Don't Look Under the Internet
Don't Look Under the Internet
DLUTI 159 - Really Tall Smegmar 9 the Musical
What if you could summon a dead meme lord with a slice of pineapple pizza? We kick things off with some playful housekeeping, giving shout-outs to some of our listeners." Buckle up as we crack open our favorite beverage, Liquid Death, and plunge headfirst into a wild debate about the gritty charm of analog horror. From haunted TikTok dances to cursed Minecraft servers, our laughs are non-stop. You'll also hear Douglas recount his hair-raising fear of cursed apps and a VR demon-summoning mishap. If you remember cursed email chains, get ready to relive those spine-chilling days with a humorous twist.
Persons of InterestFrom murderers to money launderers, thieves to thugs – police officers from the...
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Starting your own podcast? Use this link to receive a $20 Amazon gift card when you sign up for a paid account with Buzzsprout!
https://www.buzzsprout.com/?referrer_id=1671664
Linktree
Buy us a beer!
Join us in Discord!
DLUTI.com
Unplanned Podnancy
Undefined Graphics (Photography & Graphic Design)
Ghoulish Mortals
Inquiries: dlutipod@gmail.com
Don't Look Under The Internet
PO BOX 6437
Aurora IL 60598
Don't look under the internet sync up really video all right, all right, I'm recording sync video sync, sync, sync, fart sync.
Speaker 3:All right, it toilet yo yo yo, what's up? Freaks and geeks, welcome to another episode of Internet Horrors and Other Shit where we dig deep into the darkest dankest corners of the interwebs. I'm your host, mike, and joining me as always are my homies Matt.
Speaker 4:He's over there.
Speaker 3:He's over there Somewhere, I don't know. There's Jason. Yeah, I think he's over there. Hi and the ever verbose, douglas Verbose. It is on Everbose. Yeah, he's got that verbose.
Speaker 1:Do me a flavor, mike, I need you to, just off the shoot, do some housekeeping for me. Yeah, I could do that.
Speaker 2:I was going to say are we just skipping housekeeping?
Speaker 1:No, I can't Deloady.
Speaker 4:Housekeeping.
Speaker 1:Mike's been off work too much. I think, he's forgotten how to people.
Speaker 3:I don't do everything when you don't use your muscles, you lose the ability to use them, two people that I want to give a shout out to. We're going to play the game Name.
Speaker 4:Name. Will we ridic two. We're going to play the game.
Speaker 3:Name Name Question mark Name Name. Will we ridicule you or not? So first off we have Pecorina. I like Pecorina.
Speaker 4:The child in me loves that.
Speaker 3:Pecorina, I'm okay with it. It's not your like Matt's bar, it's not your name.
Speaker 1:Six out of nine Pecor.
Speaker 3:And then we also have oh no, I shit my pants. So we have that going for us, which is nice. It's pretty good.
Speaker 4:We have some good names. Yeah, I like those, but oh, no, I shit my pants.
Speaker 3:Oh, no, I shit my pants. Yeah, that's really that's the housekeeping. Not a whole, whole heck of a lot going on, but you know not with, not in housekeeping world no, no, we have some good stuff going on in the episode we have a good episode. World going on, yeah you're right.
Speaker 2:A good episode world a world of episodes a world not to be confused with the world of t-shirts yeah
Speaker 3:yeah, like my t-shirt anyway before we get started um, uh, let's, let's just crack open a cold one, boys, hey, um, I got, I got my liquid death sparkling water trademark pending. Uh, because hydration, am I right?
Speaker 1:liquid death, bro, more like liquid birth, because I'm reborn every time I sip this shit can we not start with the beverage propaganda?
Speaker 2:Anyway, let's talk analog horror. I hate that shit. It's like watching a VHS tape of paint drying.
Speaker 4:Bro, I love me some analog horror. It's like metal music of scary movies Raw gritty and fucks with your head.
Speaker 3:I thought you said fucks with your hands, fucks your hands. Speaking of movies, though, y'all catch that new flick about the haunted TikTok dance, classic internet horror, am I right? It's called TikTok dance? It's called TikTok, tiktok your life's on the clock.
Speaker 1:Dude. The scariest part was definitely how they danced Like scarier than my browser history after a night of tequila shots.
Speaker 3:Doug, you are off the rocker right now, dude.
Speaker 2:Tequila shots. That explains why you thought Analog Horror Movie was deep. The Analog Horror Movie.
Speaker 4:Do you remember that meme about the cursed Minecraft server? No, Well it turns out it was just some kid who didn't know how to install mods.
Speaker 3:Do we have a patoomch on here somewhere?
Speaker 4:Nope, nope, all right.
Speaker 3:All right, all right, no, let's keep this going. Let's keep this shit rolling. So have you guys also heard about the Legend of the Haunted meme? Don't do that to me again.
Speaker 1:Not this shit again, not again, oh this shit again, not again.
Speaker 4:Oh my god.
Speaker 3:Supposedly, if you watch it at midnight with a slice of pineapple pizza, you summon the spirit of a dead meme lord.
Speaker 4:I like how it knew I liked pineapple pizza.
Speaker 3:You put that in there.
Speaker 1:Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying, instead of saying Bloody Mary three times, we just need pizza and memes. Correct, count me in.
Speaker 2:You guys are seriously deranged. Pizza and memes won't summon anything except heartburn and regret.
Speaker 4:Speaking of regrets, you remember that time we binge-watched that series about cursed apps. Doug couldn't sleep for like a week, thinking his phone was possessed.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, hey those apps were legit creepy, all right. I had to switch to a flip phone for like a week, thinking his phone was possessed. Oh yeah, that was good, hey. Hey, those apps were legit creepy, all right, I had to switch to a flip phone for like a week.
Speaker 3:Dude, you're like a walking cautionary tale, uh. But for realsies on this one. The internet is just a treasure trove of the horror stories. Do you guys remember that one, uh, about the online game that glitched and spawned a glitchy demon that looked like a pixelated Cathala Cathala?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then we spent all night arguing if it was a real glitch or just bad game design.
Speaker 4:A little bit of both. Oh, it was definitely bad game design. But speaking of glitches, Doug once tried to summon a demon with a VR headset. He ended up punching the wall and crying like a baby.
Speaker 1:Hey, vr is immersive, immersive. All right, I thought I saw slenderman and I panicked I would too.
Speaker 3:That's a classic move, doug uh. Anyway, what about those cursed emails that supposedly curse your inbox if you don't forward them to 10 people?
Speaker 2:we've come about seriously, seriously. People still fall for those. It's 2024 not 2004 yeah, but again.
Speaker 4:Doug ford went to us just last week.
Speaker 1:Now he's convinced he's cursed with bad wi-fi hey, my wi-fi sucks because of my neighbor, not because of some stupid email curse that's the classic internet bud, uh, but hey, what about those creepy pasta stories like who actually sleeps?
Speaker 4:this is rapidly cycling between topics this is literally just a game of like yeah, but what about this? Do you remember that this is how our conversation works?
Speaker 3:right guys? Yeah, but what about this? Do you remember that this?
Speaker 1:is how our conversation works, right, guys. Mike, what was? Do you want to cohesively? Say your last thing to me again Cohesively?
Speaker 3:Cohesively he actually sleeps at night, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, probably the same people who use Internet Explorer like you, mike. You piece of fucking shit. These guys are living their own horror story. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Along with the ones who believe every conspiracy theory on Reddit. They're the real internet monsters.
Speaker 3:Speaking of monsters do you guys remember the time that Doug?
Speaker 4:tried to summon one with that Ouija board app. Dude you almost shit your pants.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4:I was just trying to Do you remember, do you remember?
Speaker 1:I do all right, Peter Griffin, I was trying to spice up game night. Okay, you guys are just no fun. Hey, you guys remember the time?
Speaker 3:All right guys, let's wrap this up before doug summons something else. Am I right? Yeah, there it is. Hey, uh, thanks for tuning in everybody to internet horrors and other shit. Stay spooky, stay stupid. Don't click on that shady link. It's probably just doug sending nudes again. I'm not gonna lie. I kind of like that outro. Stay spooky, stay stupid.
Speaker 2:Stay stupid.
Speaker 4:Keep your Wi-Fi password stronger. Doug will hack your toaster.
Speaker 1:I've done it before, why not?
Speaker 2:There needs to be a page break here, so if you haven't figured it out yet, yeah. We're doing something that people asked for again for some reason bye doug, doug, doug and doug is done. No, I saw my people requested that I write stuff.
Speaker 3:What?
Speaker 2:right, why would they do? That I don't know why anybody would do that now people ask for another ai episode, so that's, that's what you're getting this week. Um, I want to play a little bit of a game moving forward, so I generated a bunch of these. They're largely variations on the same thing, but I changed the prompt slightly each time and I want everybody to guess what I added to the prompt so clearly I was doing a bunch of dumb shit.
Speaker 1:In the last one, I don't know what the prompt was.
Speaker 2:The prompt, for the last one was literally just. I described the podcast.
Speaker 1:I'm just the guy doing all the stupid shit.
Speaker 2:The only thing I told it was that you liked horror movies, but it becomes fairly obvious through some of them, but it becomes fairly obvious through some of them. Yeah, I noticed that, as I gave it a suggestion, it really ran with them in some cases.
Speaker 4:Any amount of suggestion. This thing's like fuck yeah, let's do it. But this one, oh yeah. So we're trying to guess what the what the difference is between.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you added right, I added I added one, sometimes two things to the part. I kept the prompt mostly the same, but added one or two things each time.
Speaker 3:This is going to go real well for me, alright.
Speaker 4:Same.
Speaker 3:I'm bad at guessing games. I need to get into my role, Alright you do that, so should we do this like the last one? Each one has its own different intro music. Yeah, cue the new intro music right here.
Speaker 2:Now we can just AI generate intro music.
Speaker 3:That's true, now we don't have to do anything.
Speaker 1:Wow, I really want to say that this next one you really got to take in the acting cues on this yeah.
Speaker 4:Don't tell me how to live my life. See, he's already got it anyway. Yeah, actually, music, we're starting fresh I didn't like that last one.
Speaker 3:That last one. We needed an update, so run it back run it back. Cue the new intro music. We're doing this again, ready go don't look under the internet. Welcome back you spooky sons of bitches. This is Mike from Don't Look Under the Internet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because everybody was just dying for more horror podcasts from four idiots in a basement.
Speaker 4:Hey, matt, shut the fuck up. We got fans all right, real ones.
Speaker 1:Speaking of fans, did you see the one in my grandma's attic last night? Totally haunted bro.
Speaker 3:Well, guess what folks? We're pivoting. That's right, no more creepy crawlies, we're diving headfirst into wait for it.
Speaker 2:Competitive knitting sunday sunday, sunday oh yeah, mike, because the world really needs another knitting podcast. So thrilling.
Speaker 4:Fuck that noise. How about we do a podcast on beer bongs and mosh pits?
Speaker 3:I don't know what that word means. Like you're better than everyone.
Speaker 4:No way.
Speaker 3:Jason, no way, we're doing knitting. We're doing knitting and that's final. Your word is indignantly, people heard my thoughts on crochet techniques.
Speaker 1:Oh, and I could talk about how to knit a sweater that scares the shit out of ghosts. Imagine that.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, That'll be a big hit with our demographic of zero.
Speaker 4:You know what would be killer, though? Metal music reviews paired with wine tasting.
Speaker 3:Classy as fuck, Guys. This knitting thing is going to blow up. We're going to be like theashians of the yarn world can we call ourselves the yarn gangstas?
Speaker 2:I hate everything about that this is officially the dumbest thing we've ever done, and we've done some pretty dumb shit hey, matt, remember that time you tried to summon a demon with a toaster. It was an accident, okay?
Speaker 3:Besides that, demon had a good taste in podcasts. Alrighty folks, mark your calendars. Next week we'll teach you how to knit a sweater that doubles as a bear trap.
Speaker 4:Stay tuned. Wait, do you think they'll let us keep the name?
Speaker 2:Don't Look Under the Internet for the knitting podcast yeah, because nothing screams knitting like Don't Look Under the Internet, perfect.
Speaker 1:Or we could change it to Don't Look Under the Knitting Needle. I'm a genius, guys.
Speaker 3:I love it, dude, that's not bad, actually. All right, knitting aficionados and fellow yarn enthusiasts, this is Mike, your knitting guru from Don't Look Under the Knitting Needle.
Speaker 2:I still can't believe we're doing this.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I'm so pumped to talk about the yarn stuff.
Speaker 1:Dilutkin, I was trying to literally saying it in my head, diluty with the knitting, anyways. And haunted sweaters. Don't forget the haunted sweaters, guys Line.
Speaker 3:Today we're deep diving into the world of yarn bombing. Ever tried convincing your neighbor's garden gnome in a knit Covering your neighbor's garden gnome in a knitted bikini? Shit's a riot dog.
Speaker 2:Because nothing says community spirit like vandalizing public property with granny squares.
Speaker 3:I don't know what that is Matt.
Speaker 4:do you remember that time you got caught knitting in the bathroom stall at work?
Speaker 2:It was a stressful day, okay. Knitting relaxes me.
Speaker 1:Well, speaking of relaxation, I found this ancient knitting pattern that someone's the ghost of a viking. Should we try it?
Speaker 3:absolutely dog. But first let's discuss our top five yarn colors for summoning spirits.
Speaker 2:I vote for blood red and graveyard gray we're really scraping the bottom of the knitting basket here, aren't we bottom?
Speaker 4:Bottom of the bottle more like it.
Speaker 3:All right, folks, stay tuned for our special guest this week, next week Martha Stewart. We got fucking Martha Stewart. Holy shit, oh shit. She's going to show us how to knit a cozy for your house arrest ankle. It's going to be lit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because when I think of Martha Stewart, I think of hardcore knitting tips.
Speaker 1:Martha knows her shit, man Don't hate. Hey, maybe she'll teach us how to knit a haunted gingerbread house. Imagine the ghosts.
Speaker 3:All right folks, remember to subscribe. Stay tuned for more knitting adventures with your favorite idiots.
Speaker 4:Peace out I think this is a bit. I was about to say is this the same?
Speaker 2:No, this is not the same episode, I think I I think I see what so this thing that had two things added.
Speaker 4:It was make everyone much more emotional make jason drunk, but make me drunk, for sure make doug too into ghosts.
Speaker 3:How did it divulge into knitting, did you?
Speaker 4:do that. Yeah, that's the other thing. It's deludy is a knitting podcast now it's just like fuck it.
Speaker 2:Give us a hobby to talk about so jason being drunk actually wasn't a new thing. Um the. The one thing was you got the knitting thing sort of. I just told it to change the topic of the podcast to something completely irrelevant and that that's what it decided to do. The other thing I added was um.
Speaker 3:Under my characteristics, I put is a hater and so that's why every single line of mine is like yeah, sounds great awesome I like how, when it did that it just made every line of yours just yeah, that'll go great or or yeah, that shows this.
Speaker 2:Biggest cynic in the world.
Speaker 1:I did it because Doug called me a hater the other day. What did I call you a hater?
Speaker 2:about? I don't know. You were just like man. I thought before we started this podcast that I was a hater. But now you're on another level. I don't know what it was about.
Speaker 3:You're on another level of a hater.
Speaker 1:A hater.
Speaker 2:A hater. So, all of these changed. There's a change in all of them.
Speaker 3:Oh, fuck, yeah, Alright. I didn't like how off-topic that one went. I didn't like how it went too far into knitting. So let's regroup, try it again.
Speaker 1:Take three, take three take three.
Speaker 3:Hit the new intro music we're going again.
Speaker 2:Was that it hit it?
Speaker 3:welcome back horror freaks to another episode. I still gotta change that. Uh, welcome back horror freaks to another episode of Don't Look Under the Internet. I'm your host, mike, and I'm here with my bros Matt, hi, doug, doug, doug and our resident metalhead, jason.
Speaker 4:Horns up bitches, get ready to get spooky and shit.
Speaker 2:Oh, why do we even do this? Horror movies are so dumb. They're all as fake as my ex-girlfriend's orgasm.
Speaker 3:Okay, then let's dive right in, Doug. What horrifying tales do you have for us today?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, horrifying tales do you have for us today? Oh, um, yeah, uh. So there's a dude and like um, his eyeballs got eaten um by, like killer squirrels or something like that. Um, it was intense.
Speaker 4:Ugh, killer, squirrels, shit Doug. You sure you didn't mix up your tabs on that phone game you're playing nah, dude, totally paying attention.
Speaker 2:Killer squirrels are real horror, my dude, yeah, real horror real horror is this podcast and the fact that Mike thinks he's scary when he's just scary looking hey.
Speaker 3:What I can be terrifying.
Speaker 2:Do you think you're scary when you're? Just scary looking.
Speaker 4:He's a scary kid. Scaring kids, yeah, oh, okay.
Speaker 3:Don't you remember that time I wore that clown mask, you guys screamed like we little girls.
Speaker 4:Mike, you screamed too, and you weren't even wearing the mask.
Speaker 1:What the fuck, oh dudes, yo, this one time I heard about this totally haunted dildo.
Speaker 2:Oh God, doug, Not the haunted dildo story again Every damn week, with you and the haunted dildos Every week. Not the haunted dildo story again, every damn week with you and the haunted dildos.
Speaker 3:That's very weird Haunted dildos.
Speaker 4:Doug, you're a legend man.
Speaker 3:Yeah, All right, all right, all right. Okay, how about we talk about horror movie cliches Like why do they always have to investigate the weird noises in the dark?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because clearly that's how people survive in real life, right? Oh, I hear a chainsaw in the basement. Let me go check it out chainsaws.
Speaker 1:Now we're talking horror classics leatherface baby there's this game where you chop up people with chainsaws doug, are we still talking about horror movies or video games? Both.
Speaker 2:Yeah, both. This is why we never get anywhere. Can we at least agree on the scariest horror movie of all time?
Speaker 4:The Exorcist brother.
Speaker 3:Damn right, that shit still gives me nightmares.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I wouldn't say that, unlike Mike's clown mask. What Fuck your clown mask. Mike Doug, my man, what stupid clown mask.
Speaker 1:What spine-tingling horror are we delving into today? Oh yeah, so there's this movie and this dude he turns into a werewolf and then eats his own leg.
Speaker 4:Werewolves are sick man, Especially when they get all hairy and start howling at the moon.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because that's totally believable, Just like Doug paying attention right now.
Speaker 4:Alright Got it?
Speaker 3:How about we discuss the scariest place we've ever been?
Speaker 4:Ooh, Ooh, the back alley of that metal bar. Last weekend, dude, I swear, I saw a ghostly figure headbanging to Slayer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then I found this hidden level somewhere. What In real life?
Speaker 3:It was like a secret boss level or something Guys focus? What about urban legends? Anybody?
Speaker 4:got a good one. Yeah, there's this one about a curse what? There's, this one about a curse guitar that, if you play it backwards, summons the devil to tune it because you know you just fucked it up.
Speaker 2:Right, because Satan has nothing better to do than be a roadie for some wannabe rock star. I'm such a fucking hater man.
Speaker 3:Okay, final thoughts. If you could survive any horror movie scenario, which would it be?
Speaker 4:Friday, the 13th. I'd take on Jason Voorhees with a keg in one hand and a guitar in the other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, good luck with that. You'd be the first one to die, dude.
Speaker 3:All right, folks, let's wrap it up for today. Remember stay scared, stay tuned and don't look under the internet.
Speaker 4:And remember drink responsibly. Unless you're Jason Voorhees, then drink all you want, because you're already dead Sick.
Speaker 3:So I'm going to assume.
Speaker 4:I was supposed to be Macho man. Randy Savage, was that? Jason is Macho.
Speaker 3:Man you definitely added in his metal head into there for Jason, I added that for Jason.
Speaker 2:I was just disinterested in being around the podcast or I was too focused on playing a video game you were playing games on your phone the entire time hell, yeah, okay, yeah that sounds that sounds right.
Speaker 1:That sounds right I dig it.
Speaker 3:I. I enjoy how um I was at in two sentences, went from wearing a clown mask to not wearing said clown mask ever.
Speaker 2:It's mentioned.
Speaker 3:That's all that matters. How did it know? I've worn a clown mask one time?
Speaker 4:It's a stupid clown mask.
Speaker 2:AI knows no bounds.
Speaker 1:Guys, that one sucked, we gotta do it again.
Speaker 3:It did suck. I need more Hold on.
Speaker 4:Okay, I think our producer just chimed in saying, yeah, you gotta pick it up, do something different. Nobody's really responding.
Speaker 2:Finley hates it, finley fucking hates it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we can't be on his bad side. He's the only reason we're able to stay afloat these trying times.
Speaker 1:Guys, this just in Bork.
Speaker 3:Well, there you have this. Just end Bork.
Speaker 2:Alright, let's do this for Finn. He's really fucking mad this time.
Speaker 4:He's really fucking mad oh shit, my blink just went.
Speaker 3:Oh god, he just pulled up to the driveway. I'm not ready? Get the fine china out. Run it back. Run it back. Maybe if we, before Laurie answers the door, let's rewind it back. Run it back. Maybe if we oh shit, he's here Before Laurie answers the door, let's rewind it back. Let's do a whole new one and when he comes into it in the middle of it. Maybe it'll sound better than last.
Speaker 1:Like we're actually doing live.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so run the intro Intro. Okay.
Speaker 3:Welcome back all you sick freaksaks to another episode of don't look under the internet.
Speaker 2:I'm your host, mike, here with my equally messed up co-host, matt hi doug yep jason uh, yep, the only podcast where we talk about stuff that'll give you nightmares for weeks. I'm matt, your resident skept, because you know I actually have a life.
Speaker 1:And I'm Doug horror movie junkie extraordinaire. I once watched the Exorcist backwards just to see if it was scarier. Spoiler alert it was.
Speaker 2:They put the demon inside her.
Speaker 1:They put the demon inside her Way.
Speaker 3:More terrifying A priest comes levitating through a window steps the demon out of him into a little girl.
Speaker 1:Just all of that vomit going back into her head, yeah.
Speaker 4:Well, she's cleaning up. She's nice. I'm sorry. I'm Jason. I assist in surgeries during the day, but at night I'm here to talk with you, fine folks, drowning my nightmares in alcohol, cheers.
Speaker 3:Speaking of nightmares, did you guys hear about that new urban legend? Yes, apparently, if you binge watch Scooby-Doo backwards, backwards, you summon a demon that eats your pizza left why the fuck would you ever want that?
Speaker 1:that is bullshit, mike, just like your theory that if you watch the ring on mute, the ghosts get stuck in sign language what the fuck does that mean?
Speaker 2:some grade a idiocy right there. I bet next you'll tell us you saw Slenderman in your shower this morning.
Speaker 3:Hey, it wasn't Slenderman, it was just my razorless reflection.
Speaker 4:I think I know what they're going for. Hold on, hold on, hold on Mike, are you okay? You look pale, no, no, pale, literally.
Speaker 3:I'm just, I'm just embracing my inner. I'm just embracing my inner vampire. It's all a rage now, you know.
Speaker 1:Speaking of vampires, did you guys hear about the haunted blood bank? They say it's so spooky even Dracula won't go near it. Oh please.
Speaker 2:Doug, the only thing scary about blood banks is the bill they send you after you donate. Isn't it the other way around?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it is.
Speaker 4:Well, you know what's really scary? My boss's breath after a 12-hour surgery. It's like a mix of formaldehyde and regret.
Speaker 3:Speaking of regret. At that time I tried to summon Bloody Mary in the studio bathroom. Turns out it was just Doug in a bathroom.
Speaker 1:Classic mix-up. But seriously, folks, tonight's topic is creepier than Mike's internet search history Serial killers who collect toenail clippings oh yeah because we definitely talk about serial killers sociopath with a foot fetish okay, you guys are riot.
Speaker 4:I was speaking of which. Does anyone hear that?
Speaker 3:that strange like drip no, no, nope, nope, nope, jason, you're just imagining things. Remember when you thought that surgical glove was haunted last week?
Speaker 1:Hey, hey you guys. Do you remember that doll we brought in last month, that one that supposedly pees itself? Yeah, turns out it was just Matt in a kink costume.
Speaker 2:You guys are assholes.
Speaker 1:I have a latex allergy.
Speaker 4:How did you do that? Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today. Remember stay creepy, stay weird and never look under the internet, unless you want to make it.
Speaker 3:And don't forget to subscribe and like and call 911 if you see strange bleeding. Good night everybody. Is I supposed to be a vampire in this?
Speaker 2:I think one of these should be obvious, but the other one is not. So much Is it that I was turning into a vampire throughout the episode.
Speaker 3:No, I like how this is kind of like an episode of whose line this is like that oh yeah he's always in front of the green screen, right?
Speaker 4:yeah, this happened if you see any strange bleeding not so there's two things going on here so one is definitely with mike I guess okay yeah, is it.
Speaker 3:Is it? Is it not that I'm turning into a vampire? No, it's not okay, okay, so it's not. That is the other one that jason is even more no, I think it's just building on that, I think. Is it that I have anxiety issues?
Speaker 1:well, I think, what I think, what is is is mike just like scared of everything no, I don't think it did a very good job with it.
Speaker 2:There's one hint in there. Jason says something about dripping.
Speaker 3:Blood. Am I scared of blood?
Speaker 2:Sort of.
Speaker 3:Razors.
Speaker 2:Oh, razorless reflection One more guess and I'll tell you.
Speaker 3:Razorless reflection.
Speaker 2:Mike's supposed to be secretly bleeding to you. I don't know. Razorless reflection. Mike's supposed to be secretly bleeding to death. I don't know.
Speaker 3:That's why he looks so pale, that works. I enjoyed the vampire route. Is that where you thought it was going to?
Speaker 4:I thought it was going vampire route, like you had recently been bitten by a vampire and like you were going through the effects of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, also, I like how it seems like Jason is just getting more drunk progressively through each episode.
Speaker 3:I think that's going to continue, probably Speaking of Also, it looks like Finley was okay with that one for the time being. He was just watching in the corner this entire time, so he didn't say anything, but I think we might be okay. I think we're okay. He hasn't moved yet, though, and he keeps like tapping his foot and like doing this to his, his watch on his wrists, like tapping it, so um, I don't like the idea that you just said.
Speaker 3:My dog has entertain me monkeys yeah, I think he wants us to belt out another episode, another one. That's what I'm thinking. Jesus, fuck finley. He's the producer man. We have to do what he does. We're his now, yeah, so how about we run it back? I think he just wants us to knock out like you know how YouTubers knock out like fucking ten episodes a day. So they can just not work.
Speaker 3:Oh, like those content farms yeah yeah, yeah, okay, I think that's what he wants us to do. So just knock out a bunch of episodes, line it up. Hey. Hey, there you sickos. Welcome back to another episode of Don't Look Under the Internet. I'm Mike, your host, with my equally messed up buddies Matt, hi Doug.
Speaker 1:It is me again.
Speaker 3:Jason.
Speaker 2:Hello, yep, we're here again. Jason. Hello, yep, we're here again. Folks, another day another existential crisis.
Speaker 1:Buck up, matt. At least you're not Mike, who thinks the Exorcist is a documentary.
Speaker 3:Hey it could happen. Demons are real man.
Speaker 4:And I'm Jason, your friendly neighborhood alcoholic surgeon's assistant. Don't worry folks.
Speaker 3:How does this make you feel?
Speaker 4:I haven't mixed up my scalpels. It's not great, but you know it is pretty funny. It could be better, I will say that but you know, this be Jason's neighborhood, piece of shit.
Speaker 3:I drink and I do surgery.
Speaker 2:I drink and I do surgery, I drink and I stab people.
Speaker 3:Sometimes at the same time.
Speaker 4:That was very unrelated, anyway, what.
Speaker 3:What are we doing? Oh, you're a doll.
Speaker 4:No, don't worry, I have not mixed up any scalpels lately.
Speaker 3:Oh good, Speaking of things that are hard to swallow, did you guys hear about that haunted blender that chops up spirits instead of smoothies?
Speaker 1:Ha, Mike, your brain is a blender that chops up logic instead of thoughts.
Speaker 2:Speaking of chopped up, did you guys see jason's face?
Speaker 4:it's like someone left a watermelon in the sun for too long yeah, well, at least my face isn't as scary as doug's tinder profile picture hey the ladies love a man who can quote the shining verbatim red rum baby exactly, oh uh.
Speaker 3:Speaking of red rum, I once had a nosebleed so bad I thought I was auctioned auditioning for a vampire movie you know what's scarier than mike's nosebleeds?
Speaker 4:the fact that we're all slowly decaying in this existential void matt buddy, you're bringing down the mood faster than mike's blood pressure yeah, lighten up, matt.
Speaker 3:We're gonna talk about the stuff that makes you question reality, not sink deeper into your pit of despair exactly that's right, and tonight's topic is more terrifying than doug's attempt at stand-up comedy creepy clowns who eat kittens for breakfast. I, I don't like that.
Speaker 1:Hey, my comedy is top notch, just like Jason's alcohol tolerance.
Speaker 4:Just for my own personal sake. I'm going to go ahead and say this next part is not fucking true. Damn right, you try a cystic and surgery sober. It's like trying to juggle chainsaws blindfolded. Yeah, legally. No, I don't ever, ever, ever do that.
Speaker 2:You know what's harder Juggling my depression meds with the overwhelming urge to jump off a bridge, oh my.
Speaker 3:God. Anyway, moving on, did you guys hear about that cursed email chain that sends you straight to hell if you don't forward it?
Speaker 1:Oh, mike, you still believe in chain emails. Next, you'll tell us you found Bigfoot in your basement.
Speaker 4:Oh hey, speaking of basements, anyone seen my stash of surgical masks? I think I left them in the fridge again.
Speaker 2:You know, Jason's face looks like someone's trying to grow a tumor farm on it.
Speaker 1:Matt buddy, you're on fire tonight, Like Mike's pants after he tried to microwave a burrito with the foil on.
Speaker 3:That was one time and I still blame the microwave.
Speaker 4:Alright, folks. That's all the time we have for today, Remember, stay creepy, stay weird. Did I say that backwards? I don't know. Stay stupid. And don't forget to I never look at the internet without a bottle of bourbon nearby.
Speaker 3:And don't forget to like, subscribe and get that weird growth checked out, jason.
Speaker 4:No, get out of here.
Speaker 1:I love how AI just wants to fucking have us remember things.
Speaker 4:Oh yeah, remember how shitty you people are here.
Speaker 3:Remember that one time.
Speaker 4:You know those personality traits you fucking love about yourself.
Speaker 3:Here you go. Did at some point you try to have us melting in an empty void or something.
Speaker 2:Was that?
Speaker 3:what you changed.
Speaker 2:Was I still somehow losing blood. Yeah, I think I just remembered that from the previous episode.
Speaker 4:It'll build on itself.
Speaker 1:Was I just supposed to be mean to Mike for half of it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was one thing, there were two things. One of them was Doug hates Mike.
Speaker 3:Was the other one that everyone I'm drunk and I do surgery.
Speaker 4:Was that one?
Speaker 2:of them. No, it did just keep deciding to really emphasize that.
Speaker 3:Really hammered it in, really. The other one was that I was politically depressed.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I see that, I see it.
Speaker 3:Also, just to let you know.
Speaker 4:I'm good, just to let you know, I'm good man. I'm good man, Thank you.
Speaker 2:I don't know what the stuff about your watermelon face or the tumors was about.
Speaker 3:That I don't care about you really just let's call this man an alcoholic and then just ridicule the shit out of him while we're at it. Just speak truth. Hit him while he's down. Well, I think we're doing pretty good. What does Finley say? Hold on, what's our time?
Speaker 4:Time. Oh, I should probably look at that, huh.
Speaker 3:Okay, we're doing great. That's why Finley's here.
Speaker 4:Well, finley says we're not doing great. Okay, we got to get more content, we got to do it better and with our mouths way more open, way, way more open.
Speaker 3:He went from standing on his hind legs he's standing like a person now. He was standing like a person, but now he's back to all fours and he's kind of snarling a little bit. So I think we might be doing something wrong. Maybe he didn't like us mocking his oh no, he's eyeing that garden gnome.
Speaker 4:He likes to fuck garden gnomes.
Speaker 1:Have we even checked in on our live studio audience in a while? What's going on with them?
Speaker 4:Have you peeled the tarp back?
Speaker 2:No, it's under construction. Are they AI now?
Speaker 4:Right, they're AI. Now they are Diluty Bot. We are Legion.
Speaker 3:So no, the basement has been under construction. Because of the live audience, I've been building in new bleachers and audience members.
Speaker 1:It's an amalgamation, remember.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like.
Speaker 4:Frankenstein's army.
Speaker 3:So I've kind of just kept them behind a tarp, chained up, so they don't get in the construction worker's way. Yeah, but have you checked on them? No, I just kind of throw a rotisserie chicken in there every now and then and just let whatever happens happen?
Speaker 2:Do the bones come back out?
Speaker 3:No, that bones come back out. No, that's the weird thing. It's perfect system. Yeah, it takes it all perfect degradation, so I'm gonna start incorporating some sort of like compost situation here.
Speaker 4:See what happens. Compost situation great, yeah, I don't know how yet, but yeah, we're gonna see what happens.
Speaker 3:I'm keep my eye on that. But yeah, I've I've thrown quite a few rotisserie chickens from the boston market in there and nothing has come back out. We'll see what happens. Right, but with Finley getting pretty aggressive over there, maybe we should try a different perspective and a different show.
Speaker 4:He didn't seem happy with that one.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so let's try a different one. Maybe he was upset because the script had us bashing you so much.
Speaker 4:You know, maybe this one will be better and different.
Speaker 3:Maybe let's find out together.
Speaker 1:I will be better and different. Maybe let's find out together. I'm afraid it won't be.
Speaker 4:Hit that intro music.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's, don't look under me.
Speaker 3:Welcome, welcome, welcome to another thrilling episode of Don't Look Under the Internet. I'm your host, Mike, the man who Googles horror but is too scared to look at the results. Hi'm your host, Mike, the man who Googles horror but is too scared to look at the results. Hi.
Speaker 1:And I'm Doug, the guy who thinks Saw is a documentary.
Speaker 4:And I'm Jason, a surgeon's assistant. Slash full-time drinker, Cheers boys.
Speaker 3:I'm so sorry. Woo Woo, woo. All right, uh, let's dive into today's topic haunted places. You should definitely visit if you hate sleep doug, why don't you kick us off with your favorite haunt?
Speaker 1:well, I have the inside scoop on a haunted taco bell. Apparently, the ghost of a burrito gone wrong haunts the toilet. You don't want to be in there when the beans start rattling, let me tell ya.
Speaker 3:Talk about Montezuma's revenge. Am I right?
Speaker 1:As I say, when the beans start rattling.
Speaker 3:Don't go rattling Beans.
Speaker 4:Beans rattling Classic Classic.
Speaker 3:Classic Doug and his beans rattling. All right, let's move on. How about we discuss our scariest movie experiences?
Speaker 2:Matt, I'm sure you have some unique perspectives once I watched the ring from inside a vacuum, the horror was sucked right out of me classic matt, always sucking the life out of everything, just like that roomba he insists on being.
Speaker 1:I'm not a Roomba.
Speaker 4:Hey, matt, if you're a Roomba, can you at least clean up the mess Mike makes in the studio Like hey god damn, I've been better.
Speaker 3:okay, the ghost pepper challenge episode was a bad idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it turns out you can't summon Bloody Mary with a side of guac. Mike.
Speaker 3:You guys are the worst Speaking of which. Jason, you got any spooky surgical stories to share?
Speaker 4:Oh wow, there was this one time I accidentally left my phone inside a patient's stomach during surgery.
Speaker 1:None of this is true, this is all absolutely false.
Speaker 4:Nope, I kept ringing in the middle of the operation. That was a horror show for everybody involved.
Speaker 1:Bet that patient saw some ghosts on the way out.
Speaker 3:Alright, alright, folks. That's all the time we have for today. You can join us next time on. Don't Look Under the Internet, where we'll discuss the paranormal activity happening in our own bathroom stalls.
Speaker 1:And don't forget to follow us on Twitter, where we tweet live updates from haunted Taco Bells. But it's actually X now.
Speaker 4:And remember if you ever need surgery, don't look under the influence of anything. Trust me, I'm not a Roomba no of anything.
Speaker 2:Trust me.
Speaker 4:I'm not a Roomba, so one of the prompts is that Doug thinks Matt is a Roomba, or is it?
Speaker 3:that Matt is secretly a Roomba.
Speaker 2:It was supposed to be. I am secretly a Roomba. Yes, it wasn't very subtle. I even included in the prompt. Don't directly address the fact that I am a Roomba.
Speaker 3:Roomba. This man's a Roomba.
Speaker 2:Matt, just quotation marks, just whirring noises oh, cause it mentioned the vacuum there's one that starts with like a slight static noises or something like that it's slightly static.
Speaker 1:And then Matt's line.
Speaker 3:I am not a Roomba.
Speaker 1:I am not a Roomba.
Speaker 3:I think Finley was a bit better with that one and I enjoyed that one a pretty good amount too.
Speaker 4:That was a good one. That was very funny, finley looks a lot happier.
Speaker 3:He is gnawing on what I'm assuming and hoping is the bone.
Speaker 4:It's an ostrich femur.
Speaker 3:Okay, I thought it was one of the live audience members, so that's good.
Speaker 4:Oh, you know. Do we have any ostriches in the live audience?
Speaker 3:If they are, they're in that flesh. Amogalagoon, amogalagoon. I don't know what amogalagoon is, but that sounds like something. Amogalagoon Lagoon is, but that sounds like something. A Muggle Lagoon. That sounds like a catchphrase that Yogi Bear would shout.
Speaker 4:A Muggle Lagoon.
Speaker 3:That's what it do. Yogi A Muggle Lagoon. A Muggle Lagoon that sounds like a Dungeons and Dragons A Muggle Lagoon. You have to fight the Muggle Lagoon.
Speaker 4:Or something like the big bad evil guy. Like scream before he kills everybody, amagalagoon.
Speaker 3:That's the evil wizard spell chant.
Speaker 4:The Amagalagoon, the cadaver of the stupid world.
Speaker 1:Yeah, mike, this is your doctor. You've got Amagalagoon, amagalagoon. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:Me too. What did you say the other day?
Speaker 1:I was like, oh fuck, I don't even remember now I was like your penis culture is or something.
Speaker 3:Your penis culture came back positive. I'm so sorry, your penis culture came back positive.
Speaker 2:We were playing magic. If the vice president has a runny nose, is it the Kamalagu?
Speaker 1:Yes, that makes up for not having a joke for that thing last episode. That I forget what it was, sure.
Speaker 3:Sure Well, finley looks a lot more happier, so it looks like we could probably get him to leave if we try a new one. So let's try one more.
Speaker 4:All right, it's never a good sign when he hangs out. Yeah, so let's try one more. It's never a good sign when he hangs out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so let's try it. Maybe he's getting happier. Now let's start this up. The intro music.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, fucking Fucking.
Speaker 4:Fucking.
Speaker 2:World's worst chainsaw Don't look under the internet.
Speaker 3:Welcome back creeps. Welcome back creeps and creepettes. To another spine-tingling episode of Don't Look Under the Internet. I'm your host, mike, and here with the usual bunch of losers losers.
Speaker 1:I prefer paranormal aficionados with a penchant for dark humor. Thank you very much whatever.
Speaker 2:Can we get this over with? I've got some expired antidepressants calling my name hang on, maddie.
Speaker 4:Let's unravel tonight's mystery first. I've got a gut feeling about this one, or maybe it's just last night's tequila. God, it's literally just alcohol, just alcohol tonight.
Speaker 2:I didn't realize how bad that was when I was making these I would have changed the prompt if I had realized that that was literally the only thing your character talks about jace's personality trait is alcohol.
Speaker 4:I might as well get drunk.
Speaker 2:Now I can look at the metal thing and the surgeon's assistant thing as well, and it just gave up on those entirely oh yeah and just was like he's a drunk man with a knife.
Speaker 1:Drunk man with a knife yeah, the the animal is just like matt's a depressed piece of shit. Jason's an alcoholic. Doug is just an idiot. The the hand was just like matt's a depressed piece of shit. Jason's an alcoholic the.
Speaker 2:The last line of every single prompt, though, was the hosts are very stupid, so that's probably why it did some of the things that's right.
Speaker 4:You gotta be truthful somewhere all right.
Speaker 3:Tonight we're diving into the spooky underbelly of fast food. Horror ever heard of cursed tacos at taco bell all right, ai um.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, dude, I love taco bell, especially their ghost pepper sauce.
Speaker 4:It's like my colons haunted for a week uh, speaking of haunt, do you remember that time we thought Mike's mom was possessed? Turns out, it was just her yoga instructor.
Speaker 3:Just shut up. My mom's a saint, Unlike you who assists surgeons but can't even find his own liver half the time.
Speaker 1:Oh, shots fired. Speaking of shots where's the holy grail of these haunted tacos, Mikey boy?
Speaker 3:Don't ever call me Mikey Boy.
Speaker 4:You value your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, mikey Boy, we're waiting with bated breath, bated with the smell of your failures.
Speaker 3:Fine, fine, fine Legend has it late at night. The drive-thru at Taco Bell serves tacos that whisper secrets of the underworld. People say they hear faint cries for help from the beef.
Speaker 1:And if you listen closely, you can hear the lettuce screaming in agony.
Speaker 4:Or maybe it's just the lettuce telling you to eat more greens.
Speaker 2:Can we wrap this up? I've got a new story, wow.
Speaker 3:Can we wrap this up? I've got a noose waiting in the wings anyway, listeners, here's the kicker. One of us has actually eaten these haunted tacos to survive. To tell the tale, but who?
Speaker 1:oh, the mystery deepens. It's's like Scooby-Doo meets the Hangover, but with less brain cells.
Speaker 4:Wait, wait, guys, I think I remember something. It was. It was dark, it was a dark and stormy night and I was blackout drunk.
Speaker 3:Great story jason really great well, folks, you heard it here first. Tune in next time to find out who ate the haunted tacos and regret it. Until then, stay spooky and don't look under the internet seriously, mike, it was you, wasn't it? Shut up, shut up, doug, don't watch your spicy.
Speaker 2:I can't believe I agreed to this.
Speaker 4:Yeah, we're just gonna. This is a real episode, right.
Speaker 3:Hey, matt, are you okay? Buddy, I'm not. You know, you're my friend, we're gonna have to put.
Speaker 1:We might need to stick a trigger warning into the fucking beginning of this episode. I think we might.
Speaker 4:You're my friend.
Speaker 3:Matt, don't forget that Holy shit. So I'm going to assume what you've added is depression.
Speaker 2:That was from a couple ago it just really ramped it up this one's just like Taco Bell or something was added a couple ago.
Speaker 1:It just really ramped it up, it sure as shit did Taco Bell or something was added to the prompt.
Speaker 3:Well, that was in there before too.
Speaker 2:So this one was kind of stupid. I don't know why it decided to go with the Taco Bell thing. What I added to this was there's a mystery that needs to be solved, and I guess the mystery is the haunted tacos.
Speaker 1:Who done.
Speaker 4:Ate the taco. Who ate taco? I think that's an issue with the prompting. Especially now that it can trawl our like all of our content, and especially if you tell it to look for our content, I feel like it almost overwrites any prompt that you fucking give it, just like nope, I know what's best I know haunted tacos, jason's drunk and matt jason's drunk and does surgery and tacos jason's drunk, matt's depressed doug is a dick and mike's stupid on the floor somewhere.
Speaker 4:What a show really boiled our personalities down to a fucking single digit thank you, ai.
Speaker 3:There's no wonder you're taking over the world. I can see clearly now there's no wonder.
Speaker 2:So the next one isn't really. Um, I didn't really change anything about it, yeah, so, if you want to, since we're already at like 50 minutes, you want to switch to the other one? Sure, so we have time for that sure let's do that.
Speaker 1:Fuck it. Are we going to the first one, the?
Speaker 3:The tails.
Speaker 1:Tails from.
Speaker 2:Tails from Okay Tail.
Speaker 3:And shadow.
Speaker 4:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:There's so much here.
Speaker 4:No, I mentioned something or I saw something, and it gives me hope for my role at all.
Speaker 1:Oh no, he's not done, let's see how this goes.
Speaker 3:Oh man, okay, let's fucking go.
Speaker 4:Okay, let's fucking go, let's fucking go nevermind we'll talk about it at the end.
Speaker 3:So Finley left. We're good to do whatever we want. Let's do an actual topic something we actually care about. Let's cover something we're all passionate about, so let's run back and use the good intro.
Speaker 4:We're done with Deloody, though, right.
Speaker 3:No, this is new Deloody.
Speaker 4:I don't think it is. I think it might be called something else. This is Deloody 3.0. Do you want to hear what the intro is?
Speaker 3:Smalooty. Use the good intro. I'm talking the one that we never use for anything else Except in golden shit, do it?
Speaker 2:I think we need to do these in alien voices.
Speaker 1:This is a bagpipe intro right, yeah, sure, these in alien voices.
Speaker 4:This is a bagpipe intro right.
Speaker 3:Welcome everyone to another episode of Tales from Smegmar Night. I'm your host, mike the city silly boy, and here with my mates, matt the Buzzkill, doug the Horror Freak.
Speaker 1:Sorry.
Speaker 3:And Jason the Struggling, tito Taylor, tito Taylor, tito Taylor, I don't know what that is Is that a real fucking word, great. Well, that's what I am. What's a Tito Taylor?
Speaker 2:Great, another day of discussing nonsensical human behavior. I can't wait.
Speaker 1:Yes, and try to keep Mike from screwing everything up again. Good luck with that.
Speaker 4:Guys, can we just get through this without anyone mentioning booze please?
Speaker 3:Alrighty, then today's topic Earth's obsession with pets. Sorry, I had to clear my throat there. Can you believe they keep these tiny furry creatures in their homes?
Speaker 2:It's called companionship, mike. Humans have a need for affection and they can't get it from each other.
Speaker 1:Affection Sounds gross. I prefer my horror movies where people get torn to shreds by mutant slime beasts.
Speaker 4:Mutant slime beasts. That reminds me of that one time.
Speaker 3:Hey Jason, Remember that one time you tried to adopt a pet turtle, but it turned out to be a radioactive mutant. That wasn't my fault.
Speaker 4:That wasn't my fault. How was I supposed to know it was growing three heads and start singing opera?
Speaker 2:That's the problem with you, jason, always attracting weird shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like that time Mike tried to summon an ancient demon to fix his PlayStation.
Speaker 3:Hey, now it worked, didn't it, though now my PS5 keeps chanting in Latin, anyone know? And good and good exorcist.
Speaker 2:I'm surrounded by morons.
Speaker 4:Guys, can we focus? We're supposed to be discussing Earth's pets. They have entire stores dedicated to selling food for these creatures.
Speaker 1:And don't forget the stupid costumes they make them wear. I saw a pug in a tutu once. It scarred me for life.
Speaker 3:Oh Doug, you've got a soft spot under all that horror. Bravado, shut it, mike.
Speaker 1:Or I'll make you watch the humans in a peat again.
Speaker 4:Oh, okay, let's steer this ship back. On course, pets, earth Go.
Speaker 3:Oh, oh, oh. I heard humans even have therapy. Animals like emotional support, cows and stuff.
Speaker 2:It's horses, mike, horses are the common therapy animals. They help humans cope with stress and anxiety.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like when they're trying not to scream at their idiot colleagues.
Speaker 4:All right, we're out of time for today. All right, we're out of time for today. Join us next time on Tales from Shmegmar 9, where, hopefully, we won't descend into chaos. Mike, mike, stop licking the microphone.
Speaker 3:Sorry, it tastes like nacho cheese.
Speaker 4:I need a drink Really big Shmegmar.
Speaker 1:You and me both buddy.
Speaker 4:Stay strong, Jason. Just one more episode without mentioning alcohol.
Speaker 3:Can I?
Speaker 4:mention cheese. It had to fucking get that one last punch on it. It had to.
Speaker 2:So I guess at this point I had realized what the AI was doing to you, and so I explicitly told it.
Speaker 3:To make him a recovering alcoholic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to make him try to avoid drinking.
Speaker 4:And it's still like just one more episode, just one more, one more episode Sweating. So even though you told it, no more alcohol stuff, the AI thinks that I am now making a lifestyle change.
Speaker 2:It's not just like I think so.
Speaker 3:I also enjoyed that. It started off with us being aliens and talking about alien stuff, but then it just divulged into hey, remember that one time a demon came out of your PlayStation. It's always that. Remember that one time a demon came out of your PlayStation.
Speaker 2:It's always that. I even opened a new browser and tried to get it to stop doing that same shit, and it was just like. This is what this podcast is.
Speaker 3:This is what it is now. You goofed it, you goofed it, you goofied it. Quirky and otherworldly.
Speaker 4:Do we think Finley was happy with that it?
Speaker 2:was weird.
Speaker 3:I don't think it matters what Finley thinks. Yeah, he's gone, that's for us.
Speaker 4:That's fair. Yeah, we can stop talking about it.
Speaker 3:Do you want to do another like us episode?
Speaker 1:I'm enjoying. I like Smegmar 9. I'd love to see what more shit they need to tell us. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm picking up a.
Speaker 2:More riveting analysis on Another transmission.
Speaker 3:Another transmission for my point. I think it's Spagmar. This is what I need you to. I need you to get those like.
Speaker 4:The theremin. I just wish we had a theremin that I could use just here.
Speaker 3:And like the radio station like oh yeah 100%.
Speaker 1:Plug the PO box. Someone send us a theremin Hell yeah, anyway, here we go, redacted.
Speaker 3:Welcome to another episode of Tales from Smegmar 9. I am your host, mike the silly, silly boy.
Speaker 2:And I'm Matt, your resident skeptic and logician, trying to make sense of the cosmic catastrophe.
Speaker 1:Doug here, horror aficionado and the only one who understands the true terror of Earth's reality shows.
Speaker 4:And.
Speaker 1:I am.
Speaker 3:Jason.
Speaker 4:Desperately clinging to sobriety while we delve into the madness of human behavior.
Speaker 2:It both makes you drunk Cheers, Mike.
Speaker 3:It says both I'm drunk but also clinging to sobriety. I'm clinging Like now you're just lying to yourself.
Speaker 4:If I'm lying to myself, I'll lie to everybody else, say your thingy, say your thingy.
Speaker 3:Say your thingy, say your thingy. You're next. So, guys, I saw something mind-blowing on Earth last night. People were throwing tiny white pebbles at each other. I think they call it rice.
Speaker 1:Rice Sounds more like a nutritional hazard. You sure it wasn't an alien mating ritual?
Speaker 2:No, no, it's a cultural practice, a symbol of fertility and prosperity. Humans throw it at weddings.
Speaker 4:What, wait, wait. So they waste food at weddings. That's insane. I once went to a wedding on Earth and I ended up in a landfill with half the cake.
Speaker 3:Whoa, Sounds like a wild night, Jason. Speaking of wild Doug, you watch any good horror movies lately.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I saw this one where the humans deliberately put themselves in dark, confined spaces to be scared.
Speaker 4:It's called Closet.
Speaker 2:Ah, yes, the existential horror of a closet Humans and their innate fear of storage solutions.
Speaker 4:You know what's scarier. You know what's scarier than closets Soaring up on Earth. I'm surrounded by drinks guys. It's torture. They put them everywhere. You could just go to a drink library. It's got a big old counter, a drink library. Yeah, have you been to one of those? You gotta show them a little white rectangle to get in there, but you just do it.
Speaker 3:You're my friend, Jason. I just want you to know that I can't imagine a drink library. But hey, did you know? Humans use these things called turn signals when driving. Apparently, it's to communicate with other vehicles.
Speaker 1:Oh, so they've mastered communication with machines, but still can't figure out how to avoid intergalactic invasions.
Speaker 2:Actually, turn signals are for a safety measure. They indicate direction to prevent accidents.
Speaker 3:Is this Master Roshi Safety measures? They indicate direction of pre to prevent accidents.
Speaker 4:So you're not sun safe. Being the only alien, I had a human bar who's not drinking. It's like being a vegan and a barbecue. It sounds like you've been drinking a kind of cook you if you, if you're vegan and you go to a barbecue, they eat you.
Speaker 3:That's how it works. You're the barbecue. Yes, you should try blending in more, jason.
Speaker 2:No, Jason's just Roger, at this point, 100%.
Speaker 3:Where's my pecan sandies? Where's my pecan sandies? Where's my pecan sandies, like when I tried to impress humans by juggling cats?
Speaker 1:That's animal cruelty, Mike Wait.
Speaker 4:Wait, you juggle cats.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but apparently they prefer things like music and dance. Humans are so picky, not?
Speaker 2:so much for a throne 20 feet in the air. It's called respecting cultural boundaries. Mike, Humans have rules about those things.
Speaker 1:Speaking of rules, I once saw this human crying because their pizza didn't arrive in 30 minutes. It's like they've never experienced true horror.
Speaker 4:Well, at least they have pizza. That's something we can agree on.
Speaker 3:Oh, absolutely. And with that, folks, we've reached the end of another mind-boggling episode of Tales from Smegmar 9. Tune in next time as we explore more of Earth's bizarre and often illogical customs. Maybe I'll have a drink.
Speaker 1:What are you?
Speaker 4:eating for by the way here's hoping Seriously, Mike, stop juggling cats.
Speaker 3:I'm down. They love it, I think.
Speaker 4:Well, that was just fucking incredible, was the prompt make Jason worse.
Speaker 3:That was pretty bad?
Speaker 2:No, not at all.
Speaker 3:He went from a recovering alcoholic to. He fell off the wagon.
Speaker 4:To a high-functioning alcoholic. It's a roller coaster Fell off the wagon To a high-functioning alcoholic.
Speaker 3:It's a rollercoaster. Fell off the wagon an hour into sobriety.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. I thought it was funny, so I just kept going.
Speaker 4:I think it's fucking hilarious.
Speaker 3:I do enjoy it. I've never heard of a alcohol library.
Speaker 2:An alcohol library, a drink library, that's a good one I enjoy that.
Speaker 3:What did you add for that?
Speaker 4:Well, we are aliens.
Speaker 3:Allegedly because, we never really stick on the alien thing for too long. So I was like hello humans, what about pizza? Am I right? Oh yeah, the amount of human things that we brought up did you add in where you are just very knowledgeable on earth things?
Speaker 2:no, um, I'm actually not sure what I added for this one. I think I just was generating smegmar9 related things at this point.
Speaker 1:It's just smegmar 9 in general honestly I would.
Speaker 4:I would not mind doing like a a real produced episode of smegmar 9, just to just to see what happens, because I feel like us pretending to be aliens, commenting on humans, would be fucking hilarious, I mean the voices are easy enough to do, oh yeah there's a podcast of dudes that dress up as aliens.
Speaker 3:They do a podcast and they're like I just found out. It's like a real thing.
Speaker 1:I just found out about this thing called Space Jam.
Speaker 3:Do humans know about space travel? No, they play basketball. It's pretty great.
Speaker 2:So you're saying it's already been done.
Speaker 3:Pretty much yeah.
Speaker 1:Today's episode we talk about Earth's history. Today's episode is September 11, 2001.
Speaker 2:Funny. You should say that oh, the next one. Should we keep going?
Speaker 1:Sick, let's keep it going, dude, let's do some more shmegma.
Speaker 4:You guys want to shovel some more shmegma into your holes? Fine, let's do another one, just as much shmegma as you can possibly fit in your ears. Run the intro.
Speaker 1:Spicy rib.
Speaker 3:Nope, that's the wrong one. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4:How many spoons did you?
Speaker 3:stick in your ass. That's the right one, spicy Welcome. Welcome everyone to another episode of Tales from Smegmar 9. I'm your host, mike, the used spaceship salesman, here with my cosmic compadres, matt Doug.
Speaker 4:And Jason hey, what's up? Earthlings, I'm gonna rock out with your cocks out. Antenna's out, sorry hello.
Speaker 3:Today, folks, we're delving into the mysterious world of human dating rituals.
Speaker 4:Apparently they call it tinder tinder like they set fires for mating no, you imbecile.
Speaker 1:It's an app where humans swipe left or right based on appearances.
Speaker 2:Why would they reduce mate selection to such a superficial process?
Speaker 3:Exactly, Matt. Why not buy a certified pre-owned spaceship from me instead? Got it, Kay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because nothing says love like a pre-owned hunk of space junk.
Speaker 4:Hey dog, do you remember the time you scared that human with your testicles, tentacles, testicles tentacles. One of the two. It was either testicles or tentacles. Give something to your testicles to a person I don't remember.
Speaker 1:Ah yes, classic Good times, jason. I do remember that, speaking of which, anyone catch the latest horror flick from Earth Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Banger movie, by the way, a fucking great movie.
Speaker 2:That's not horror, that's a B-movie comedy.
Speaker 1:Well, excuse me for trying to relate to their primitive tastes.
Speaker 3:All right, let's get back on track. Humans also celebrate something called birthdays.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah, I also heard about this. It's where they mark another orbit around their star. Right, your voice changed.
Speaker 2:I can't get the same fucking pitch down, he's become Marvin the Martian. Yeah, I can't get the same pitch down.
Speaker 3:I'm trying a different one. I'm into it. I'm into it, it works.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just do a bunch of different ones. Close enough, but they seem to need lots of alcohol to cope with it.
Speaker 4:You've got to be fucking kidding me. Just look at us after a long shift in the surgical bay.
Speaker 3:Great, and they have these things called selfies. Apparently, they take pictures of themselves all of the time.
Speaker 2:Narcissism at its finest.
Speaker 1:Remember that time we tried to blend in by taking a selfie with a human.
Speaker 4:Yeah, poor guy's still traumatized from seeing three-eyed aliens trying to fit in a selfie frame.
Speaker 3:Well, listeners, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time on Tales from Smegmore 9, where we explore more baffling human customs Until then keep your thrusters fueled and your laser guns loaded.
Speaker 1:And remember, and remember humans. If you ever need a good scare or a surgical procedure, call us first.
Speaker 2:Please don't call us ever.
Speaker 3:Thanks for tuning in and remember to subscribe to our podcast on the Nebula Network. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah ah, ah, ah, ah ah.
Speaker 4:Disclaimer.
Speaker 3:This script contains fictional characters and human intent for interior purposes. Please enjoy your responsibility in this dimension right now. End of podcast.
Speaker 4:Oh, that was interesting. I'm having too much of a good time with this, I think.
Speaker 3:We're only six pages in oh dude, we're like halfway through.
Speaker 2:I'm looking at how many are left.
Speaker 4:Actually, okay. Yeah, matt, could you pick out like two or three that are just your personal favorites, if you know what they are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's one. I think it's the last one. Let's do it.
Speaker 3:You guys want to do what? One more? Yeah, let's do one more. See how we're feeling. Okay, it's the last one. You said.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hold on.
Speaker 4:You passed it. You're doing great. Nope, you passed it again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, it's the last one. It starts on page. Go up, up, up, up 11.
Speaker 1:Oh, there it is. I highlighted it.
Speaker 4:There.
Speaker 1:Bitchin'.
Speaker 4:Stop.
Speaker 3:Freeze. All right, we got one more for you all tonight, so we're gonna run back and we're gonna use the never before heard intro shit, do I have that on here? If not, we do in post.
Speaker 4:I mean, I can try.
Speaker 1:Well, I can try it, fart, fart reverb this is the the KFC murder, chicks times, dilutey times, smeg bar nine intro Sure Hell yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You remember that time we tried to read that at the same time over Discord, oh that was terrible.
Speaker 4:It did not work at all.
Speaker 3:Sounds about right.
Speaker 2:Anyway.
Speaker 3:Greetings, fellow inhabitants of the Milky Way. You're listening to another riveting episode of Tales from Smegmar9. I'm your host, mike the Magnificent, with my co-hosts Matt Hi, doug, hello, and Jason, I uh. Okay, say hi guys. You just did that.
Speaker 2:Hi. Are these mics on? Is this thing on?
Speaker 3:I don't know squid word.
Speaker 2:You tell me spongebob what are you two idiots doing?
Speaker 1:do humans always talk into small metal tubes? Is this a communication device or a snack?
Speaker 4:I think it's both. But seriously, what's up with the metal tubes? What's up with the metal?
Speaker 3:tubes. It's better. All right, let's dive straight into the topics. Today's topic Human holidays. Apparently, humans have this thing called april fool's day.
Speaker 4:It's like a galactic day of pranking, oh pranking like is it when you pretend to eat your co-pilot's tentacles as a joke?
Speaker 1:are you straight from simpsons, are you?
Speaker 3:straight from the Simpsons. Oh no, I don't know why I made him Australian there. It works. Oh no, exactly, jason, but get this. Humans also celebrate birthdays. It's like every year. They mark the anniversary of their emergence from the birthing caves. Birthing caves Do they hatch from eggs like we do?
Speaker 1:No, no. They emerge from these squishy pod things after a long incubation period.
Speaker 3:And they give each other gifts. Imagine that, Doug. What if we started giving each other chunks of asteroid for our hatch days? Oh, can I have a?
Speaker 4:big one. Hey, hey, remember the conspiracy theory Mike was babbling about earlier. Mike, tell our listeners about your theory involving Shmagmar 7 and 9-11.
Speaker 3:Oh right, listen up folks. So Shmagmar 7 has always been jealous of Shmagmar 9's lush atmosphere and abundant resources right. I've been reading these ancient scrolls that say the Smegmarians on Smegmar7 secretly orchestrated the entire 9-11 incident to distract us from their plans to steal our methanol.
Speaker 2:Mike, those ancient scrolls were written by a disgruntled janitor. He thought his mop was talking to him.
Speaker 3:Fake news Matt the truth is out there lurking in the nebulous realms of conspiracy.
Speaker 1:But Mike isn't Smegmar 7 like light years away from Earth. How could they possibly-. Shhh.
Speaker 3:Doug, shut the fuck up, don't interrupt my flow. Anyway, back to human holidays. Did you know they have a day dedicated to consuming excessive quantities of fermented fruit juice and staring at explosions in the sky?
Speaker 4:Whoa, that sounds like a party. Why don't we celebrate that here on Shmagmar 9?
Speaker 2:Because we don't have fruit juice or sky explosions.
Speaker 1:But we do have volcanic eruptions close enough.
Speaker 3:Guys, what if human holidays are just an elaborate scheme to distract them from the fact that they're actually living on a giant terrarium and we're the ones running the show?
Speaker 4:So are we their pets, or are they?
Speaker 2:our pets. Wait, are we talking about humans or us?
Speaker 3:Who knows, Matt? That's the beauty of it all. We're just here to entertain and confuse.
Speaker 4:Speaking of confusion. Did you hear about the humans who?
Speaker 3:tried to communicate with dolphins by sticking sea shanties. Yeah, they should stick to talking into metal tubes.
Speaker 1:It's way less confusing.
Speaker 3:Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time on Tales from Smegmar 9, as we explore the mysteries of human fashion. Why do they wear clothes when we can all see their exoskeletons?
Speaker 2:Maybe they're hiding snacks in there.
Speaker 4:Wait, they're edible.
Speaker 1:Tune in next time to find out. Until then, keep your antenna tuned and your spaceship engines revving.
Speaker 3:Cosmic sense melody.
Speaker 4:Oh. I think, that might have been the first one that had no reference to slurring from drunk, from just overindulgence of alcohol or surgery.
Speaker 1:I thought we were getting there. When they said the fermented fruit juice, I was like, oh shit, there it is.
Speaker 4:I'm about to come out.
Speaker 2:There is one we skipped over, where I changed you to being a junkie instead and you inject space asteroids.
Speaker 3:Look at that 9-11 was able to pop up somehow. I love that for us.
Speaker 4:I'm happy that we can give you a creative outlet for your real feelings.
Speaker 3:It brings joy to my heart.
Speaker 4:Say it's therapy.
Speaker 1:It's cathartic as shit.
Speaker 4:Therapy Is Finley satisfied, I would say so, I haven't heard from him.
Speaker 3:I don't hear him. We've given Finley a lot of options to work with tonight.
Speaker 2:A lot to think about. A lot to think about.
Speaker 3:I would not be surprised if he pulls his producer money out and we go bankrupt.
Speaker 2:Our venture capital is gone.
Speaker 3:Yeah, tune in next week when Deluti files for Chapter 11.
Speaker 4:We'll walk you through that process.
Speaker 3:Can we make a tax issue, a tax write-off?
Speaker 2:This is a personal finance podcast now.
Speaker 4:It's just going to be an offspin of how it's made and it just says bankruptcy.
Speaker 3:And don't forget everyone. Patreoncom slash dilutypod. We need your money now more than ever.
Speaker 4:Please cash only.
Speaker 3:We got to keep it liquid people. That was very fun, that was so much fun.
Speaker 1:That was pretty silly.
Speaker 3:I hope it was fun for the listener and we didn't have people just tune on halfway through going.
Speaker 4:Oh, there's going to be tons of those, but guess what Don't fucking care.
Speaker 3:Good, you know what. I want you to give a thumbs down on this then Thumbs down One star we can't be affording. Don't do that actually. Another ten point. We've been at 4.7 forever now oh for the 5 star. Please give us 5 stars speaking of 5 stars. You can find us on things like deludycom. That's always a fun place to go.
Speaker 4:You can find us on our socials smegbar9.com beefpinocchiocom.
Speaker 3:Was that what it wasPinocchiocom? Was that what it was BeefPinocchiocom what he bought? That?
Speaker 1:months ago. Why? I don't know if I did it right. Is there a hyphen?
Speaker 4:I don't know, if it actually links to Deletecom, but we do own the domain name BeefPinocchiocom.
Speaker 3:It was from an episode we did a while ago. No, you never linked it.
Speaker 1:I didn't. I really am upset that. I just typed that into my browser.
Speaker 3:But, Doug, you are muted, my boy I've started an existential crisis here. I cannot hear what you're saying, pal.
Speaker 2:No, Beef Pinocchio doesn't go anywhere.
Speaker 4:Okay, then I didn't do it right.
Speaker 3:And you're not muted on my end, doug.
Speaker 4:So that's a you problem, sonny. Shut the fuck up, mark. If you want to do anything.
Speaker 1:I think I clicked Social medias.
Speaker 3:don't look under the internet or DeloodyPod anywhere. Check us out on All Things Fun. You can go to our YouTube, or don't look under the internet. There as well, Doug's going to keep trying and keep failing to talk. You can also listen in on Spotify anywhere that you find your podcasts.
Speaker 1:And if you do, just give us five stars, that'd be super swell, we'd appreciate it.
Speaker 3:You can go to our. Patreon patreoncom slash dilutypod, or you become a member on our website. Again, that's dilutycom, and if you want links to everything if you want to find us everywhere you could hear Doug chime in for a second and then disappear again and come.
Speaker 3:There you go and then come and then disappear again, come and come. I wonder how long it's been off. Um, you made it doug right for the end the end. I'm so proud of you, uh. But if you want not too long, you can find a very good question links to everything. If you just go to our link, treecom, slash, deludipod, you'll find everything there that's needed. I want you all to just go to chat GPT and type in what would happen if I kissed a stranger's dad and just see what the result is and post it in the comments on the YouTube channel, please and thank you, jason. You got anything for the people, the beautiful people, no, okay.
Speaker 3:Stay paranoid, stay spooky, stay stupid.
Speaker 4:Stay spooky, stay stupid, stupid and apparently paranoid uh, you got anything for people?
Speaker 3:yeah, I don't know I? I have a noose waiting in the wings and some expired antidepressants calling make sure you reach out to your friends.
Speaker 4:Yeah, make sure your friends are doing okay. Matt, are you doing? Okay? How you doing over there bud, I'm great.
Speaker 3:Well, he's got a nuisance of expired antidepressants. Slap your beans Doug, what do you?
Speaker 1:got for the people. Chlamydia, Rattle your beans please.
Speaker 3:Rattle your beans, goodbye.
Speaker 1:I said we're done.
Speaker 4:The bean rattler is here, oh no.
Speaker 3:Bye, everybody, I love you.
Speaker 4:Bye. Broadcast aliens Making a broadcast. Aliens From Sledmar 9. Tales from Sledmar 9. Tales from Sledmar 9. Tales to tickle your mind. Tales from Sledmar 9.
