I'm down . They love it , I think .
Speaker 4Well , that was just fucking incredible , was the prompt make Jason worse .
Speaker 3That was pretty bad ?
Speaker 2No , not at all .
Speaker 3He went from a recovering alcoholic to . He fell off the wagon .
Speaker 4To a high-functioning alcoholic . It's a roller coaster Fell off the wagon To a high-functioning alcoholic .
Speaker 3It's a rollercoaster . Fell off the wagon an hour into sobriety .
Speaker 2I'm sorry . I thought it was funny , so I just kept going .
Speaker 4I think it's fucking hilarious .
Speaker 3I do enjoy it . I've never heard of a alcohol library .
Speaker 2An alcohol library , a drink library , that's a good one I enjoy that .
Speaker 3What did you add for that ?
Speaker 4Well , we are aliens .
Speaker 3Allegedly because , we never really stick on the alien thing for too long . So I was like hello humans , what about pizza ? Am I right ? Oh yeah , the amount of human things that we brought up did you add in where you are just very knowledgeable on earth things ?
Speaker 2no , um , I'm actually not sure what I added for this one . I think I just was generating smegmar9 related things at this point .
Speaker 1It's just smegmar 9 in general honestly I would .
Speaker 4I would not mind doing like a a real produced episode of smegmar 9 , just to just to see what happens , because I feel like us pretending to be aliens , commenting on humans , would be fucking hilarious , I mean the voices are easy enough to do , oh yeah there's a podcast of dudes that dress up as aliens .
Speaker 3They do a podcast and they're like I just found out . It's like a real thing .
Speaker 1I just found out about this thing called Space Jam .
Speaker 3Do humans know about space travel ? No , they play basketball . It's pretty great .
Speaker 2So you're saying it's already been done .
Speaker 3Pretty much yeah .
Speaker 1Today's episode we talk about Earth's history . Today's episode is September 11 , 2001 .
Speaker 2Funny . You should say that oh , the next one . Should we keep going ?
Speaker 1Sick , let's keep it going , dude , let's do some more shmegma .
Speaker 4You guys want to shovel some more shmegma into your holes ? Fine , let's do another one , just as much shmegma as you can possibly fit in your ears . Run the intro .
Speaker 1Spicy rib .
Speaker 3Nope , that's the wrong one . I'm so sorry .
Speaker 4How many spoons did you ?
Speaker 3stick in your ass . That's the right one , spicy Welcome . Welcome everyone to another episode of Tales from Smegmar 9 . I'm your host , mike , the used spaceship salesman , here with my cosmic compadres , matt Doug .
Speaker 4And Jason hey , what's up ? Earthlings , I'm gonna rock out with your cocks out . Antenna's out , sorry hello .
Speaker 3Today , folks , we're delving into the mysterious world of human dating rituals .
Speaker 4Apparently they call it tinder tinder like they set fires for mating no , you imbecile .
Speaker 1It's an app where humans swipe left or right based on appearances .
Speaker 2Why would they reduce mate selection to such a superficial process ?
Speaker 3Exactly , Matt . Why not buy a certified pre-owned spaceship from me instead ? Got it , Kay .
Speaker 1Yeah , because nothing says love like a pre-owned hunk of space junk .
Speaker 4Hey dog , do you remember the time you scared that human with your testicles , tentacles , testicles tentacles . One of the two . It was either testicles or tentacles . Give something to your testicles to a person I don't remember .
Speaker 1Ah yes , classic Good times , jason . I do remember that , speaking of which , anyone catch the latest horror flick from Earth Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Banger movie , by the way , a fucking great movie .
Speaker 2That's not horror , that's a B-movie comedy .
Speaker 1Well , excuse me for trying to relate to their primitive tastes .
Speaker 3All right , let's get back on track . Humans also celebrate something called birthdays .
Speaker 4Oh , yeah , I also heard about this . It's where they mark another orbit around their star . Right , your voice changed .
Speaker 2I can't get the same fucking pitch down , he's become Marvin the Martian . Yeah , I can't get the same pitch down .
Speaker 3I'm trying a different one . I'm into it . I'm into it , it works .
Speaker 1Yeah , just do a bunch of different ones . Close enough , but they seem to need lots of alcohol to cope with it .
Speaker 4You've got to be fucking kidding me . Just look at us after a long shift in the surgical bay .
Speaker 3Great , and they have these things called selfies . Apparently , they take pictures of themselves all of the time .
Speaker 2Narcissism at its finest .
Speaker 1Remember that time we tried to blend in by taking a selfie with a human .
Speaker 4Yeah , poor guy's still traumatized from seeing three-eyed aliens trying to fit in a selfie frame .
Speaker 3Well , listeners , that's all the time we have for today . Join us next time on Tales from Smegmore 9 , where we explore more baffling human customs Until then keep your thrusters fueled and your laser guns loaded .
Speaker 1And remember , and remember humans . If you ever need a good scare or a surgical procedure , call us first .
Speaker 2Please don't call us ever .
Speaker 3Thanks for tuning in and remember to subscribe to our podcast on the Nebula Network . Ah , ah , ah , ah , ah ah ah , ah , ah , ah ah .
Speaker 4Disclaimer .
Speaker 3This script contains fictional characters and human intent for interior purposes . Please enjoy your responsibility in this dimension right now . End of podcast .
Cosmic Comedy and Human Holidays
Speaker 4Oh , that was interesting . I'm having too much of a good time with this , I think .
Speaker 3We're only six pages in oh dude , we're like halfway through .
Speaker 2I'm looking at how many are left .
Speaker 4Actually , okay . Yeah , matt , could you pick out like two or three that are just your personal favorites , if you know what they are .
Speaker 2Yeah , there's one . I think it's the last one . Let's do it .
Speaker 3You guys want to do what ? One more ? Yeah , let's do one more . See how we're feeling . Okay , it's the last one . You said .
Speaker 2Yeah , hold on .
Speaker 4You passed it . You're doing great . Nope , you passed it again .
Speaker 2Yeah , okay , it's the last one . It starts on page . Go up , up , up , up 11 .
Speaker 1Oh , there it is . I highlighted it .
Speaker 4There .
Speaker 1Bitchin' .
Speaker 4Stop .
Speaker 3Freeze . All right , we got one more for you all tonight , so we're gonna run back and we're gonna use the never before heard intro shit , do I have that on here ? If not , we do in post .
Speaker 4I mean , I can try .
Speaker 1Well , I can try it , fart , fart reverb this is the the KFC murder , chicks times , dilutey times , smeg bar nine intro Sure Hell yeah . Yeah .
Speaker 2You remember that time we tried to read that at the same time over Discord , oh that was terrible .
Speaker 4It did not work at all .
Speaker 3Sounds about right .
Speaker 2Anyway .
Speaker 3Greetings , fellow inhabitants of the Milky Way . You're listening to another riveting episode of Tales from Smegmar9 . I'm your host , mike the Magnificent , with my co-hosts Matt Hi , doug , hello , and Jason , I uh . Okay , say hi guys . You just did that .
Speaker 2Hi . Are these mics on ? Is this thing on ?
Speaker 3I don't know squid word .
Speaker 2You tell me spongebob what are you two idiots doing ?
Speaker 1do humans always talk into small metal tubes ? Is this a communication device or a snack ?
Speaker 4I think it's both . But seriously , what's up with the metal tubes ? What's up with the metal ?
Speaker 3tubes . It's better . All right , let's dive straight into the topics . Today's topic Human holidays . Apparently , humans have this thing called april fool's day .
Speaker 4It's like a galactic day of pranking , oh pranking like is it when you pretend to eat your co-pilot's tentacles as a joke ?
Speaker 1are you straight from simpsons , are you ?
Speaker 3straight from the Simpsons . Oh no , I don't know why I made him Australian there . It works . Oh no , exactly , jason , but get this . Humans also celebrate birthdays . It's like every year . They mark the anniversary of their emergence from the birthing caves . Birthing caves Do they hatch from eggs like we do ?
Speaker 1No , no . They emerge from these squishy pod things after a long incubation period .
Speaker 3And they give each other gifts . Imagine that , Doug . What if we started giving each other chunks of asteroid for our hatch days ? Oh , can I have a ?
Speaker 4big one . Hey , hey , remember the conspiracy theory Mike was babbling about earlier . Mike , tell our listeners about your theory involving Shmagmar 7 and 9-11 .
Speaker 3Oh right , listen up folks . So Shmagmar 7 has always been jealous of Shmagmar 9's lush atmosphere and abundant resources right . I've been reading these ancient scrolls that say the Smegmarians on Smegmar7 secretly orchestrated the entire 9-11 incident to distract us from their plans to steal our methanol .
Speaker 2Mike , those ancient scrolls were written by a disgruntled janitor . He thought his mop was talking to him .
Speaker 3Fake news Matt the truth is out there lurking in the nebulous realms of conspiracy .
Speaker 1But Mike isn't Smegmar 7 like light years away from Earth . How could they possibly- . Shhh .
Speaker 3Doug , shut the fuck up , don't interrupt my flow . Anyway , back to human holidays . Did you know they have a day dedicated to consuming excessive quantities of fermented fruit juice and staring at explosions in the sky ?
Speaker 4Whoa , that sounds like a party . Why don't we celebrate that here on Shmagmar 9 ?
Speaker 2Because we don't have fruit juice or sky explosions .
Speaker 1But we do have volcanic eruptions close enough .
Speaker 3Guys , what if human holidays are just an elaborate scheme to distract them from the fact that they're actually living on a giant terrarium and we're the ones running the show ?
Speaker 4So are we their pets , or are they ?
Speaker 2our pets . Wait , are we talking about humans or us ?
Speaker 3Who knows , Matt ? That's the beauty of it all . We're just here to entertain and confuse .
Speaker 4Speaking of confusion . Did you hear about the humans who ?
Speaker 3tried to communicate with dolphins by sticking sea shanties . Yeah , they should stick to talking into metal tubes .
Speaker 1It's way less confusing .
Speaker 3Well , folks , that's all the time we have for today . Join us next time on Tales from Smegmar 9 , as we explore the mysteries of human fashion . Why do they wear clothes when we can all see their exoskeletons ?
Speaker 2Maybe they're hiding snacks in there .
Speaker 4Wait , they're edible .
Speaker 1Tune in next time to find out . Until then , keep your antenna tuned and your spaceship engines revving .
Speaker 3Cosmic sense melody .
Speaker 4Oh . I think , that might have been the first one that had no reference to slurring from drunk , from just overindulgence of alcohol or surgery .
Speaker 1I thought we were getting there . When they said the fermented fruit juice , I was like , oh shit , there it is .
Speaker 4I'm about to come out .
Speaker 2There is one we skipped over , where I changed you to being a junkie instead and you inject space asteroids .
Speaker 3Look at that 9-11 was able to pop up somehow . I love that for us .
Speaker 4I'm happy that we can give you a creative outlet for your real feelings .
Speaker 3It brings joy to my heart .
Speaker 4Say it's therapy .
Speaker 1It's cathartic as shit .
Speaker 4Therapy Is Finley satisfied , I would say so , I haven't heard from him .
Speaker 3I don't hear him . We've given Finley a lot of options to work with tonight .
Speaker 2A lot to think about . A lot to think about .
Speaker 3I would not be surprised if he pulls his producer money out and we go bankrupt .
Speaker 2Our venture capital is gone .
Speaker 3Yeah , tune in next week when Deluti files for Chapter 11 .
Speaker 4We'll walk you through that process .
Speaker 3Can we make a tax issue , a tax write-off ?
Speaker 2This is a personal finance podcast now .
Speaker 4It's just going to be an offspin of how it's made and it just says bankruptcy .
Speaker 3And don't forget everyone . Patreoncom slash dilutypod . We need your money now more than ever .
Speaker 4Please cash only .
Speaker 3We got to keep it liquid people . That was very fun , that was so much fun .
Speaker 1That was pretty silly .
Speaker 3I hope it was fun for the listener and we didn't have people just tune on halfway through going .
Speaker 4Oh , there's going to be tons of those , but guess what Don't fucking care .
Speaker 3Good , you know what . I want you to give a thumbs down on this then Thumbs down One star we can't be affording . Don't do that actually . Another ten point . We've been at 4.7 forever now oh for the 5 star . Please give us 5 stars speaking of 5 stars . You can find us on things like deludycom . That's always a fun place to go .
Speaker 4You can find us on our socials smegbar9.com beefpinocchiocom .
Speaker 3Was that what it wasPinocchiocom ? Was that what it was BeefPinocchiocom what he bought ? That ?
Speaker 1months ago . Why ? I don't know if I did it right . Is there a hyphen ?
Speaker 4I don't know , if it actually links to Deletecom , but we do own the domain name BeefPinocchiocom .
Speaker 3It was from an episode we did a while ago . No , you never linked it .
Speaker 1I didn't . I really am upset that . I just typed that into my browser .
Speaker 3But , Doug , you are muted , my boy I've started an existential crisis here . I cannot hear what you're saying , pal .
Speaker 2No , Beef Pinocchio doesn't go anywhere .
Speaker 4Okay , then I didn't do it right .
Speaker 3And you're not muted on my end , doug .
Speaker 4So that's a you problem , sonny . Shut the fuck up , mark . If you want to do anything .
Speaker 1I think I clicked Social medias .
Speaker 3don't look under the internet or DeloodyPod anywhere . Check us out on All Things Fun . You can go to our YouTube , or don't look under the internet . There as well , Doug's going to keep trying and keep failing to talk . You can also listen in on Spotify anywhere that you find your podcasts .
Speaker 1And if you do , just give us five stars , that'd be super swell , we'd appreciate it .
Speaker 3You can go to our . Patreon patreoncom slash dilutypod , or you become a member on our website . Again , that's dilutycom , and if you want links to everything if you want to find us everywhere you could hear Doug chime in for a second and then disappear again and come .
Speaker 3There you go and then come and then disappear again , come and come . I wonder how long it's been off . Um , you made it doug right for the end the end . I'm so proud of you , uh . But if you want not too long , you can find a very good question links to everything . If you just go to our link , treecom , slash , deludipod , you'll find everything there that's needed . I want you all to just go to chat GPT and type in what would happen if I kissed a stranger's dad and just see what the result is and post it in the comments on the YouTube channel , please and thank you ,
Spooky Paranoid Antics and Broadcast Aliens
Speaker 3jason . You got anything for the people , the beautiful people , no , okay .
Speaker 3Stay paranoid , stay spooky , stay stupid .
Speaker 4Stay spooky , stay stupid , stupid and apparently paranoid uh , you got anything for people ?
Speaker 3yeah , I don't know I ? I have a noose waiting in the wings and some expired antidepressants calling make sure you reach out to your friends .
Speaker 4Yeah , make sure your friends are doing okay . Matt , are you doing ? Okay ? How you doing over there bud , I'm great .
Speaker 3Well , he's got a nuisance of expired antidepressants . Slap your beans Doug , what do you ?
Speaker 1got for the people . Chlamydia , Rattle your beans please .
Speaker 3Rattle your beans , goodbye .
Speaker 1I said we're done .
Speaker 4The bean rattler is here , oh no .
Speaker 3Bye , everybody , I love you .
Speaker 4Bye . Broadcast aliens Making a broadcast . Aliens From Sledmar 9 . Tales from Sledmar 9 . Tales from Sledmar 9 . Tales to tickle your mind . Tales from Sledmar 9 .
