Don't Look Under the Internet
Don't Look Under the Internet
Bonus - A million dollars...but
Matt, Mike and Doug play a game.
If I Had a MillionGil Abrams is a religious man, and not getting any younger. But after watching his...
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Don't Look Under The Internet
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Don't look under the internet after dark my, I found out.
Speaker 2:well, I didn't just find this out, but uh, my, uh, my tism is, and I think I mentioned this to you guys before too. I have a near perfect accuracy whenever any movie has come out Ever.
Speaker 3:I'm pretty damn good at guessing when a movie came out. How large is the collection of movies? You know when it came out, though.
Speaker 2:Well, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. I'll just guess.
Speaker 1:If you just say a movie, there's a good chance that you're going to guess it when it came out.
Speaker 2:As long as I know the movie you can't be like. What about Hillbilly Bumshack? I haven't heard of it, so I don't fucking know If it's a movie I've heard of Sounds like a porno not a movie no, not a movie, hillbilly bum.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna do the same thing with video games so I get it.
Speaker 1:No, no, I'm good um, anyway, wow fun, wow. So the topic today is a thing that mike and I have done a couple of times on various forms of podcasts. Um, and it is something that was stolen from another podcast and actually I don't remember what podcast it's from at this point. I think it is something that was stolen from another podcast and actually I don't remember what podcast it's from at this point. I think it was something that was. I think it was a Rooster Teeth thing, maybe the Rooster Teeth podcast, but they don't exist anymore, so fuck them.
Speaker 2:Their ideas are our ideas now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's in a spreadsheet and it's called A Million Dollars, but and so, basically, how this works is I read out a hypothetical scenario, and this is a hypothetical scenario that you then have to live with for the rest of your life. But in exchange, you may be getting either two million dollars, a million dollars, three million dollars or nothing $3 million or nothing. So you have to be, you have to hear this hypothetical situation and then decide whether you're willing to take the gamble that you will get one of those amounts of money in return.
Speaker 3:Okay so.
Speaker 1:And then I'll tell you how much money it was, and then I'm going to total up you and Mike at the end and we'll see who won the most money by willing to do awful things to them.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're not going to play it.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, I will. We've done that in the past. I've got to cover up the amounts.
Speaker 2:Just put a piece of paper on that side of the monitor. You know, do it these days.
Speaker 1:Put your hand up. Okay, I'm already blind in one of them there you go.
Speaker 3:Oh, one eye, one out with it, oh me I just had lisa watch that movie for the first time goonies, and like I haven't watched it in fucking years I love goonies. It used to be my like stay stay-home-from-school sick movie. It was my sister's too. She owns on DVD.
Speaker 2:She said the same thing Last time I saw it was when our park district would do like movies. At the park you could just go for free and just watch a fucking movie.
Speaker 1:Cool, okay, so Neat. I Okay Neat, I'm happy for you Our first hypothetical situation and again you have an equal chance of getting $3 million, $2 million, $1 million or nothing. Every time you have a very important decision, you have to act it out to other people as a mime. So basically, anytime you're trying to make an important decision, you have to mime it.
Speaker 3:Oh, we're starting. This is the situation. Yeah, gotcha this is the situation. Yeah, I mean, that seems not terribly bad, because I fucking talk with my hands as it is.
Speaker 1:This is for the rest of your life. You can't talk, though that's the thing I think, the downside of this is you can't get feedback by talking with someone. Every time you have to make an important decision, you have to act it out to other people as a mime. So basically, you can't talk through important decisions with other people If you are like, hey, you want to have a baby. You can't be like, hey, let's discuss that you gotta be.
Speaker 3:like let's discuss that you gotta be like yeah, no, no, this, this might, this might come in handy. You can be like I'm really I'm trying to have this conversation with you, but I cannot tell you what I'm thinking I, I can only see this you could just shut people down, like not right now, it's just too much.
Speaker 2:I can only see this going bad, especially if you're trying to like refinance a mortgage or right, or like imagine, trying to like, imagine being at an auction. You can't, you just raise your hand. Oh, that's right. Yeah, actually, that worked out pretty well for you, never mind. Oh well, I don't know. I don't know. I think that one is too not worth it. I need to talk. Yeah, I'm okay with it.
Speaker 1:Can you even explain the situation to people before it starts happening, like if? Can you even explain the situation to people before it starts happening, if you just end up in a situation where you suddenly have to make an important decision with somebody else and they don't know that this is a thing?
Speaker 2:What if you're over the phone as well? What if you're having to make a decision?
Speaker 1:about your 401k.
Speaker 2:You're not going to go see an actual person, you're talking on the phone.
Speaker 1:In the age of emails and zoom calls. It's possible, yeah, but what if somebody calls you and there's like there's an important? Decision you need to make right this second I mean, you can't really do anything about that if it's over the phone or if it's like, they're like, hey, you'd be like yeah, what if they're like, hey, should we pull your wife off of life support?
Speaker 3:I mean you can shake your head, yes or no to that one, I think no, no.
Speaker 1:I'm saying like, what if this is over the phone? What if it has to be over the phone because you can't be there? For?
Speaker 3:some.
Speaker 1:Well then they probably wouldn't take her off of life support if you didn't say anything on the phone what if you're in jail and you are the only person who can make the decision about whether or not you should take your wife out with life support? I'd be like and they have to call you.
Speaker 3:Well, you can't make the decision right, you can only gesture it. Could you be like? You have to come and see me, Because that's not making the decision. I don't know.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of. We're only on question one. I'm going to say no.
Speaker 3:I'm going to go with. Yes, I have too many retorts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, this is terrible. I'm not doing this one.
Speaker 2:Let's see how much money.
Speaker 1:Doug got I want money I want money, I want money. Alright, Doug got $3 million.
Speaker 2:Hey, retire, I'm done, I'm done. Retire.
Speaker 1:We're out Florida, I'm done, I'm done retire we're out Florida, here we go, alright, alright, alright. So you get the money that you Receive from the. This is the situation you get the money that you receive, but you aren't allowed to spend it as you. You are given a second identity and you can only use the money when you are assuming that identity.
Speaker 2:That's fine. Yeah, why? How does that affect?
Speaker 3:me at all. I think this needs more clarification.
Speaker 1:You wouldn't be able to. Hi, I'm John Smith.
Speaker 2:Now I'm going to Zell myself $3 million or Zell Michael Allen $3 million Done.
Speaker 1:I was going to say you wouldn't be able to take ownership of anything, you wouldn't be able to buy a house, and then you own that house, but the other you would. What is to keep the other you from just gifting it?
Speaker 2:Exactly. Yeah, this is a no-brainer.
Speaker 1:Yes, because you can gift anything you want Hi other me.
Speaker 2:I'm writing Michael a check for $4 million. Here you go. That's the only action you need to do.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can gift cars and stuff too yeah this is yeah that's fine.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean this one's pretty no-brainer. I don't see a downside to this.
Speaker 1:Actually, that's great, because people don't even won't know I have money then.
Speaker 2:How much should we all get off of that bad boy? A million dollars, I'll take it. That's the easiest million dollars I think I've ever come across. I could spend that so quick. You at home listening play along with us.
Speaker 3:Comment your choice in the comments section, and then we'll flame you about it.
Speaker 1:Every single time you meet someone new, you have to hug them for 30 seconds.
Speaker 3:I'm good. I hate touching people.
Speaker 2:Honestly, I'll do it. 30 seconds is a long hug.
Speaker 1:That is a long hug. I will do it.
Speaker 2:I don't meet that many new people. I don't even know if I'd want to do it for 20 seconds. What are we constituting meeting? If I just accidentally bump into someone On the street and I'm like, oh sorry, do I have to hug them?
Speaker 1:or is it like Hi, I'm so, and so I think there has to be a formal introduction. You have to learn their name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll do it. See me at the fucking Kentucky Derby, hugging people yeah, I'm, I'm out on that one.
Speaker 1:I don't, I don't want to do that you can even explain it away as, like I don't know this is.
Speaker 2:I'm legally obligated to do this sorry region of.
Speaker 1:Canada or something I don't know. Okay, yeah, I'd do this, doug wouldn't do it. I'm out.
Speaker 2:A mill, a millie easiest mill, especially like I mean, maybe not for you guys this works, but for me. I just give off that kind of vibe where oh, I need a hug no, it's a hug. I'm a hugger and I think people read that from me and I think they see that I'm an innocent Boy because I look like.
Speaker 1:I'm not a dangerous looking person, so they're like oh, he wants a hug cool.
Speaker 2:I'm not a man.
Speaker 3:I'm a boy. I'm a boy.
Speaker 1:Every time you go to bed and you wake up. You wake up in a womb as an adult, naked, and you have to bed and you wake up. You wake up in a womb as an adult, naked, and you have to relive birth Every time you wake up. Is this so? You have to be born every morning, except you are adult size.
Speaker 2:That seems so tedious. Yeah, but Are you falling asleep in the womb or are you being transported in it? Because I won't lie if I fall asleep in that womb, probably very comfortable because you're just floating in liquid and it's probably very warm. It probably is very warm and very nice.
Speaker 1:It says every time you go to bed you wake up in a womb. So I'm assuming you fall asleep in your bed and then you wake up magically inside a womb.
Speaker 3:Is it? Well? I guess there's. I have a couple questions that I don't know if we have the answer to. Is it painful, or is it just you slip and slide?
Speaker 2:right out. Am I coming right out of my mother again? Or is it just a giant womb appears in my bed and I just kind of have to fight through it? Yeah, that's the thing.
Speaker 1:Is this like an actual normal-sized woman, where this is definitely going to kill you?
Speaker 3:You kill a lady every morning, or do you come out of a?
Speaker 2:bed-sized womb and then a giant doctor smacks you on the ass and sends you on your way, like some sort of fever dream.
Speaker 3:Do I have a new room where all the slopping?
Speaker 1:Bandage-real nightmare is what that is. Is there a new?
Speaker 3:room in my house that accounts for all the slopping gook that comes out when I'm rebirthed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or do you have to be cleaning placenta out of your fucking bedroom?
Speaker 2:I'm going to go with no because this is really going to harsh some intimacy in the bedroom with my wife.
Speaker 3:Can you imagine going on like a first date with someone and you just fall asleep in their bed and they just wake up somewhere in their house and you're like oh fuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't stay the night anywhere because they're going to wonder where you just vanished to. I need to know where that teleports you to, because what if you're on vacation? I'm going to say you don't get teleported. A womb develops around you where you are and it just fucking.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, which is like a weird group, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm going to assume that because if you do get teleported- and it's not even attached to a woman. It's just a floating womb. It just comes out of you and forms around you like some fucking. What's his name? Hr Giger? Horror nonsense. What's the guy that directed the Fly? Cronenberg, some Cronenbergian shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm going to say no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think I can.
Speaker 3:No, it's just too much. I want the money regardless, but I don't think no, there's this it's just too much. Like I, I want the money regardless, but like I don't know about that one, that's that's you already have like four mil, I know, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're good, I know and like I fall asleep a lot, like I'm I don't be just I'm oh, my god I'm having micro naps at night with. I have a kid I like. What if you fall asleep on the train? Fuck.
Speaker 2:Imagine watching that Some guy falls asleep on the train and a fucking womb just envelops, looking like Mothra's cocoon or something.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you get a lot of great party trick yeah.
Speaker 1:Well and I. So just leave me alone for five minutes, You'll see the craziest shit, you've ever seen.
Speaker 2:You won't you won't see a womb. This is extra bad for me because every weekend I take a nap, because when Amelia goes down for her nap, I take a nap. So this would be happening to me minimum twice a day, nah.
Speaker 1:In a standard night I wake up a couple times and go pee. That means I gotta wake up at 2am and be pee Same. So that means I got to wake up at 2 am, be born, pee, go to sleep, wake up again at like 7, pee, be born, pee. And then I usually like from like 7 to 7.30,. I just like because I set my alarm for 7, but I'm like I don't got to be up till 7.30, so I'll lay back down. Yeah, this is too.
Speaker 3:It's way too much. It's too much. Imagine having to be birthed like three times in the morning. You're like I'm gonna hit the snooze real quick. And you're like, oh okay, well, let me get back into bed real quick.
Speaker 2:Imagine experiencing that and be like I still got a couple hours exactly.
Speaker 3:I'm not doing anything, you don't know the time you're like.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I need to be born, if I can just wait this out.
Speaker 2:No, I'm going to say no on this one. Yeah, no, it's a no. How much money did we lose? Three mil, it seems like a three mil question.
Speaker 1:oh, good job, not even worth there's no way that would have been worth alright. Once a month for a 24 hour period of time. You are at the top of the FBI's most wanted list. You don't know the day, but you are given a 3 hour advance notice and you just have to avoid the I'd do this one. This actually kind of sounds fun you have to avoid the FBI for a day, and then I guess they forget.
Speaker 2:Easy. What are we talking about again? Midnight Strikes are just like. What are we doing here? Why are we in Illinois?
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, fuck it. I'd do it. I think that'd be an exhilarating way to live your life once a month. What happens if they catch you? Because then exhilarating way to live your life once a month.
Speaker 2:What happens if they catch you? They just forget for a month. You're in jail and they're like who are you? Why are you here? I don't know. Remember, this is the FBI. For a day, you really can't do anything. That's a day a month. It's random as well, which sucks. It's the FBI. They'll be tracking your phone. They'll be using like Well, yeah, you just leave your you leave everything at home you don't know when it's going to happen though, but you get three hours.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, oh, that's true. So this, this kind of affects the rest of your life, though, because you are going to have to make sure that you stay in situations that you can get yourself out of in three hours which I don't think would be that hard.
Speaker 2:I think what you'd want to establish is a good like a very secluded, hidden bunker, that is, that you no one else knows about except you and you'd want to just like what if you're more than three hours away from it? Just don't be three hours away I don't go there.
Speaker 1:I don't want. I don't want to stay within three hours of one single location for my entire life. I don't do that a month as it is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that would suck. It would be like a full-blown lifestyle change, because unless you're going purge status and build a fortress bunker on your house or something that you can just be like, oh well, try to get in suckers Imagine being out to dinner and all of a sudden you just get this text where it's like yeah, three hours, do you just like smash your phone and just run off into the wilderness?
Speaker 1:you just throw your steak the thing is, I do question how difficult it really is to evade the FBI for one day there's people that are on the FBI's most wanted list for a long time and they're just out living. You know what I'm saying like right, like you, basically just don't go out in public, don't be home and don't have your cell phone on.
Speaker 3:Do you think I'll be put on a list if I? Pull it off for 24 hours if I google how to avoid the FBI, you think I'm going to be put on a list you google that you're going to get a 30-hour timer.
Speaker 1:Use NordVPN.
Speaker 3:Not a sponsor For the rest of my life.
Speaker 2:I couldn't do this. That's just going to affect my life way too much. I can't do that one.
Speaker 1:I think it sounds fun still.
Speaker 2:You say that until you're 70 having to do this shit. And for what? A mil, nah, I'm good.
Speaker 1:I having to do this shit, and for what? A mill, nah, I'm good. Yeah, that's the thing. It depends on how much money this is. I don't think a million dollars is going to be worth having to do this for the rest of my life. You could use that mill to invest in whatever bunker or hideaway plan, but then I'm just net negative and now I have no money and now I have to deal with this. True.
Speaker 3:So let's say you get three million, you'd have to, like buy a few houses in like different places so that you wouldn't have to be three hours away from like. You'd have to be three hours away from one of them, obviously, but like you know, you could have your, your summer house and your whatever, whatever you know, if you own the houses and the fbi knows you own the houses, you can't go out, but you gotta fortify them.
Speaker 1:That's exactly where you don't want to be and you need to so you're just gonna sit out and like hope that they can't break through your defenses?
Speaker 3:question am I allowed to like? I feel like that's a fight. The police on this one like. Can I like?
Speaker 1:oh, yeah, if you, if you murder a cop like shoot a cop or they forget it at midnight.
Speaker 3:You just mow down, they're gonna forget it at midnight and then you're just gonna have like 20 dead cops on your lawn and they're gonna be like what happened to?
Speaker 1:Jerry.
Speaker 2:Like I don't know, he died over there, I haven't seen him in like two days.
Speaker 1:Crazy party.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna say no, I think I'm gonna say no as well.
Speaker 2:3-0 yeah, that sounds right the only thing that I could I would imagine doing. I don't really go 3 hours out that often anyway, I would probably end up using a good mill of it or something to like cut a hole in my basement somewhere like underneath the sofa, and I would just make a tiny little bunker and be like Lori, I'll see you in a day and I'll just hang out down there. Even if they raid my home, what are the odds they're going to find it?
Speaker 3:I don't know. I'm sure there's a Mr Beast video about that.
Speaker 2:He does bury himself alive for a week or some shit.
Speaker 3:I think there's legitimately an episode where he's running from an FBI agent. So we missed out on 3 mil Damn.
Speaker 1:We missed out on Mr Beast, I don't know. Knowing that it's $3 million, I'm a little tempted. Too late now. Hey, it is too late now. Okay, your arms are replaced by puppet arms, like.
Speaker 3:Muppet cloth arms Like that are controlled by the little sticks.
Speaker 1:Do I still have, but I don't know who's controlling.
Speaker 2:Would I still have full functionality anyway? Like, would I still be able to grab things, cause Muppets grab things? Do I have a grip?
Speaker 3:at all. Can you control them? Can I do?
Speaker 2:this? Can you control them, or is?
Speaker 1:somebody do this. Can you control them? Or is somebody else pulling the?
Speaker 3:strings Is this for life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is for life. I'm saying no, I don't care If.
Speaker 2:I can control them and I still have maneuverability.
Speaker 3:I'm in. I feel like that's.
Speaker 2:The shtick, though, is that you don't I thought the shtick would be just the fact that they look funny.
Speaker 3:Well, if that's the case, then you take the money. If you the puppet arms are the same as my arms just felt, then I'd do it. If there's no functionality, then no, I wouldn't do it. I just straight up imagine like your arms.
Speaker 1:I'm imagining them just like hanging.
Speaker 2:I imagine your arms get swapped with, like Kermit the Frog's arms. That's what I'm picturing and I'm okay with that. I would accept that. I would take it Again if I can, if Like green and everything. If I have functionality to the arms, I'm doing it. I'll take it Nope, Are we no? So for my, for my answer, are we saying that you keep functionality or is some? I don't know? There's no omnipotent being controlling you with the sticks underneath.
Speaker 1:Cause it. I'm going to say you keep functionality, but they move stupid Like oh yeah, I'm in a hundred percent, I'm in.
Speaker 3:That's hilarious yeah no, I guess I'm in then, if that's the case, as long as I still have functionality that's hilarious.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing this. How much did I win? Show me.
Speaker 3:Zero dollars.
Speaker 2:Hey Wow, douglas, the frog here.
Speaker 1:It would make sex terrible.
Speaker 3:You just, or maybe it would just make it funny, I'm coming, wow, hey, I'm coming.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna spoot.
Speaker 1:You know what.
Speaker 2:You talk me into the funniest part is we never establish that your voice changes. But I feel like no, you would just do it Because yeah 100%.
Speaker 1:You gotta match the aesthetic. This is your personality now For the rest of your life. Anytime you go to the bathroom, it's live streamed. So basically, dr, disrespect.
Speaker 2:Is that what happened with him?
Speaker 1:Not the most recent thing. That was the first time he was suspended. He's like, the most recent thing Is he got caught DMing Minors Sexual stuff. Call of Duty out here.
Speaker 3:I saw his big long post On TikTok.
Speaker 1:Where he was like yeah, exactly what it was.
Speaker 3:Were there things said yeah, there was. Am I a pedophile? Nope, I'm not.
Speaker 2:I have no idea who this man is, but he looks stupid. It's probably for the best that you keep it. It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Anyway you got a live stream. You go into the bathroom. I'll fucking do this. I don't care, I'd do this for like 50 bucks.
Speaker 3:I'll give a shit.
Speaker 2:Honestly, fuck it, I would do it too. I'll sell tickets to the lights. Not only that, but it doesn't constitute saying I can't put a little mini wall up over my crotchal area. It never says that.
Speaker 1:So I'm fucking in. I wouldn't even do that. I don't fucking care.
Speaker 3:I'll beat off while I'm taking a shit and you can watch. Let's go.
Speaker 1:If you want to watch me take a pee, that's on you.
Speaker 2:And pay me for it.
Speaker 3:I know, why you're here, then we are starting an OnlyFans. Is that what I'm hearing? I'm in.
Speaker 1:I'd do it. It's just videos of me peeing.
Speaker 3:Me just blasting shits all the time.
Speaker 1:I'd do it for money. So we're all doing it. A million dollars, that's worth it.
Speaker 3:A million dollars. Everybody gets to see how many times I shit in a day.
Speaker 1:Everyone's happy in this situation If you're tuning in and it says it's live streamed, it doesn't say that anyone's forced to watch it.
Speaker 3:So the people who are choosing to watch this live stream want to see you go to the bathroom your mom has to watch it or like every time you shit it was in front of a live audience or something like a full live audience, like with a laugh track. I would probably every time you fart, the laugh track goes off and you're like yeah, I might actually. Where can I get this? Every time you fart, the laugh track goes off and you're like yeah, I might actually eat myself. Where can I get this?
Speaker 1:You have a knife attached to your hand at all times. Actually, this has machete, so you have a machete just attached to your hand.
Speaker 3:Like Edward Forty hands, but they taped a fucking machete to your hand.
Speaker 1:I'm assuming that this is like a machete and the handle has been duct taped around your hand.
Speaker 3:I'm assuming that this is like a machete and like the handle has been like duct taped around your arm.
Speaker 2:Some guns akimbo.
Speaker 3:Oh, my god, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say no, no, because this is going to make holding my child way more complicated.
Speaker 1:I haven't thought about Edward Fortyhands.
Speaker 3:I haven't played Edward Fortyhands since I was like I drink so much.
Speaker 2:They call me Edward Fortyhands. I've never played this, I know it, but I've never played it, don't you think?
Speaker 3:Hollywood Undead? Yeah, no, I don't think I'm good on this one. There's too many things that can go wrong with anyone that I am close with in my life, just being around other people, being around myself. I sleep like a jackass, so like.
Speaker 1:Just rolling around in your sleep? And what about if you have to go through security?
Speaker 3:Oh, you can't fly ever. Yeah, you couldn't do almost anything. This is a hard, no, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm saying no, no, no.
Speaker 2:TSA agent. You don't understand. I got a million dollars for this.
Speaker 3:I have to do this. I for sure ain't getting into Disney with a machete hand.
Speaker 2:Just disguise it with a foam finger or something.
Speaker 1:It was a million who's making the money? The monetary decisions for these from now on for the rest of your life. You are the world's biggest Justin Bieber fan yeah, fine, whatever, sure he makes fine music.
Speaker 3:I feel like I'd be enjoying it, whatever, if you all of a sudden became his biggest like I'd be enjoying it whatever, if you all of a sudden became his biggest fan, you'd be like fuck yeah.
Speaker 1:I just got money all of a sudden, you wouldn't care, I feel like why wasn't I doing this before, exactly? A million dollars fine, whatever.
Speaker 3:Or is anybody keeping tab if Justin?
Speaker 1:Bieber wants to pay me a million. If Justin Bieber wants to pay me a million dollars, yeah fine, whatever. Or is anybody keeping tabs? If Justin Bieber wants to pay me a million? If Justin Bieber wants to pay me a million dollars To pretend to be his biggest fan, I would do it.
Speaker 3:I like how this portrays that this is so bad of a thing that you have to be paid millions of dollars To do it. Just to be a fan of an artist. What does that say about Justin Bieber, his wife's pregnant Preganinan?
Speaker 1:He's married. He sure is. Un pregunta Can I be preganinan? You have an evil twin. He looks exactly like you and people think you're him. His only goal, though, is to fuck you over. He's going to fuck your girlfriend and fuck up your work.
Speaker 3:It specifically says that he's going to fuck your girlfriend.
Speaker 2:Big old no on this guy. Can I kill him? Am I allowed?
Speaker 1:to kill him. That's fair. Do people know? Does he have his own identity?
Speaker 2:Yeah, is his name like fucking Rob.
Speaker 1:Well, it says people think you're him, so it seems like You've been usurped Like your own identity has been taken from you.
Speaker 2:The crown has been stolen.
Speaker 3:Well, if we think, about the classic trope Of an evil twin. Usually it's someone that looks like you, who is evil?
Speaker 2:That nobody rooftop, that nobody knows Going? I'm the real one. I'm the real one. And then they're like ask me something.
Speaker 3:Yeah, ask me something, only I would know.
Speaker 2:And then they trick them.
Speaker 3:Um, but yeah. So usually in these situations an evil twin connotates that everybody knows you and doesn't know that you have an evil twin.
Speaker 1:I think you are the evil twin in this situation, except you are the good twin.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's been fucking up for a while and you're trying to make it better.
Speaker 1:You can't establish your own identity is what it makes it seem like.
Speaker 2:You're trying to steal his identity and make it better. Is that what I'm getting?
Speaker 1:I guess that's kind of the way this is worded.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go with. No, that's too exhausting. Yeah, I already hate. Plus, it says, like you said in the beginning, it sounds like you don't have the identity. It sounds like he has the identity, but then it mentions that he's fucking my girlfriend.
Speaker 3:And my job.
Speaker 2:So, I do have an identity.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, you have these things and they're yours, otherwise it would just be his girlfriend. Well, that's what.
Speaker 3:I'm saying that's why I think people don't realize that you have an evil twin. So he's kind of fucking you up, yeah, in your dailies.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go with. No, that's too exhausting.
Speaker 3:Especially like it just depends no, if I can't murder them, yes, if I can. If I can fight my evil twin. We've got to come up with a code word.
Speaker 1:What do you think the fallout is when the police find a dead body that is you, but you're still alive. How do you think that goes?
Speaker 3:I'd be like I don't know. He spooked me. Never seen this man in my life, I mean. But like what do?
Speaker 1:they do. Can they charge you for murder for someone who doesn't have their own identity?
Speaker 2:yes, I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess, I guess they would just make the assumption that they were a hidden identical twin and you killed them like a crime of passion, sort of thing like we two people have been living as one person our entire lives, which is interesting.
Speaker 2:Very symbiotic. I don't know if anybody's ever done that.
Speaker 1:I feel like that doesn't matter. We're getting way off track.
Speaker 2:Are we doing this?
Speaker 1:I think nobody was agreeing to this right, yeah, no. Two million dollars, yeah, no, just based on. I have one single person who's spending their entire existence trying to ruin my life.
Speaker 3:I already have one of those, so same for the next 5 years.
Speaker 1:Any movie only stars people that you know. That'd be funny.
Speaker 3:I was disassociating. What happened For the next five years? Any movie only stars people that you know. Sure, That'd be funny. I was disassociating.
Speaker 1:What happened?
Speaker 2:For the next five years, every movie that comes out only stars people that you know. It didn't say TV shows, so I'm good yeah 100%.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, I don't really watch movies anyway, and I think this would be hilarious because I don't know anybody who's good at it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's fine. This would be hilarious, because I don't know anybody who's good at it.
Speaker 2:You haven't seen me act. Actually you have. I take that back.
Speaker 1:Shit, I'm bad. Why is the water blue?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'll take that, me thinking about Matt falling face first into a tub again.
Speaker 2:Who did that? That was in camera. That wasn't CG.
Speaker 1:Ladies and gentlemen, yeah, we don't have that every time you fart spontaneously, an entire parade shows up to celebrate your fart holy shit, that would I.
Speaker 3:I that'd be funny. Yeah, I'm in, it'd be funny, but I fart. I would be so annoyed all the time. I'd just be like I'd be in bed and then I'd like you know, and then fucking.
Speaker 1:And you'd be like son of a fuck. Do they come into your house or whatever building you're in?
Speaker 2:Are they outside and you just hear them.
Speaker 3:They come out of your butt. You fart them out of your butt, okay.
Speaker 2:I'm just imagining you just sitting in bed and you just fart and you just see the confetti gun go off and the big ol' symbols guy just yeah, fuck it. I could use some adventure like this in my life. That'd be hilarious.
Speaker 3:Nah, I'd be farting too much for this to make sense.
Speaker 1:I think this is everybody else's problem. I'm not. What happens if it's a place that's inaccessible? What if you're in the middle of a transatlantic flight?
Speaker 2:You just murdered a bunch of fucking parade people.
Speaker 1:They just fall out of the sky and drown to death.
Speaker 2:They come out of the bathroom like a clown car.
Speaker 1:There's like 19 band members that come out of this tiny air I almost want to do this just to, just to intentionally fart in different situations and see how the universe what if you farted?
Speaker 3:yeah, what if you like? Fart on a roller coaster you're going down and they just spawn and just drop yeah, I'm doing that 100 no, I'm not because I'd be, just I'd kill myself, but like uh, yeah on the I'm still on the plane.
Speaker 2:One, you fart and they occupy the empty seats that weren't filled in, yet they just pop into it. There's just random band members all over the flight one of the pilots called in sick. There's just one and the co-pilot just becomes A marching band member.
Speaker 3:Great Doing it 3 million dollars. Are we tied now? Is that what's?
Speaker 1:happening, I don't know at this point. 20% of the time when you throw something away, it flies back into your face 20% of the time.
Speaker 2:I remember this one. I think you asked, or I asked last time do I have the ability to react, or is it like instant? Like if I see it coming I'd be like whoa and dodge it, because if it's 20 of the time, like you, you would be able to kind of calculate a little bit like all right, I'm, this is my second thing I'm throwing out, so this is the odds of it about to fly back at me. Let's get ready. You throw it in the trash. You're just like ready for it.
Speaker 3:So where does it come like?
Speaker 2:from behind and front like I imagine it just like rebounds back.
Speaker 3:Like a fucking boomerang.
Speaker 1:I'm imagining, as soon as you let go of it, it launches into your face.
Speaker 3:You can kind of feel it out, you know, kind of open your hand about it Throw backwards and then just grab again real quick.
Speaker 1:But does it then count as a separate try whenever you let go of it again?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I would do this only because there's plenty of loopholes, like, for example, if you eat at home, if I eat at home, hey Lori, can you throw this away for me? Boom, I don't have to worry about it. If I'm going out to eat, I'm not throwing away the food.
Speaker 3:Yes, I'm into it, not throwing away the food I yes.
Speaker 2:I mean, does handing off to someone to throw away also count as throwing away? No, because I'm not throwing it away. I'm not throwing it away. I'm done with the meal. What they do with the plate afterwards is their problem, not mine.
Speaker 1:They could eat the rest hey, laurie, take this and do what you want with it, don't't throw it away.
Speaker 3:I'm going to leave this right here on the counter.
Speaker 1:And if it happens to disappear, that's your choice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm into it. There's plenty of ways to work around this. I could give shit to my child. Hey, throw this away for Dada Gone. And then boom knife in the face.
Speaker 3:Here, throw away this knife.
Speaker 2:my child, Throw away this loaded gun.
Speaker 3:I wouldn't shoot you, it would just clock you in the dome With the fucking gum.
Speaker 2:It comes back to me. She goes to throw it away, boomerangs back, it clocks me in the jaw.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about like there's a lot of situations where I have a bunch of shit that is heavy, like metal stuff, that I have somebody come take away like a junk removal service. So are they going to be driving down the road and then like half that shit's going to come back flying back out of the truck, oh, ooh, and like Ooh, maybe, or again is that somebody else?
Speaker 2:Is it every single little piece of trash counts as one piece or is the whole thing? Like, for example, if I'm throwing away a McDonald's bag and it's got like wrappers in it?
Speaker 3:is each individual wrapper Only the McChicken wrapper is going to come back at you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think I'm out on this one, I'm in Hit me Two million.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay. Some of these next ones I'm starting to recognize.
Speaker 3:Well, we're at about 40 minutes. We'll do a few more.
Speaker 2:A couple, two, three, four, five.
Speaker 1:Here's a group of three that I haven't seen before, so we'll do these real quick For the rest of your, For the rest of your life, when you see an unfinished drink you have to drink it.
Speaker 2:No, that's disgusting. Uh-uh. I'm out Because, like I've been to, I've been to IHOPs before and I've seen the cup, cup of half drink cold coffee sitting there on the table and it's like I that's not what I'm worried about.
Speaker 1:I'm more worried about like you ever walk down the street in like a dirty city and there's just a cup of whatever like yeah, like water bottles with cigarettes put out in them I'm out. Or like I'm out absolutely not. No, this is how you get disease and poison.
Speaker 2:And imagine being at a restaurant. Because a restaurant, people come and go. You see waitstaff taking drinks all the fucking time from tables.
Speaker 1:So the entire time you're trying to enjoy your romantic dinner, you're having to stand up and walk across the table.
Speaker 3:I'm out. I missed it. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:For the rest of your life. When you see an unfinished drink, you have to drink it.
Speaker 3:That's how you get roofied.
Speaker 2:That is how you also get roofied, you're right.
Speaker 1:What if you're at an event and you go to throw your beer can away and you're now standing over a large trash bin of half-empty beer cans? Are you just going to have to sit there for like 45 minutes and just?
Speaker 2:Also imagine you throwing a party and the day the morning after, when you're cleaning up, you have to drink all those.
Speaker 1:You wake up hungover and now you're just pounding all these.
Speaker 2:You're pounding whatever concoction is in front of you.
Speaker 1:No, I'm out. I'm out too Hell, no, not a chance that was a million dollars. Absolutely not worth it. Every day, for the rest of your life, you are haunted by a different historical figure. I'm taking it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think I'd do it too, is it?
Speaker 2:like a scary haunt, or he's just like four scores and seven years ago I think it.
Speaker 1:I think it depends on who it is, you know this is a great play but, one like one, one day you get robin williams, the next is hitler.
Speaker 2:You just you don't know it goes from it goes from robin williams just hey, I was in Aladdin, isn't that funny.
Speaker 1:Oh, look at me, look at me, and then just what would be worse is if people can see the spectre. So you're just like at work and people are like, is that?
Speaker 3:He's not with me, but he is, but I didn't choose this. How often do you?
Speaker 1:say this happens Every single day, no god no, but he is, but I didn't choose this. He's like yeah, yeah, just ignore him. How often do you say this happens?
Speaker 2:Every single day, no, god, no, that's way. Imagine you wouldn't have any time to yourself. Or like, no, fuck, no. If it was like once a week, yeah, but every day, no, I'm out. I don't know, that'd be cool. They can't do anything. They're a goat poltergeist.
Speaker 3:Didn't say a poltergeist.
Speaker 1:Again, it depends on who it is right. I'm gonna say 90% of these people are just gonna be like Chilling, it's just a different roommate, ghostly roommate.
Speaker 2:I guess you could also probably distract them, like if fucking George Washington was haunting you. One day, be like, try this Dorito.
Speaker 3:And they're like holy shit, you'd kill him again. Flavor, blast his ass back to the fucking.
Speaker 1:I think this would be a lot of fun for like the first six months, and then I would get really old.
Speaker 2:Try the skittle, you ain't ever ever had flavor like this boy. I would blast his ass back to hell that's pretty good.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Part of me wants to say yes, I know part of me is like this is the rest of your life especially if you get like a I don't know Part of me wants to say yes, I know Part of me is like this is the rest of your life.
Speaker 3:Especially if you get like a I don't know. There's a lot of different. You know he said poltergeist, so like there's different types of specters, but it'd be really bad if some thing was, like you know, actually terrorizing your mind. It's hard to talk about this with Giggles McGee over here, but I think I'm actually. I probably my heart says yes, but my brain is like, nah, that's not a good idea.
Speaker 1:I would do this for six months. But I'm not going to do it for six months.
Speaker 3:If it was, like he said, a once a week or once a month thing, probably, yeah, that'd be way different.
Speaker 1:Try this.
Speaker 2:Dorito.
Speaker 1:That was two million dollars.
Speaker 2:You just have a bag of Doritos on the ready at all times.
Speaker 3:Hell yeah, you fucking gotta be ready for ghosts, brother.
Speaker 1:For the next five. I'm gonna wait on Mike.
Speaker 3:He over here crying and shit. I can see water on his shirt now.
Speaker 2:This is the way you try this Dorito. Like you're the spokesperson for this Doritos, go ahead, I'm good.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is the last one. For the next five years you have a 24-7 Permanent hype man, but he's very bad at his job.
Speaker 3:Yes, that's hilarious.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that could be free. That's funny, I don't even care.
Speaker 1:You said for the next five years yeah. I Bad in what way? Like instead of. Instead of hyping me up, is he constantly just being like you know he's got this weird Thing.
Speaker 2:Well, if he's hyping you up. I think it's just in like a bad way. Where he's like Maybe he's using the wrong Words. Where like, for example, for me, because I have my child, like I'd be like introduced Someone be like yeah, this is Mike, he loves kids, he's a kid lover.
Speaker 3:It's like I have a daughter. That's what he means. I'm getting like the vibes Like he'd be like someone Like Jeff Probst, where like he's like kind of trying to hype people up but he's really just like kind of like Sort of talking shit about everyone In like a nice way.
Speaker 1:That's kind of what I was thinking like he has a huge dick but he's got herpes, but hey, it's big, he's pumping, but he's losing steam.
Speaker 2:Real quick there. Yeah, I mean I think I'm into it, just because, like, I'm trying to think of like really bad areas where this would really affect you, like a, like a job interview or something it's all right, buddy, this isn't going great, but you're hanging in there and when we say hype man, are we talking like like a rapper hype man, where he's just like it's your boy and he's like screaming and announcing to everybody?
Speaker 2:are you talking like a boxer hype man, where he's just like it's your boy and he's like screaming and announcing to everybody? Are you talking like a boxer hype man where he's like massaging you, whispering in your ear like yeah, you're not gonna get it, but you tried your best and that's what counts?
Speaker 1:you know like I'm imagining like dj cal rapper like the guy yeah, a guy just standing behind you the whole time, just be like yeah, get 100.
Speaker 2:I'm in that's. That's hilarious. I want I'd do that for free. If someone offered to do that for me right now, I wouldn't let them.
Speaker 3:I can't immediately come to terms with.
Speaker 1:Can't immediately come that sucks, he can't come.
Speaker 3:I can't immediately think of anything that would make this the worst thing ever, I guess. So I guess I'd do it.
Speaker 1:It is only five years, it's not the rest of your life.
Speaker 3:So I guess I'd do it. It is only five years. Yeah, it's not the rest of your life. It's a lifestyle change for sure, but it's five years that I'm willing to pay for that much money.
Speaker 2:I'm just imagining having to do everything with this obnoxious person just yelling. Yeah, I'm trying to imagine like you're going to a funeral for a distant relative or something and you're there and then he just kicks in the door. He's like, like it's your boy, mike. He showed up, but he's only here because he felt obligated by the rest of the family yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Speaker 1:I'm saying no, I'm still in it 100%.
Speaker 3:I think I'm gonna be in it too.
Speaker 2:Can I talk to him be like hey, not like that, don't do it Punch him in the throat. Shut up Whenever he comes in. Just Two million dollars. Damn, I'm rich after this. All it cost me was a lot of convenient things in my life.
Speaker 1:Alright.
Speaker 2:What are we looking at, tally-wise?
Speaker 1:I'm working.
Speaker 2:Alright, mr Tally man, tally me banana Come. Have you seen those cyberpunk Memes when it's Keanu Reeves and he's like I thought you would never come and then it just like freezes in? That's the music.
Speaker 3:Have you seen those?
Speaker 2:I don't think so, alright, I'll show you. I fucking love them.
Speaker 1:If my calculations are correct, I'm in last with 10.
Speaker 2:Still good money.
Speaker 1:And in second place is Doug with 12 and Mike takes it with 15.
Speaker 3:Hey, mike's life sucks.
Speaker 2:It does, but I'm here for it.
Speaker 3:But he's got $15 million.
Speaker 2:I'm here for this.
Speaker 3:Oh, fuck, it All right.
Speaker 1:Is that the end of the episode?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Sorry, but that's just like immediately half the things you say, I think of that. I think it's funny, but yeah, that is the episode. Dad, dad, dad, dad, sorry we forgot that part.
Speaker 3:We never also introduced it.
Speaker 2:This was the bonus, as you know.
Speaker 3:You're listening to a bonus.
Speaker 2:Welcome to dad. Goodbye to dad, welcome to really tall podcast.
Speaker 1:We've got to bring Really Tall Podcast back.
Speaker 2:That was great. Yeah, we did All right. Well, thanks for tuning in everybody, and we promise Well, I shouldn't make a promise, but this one will hopefully be out on time.
Speaker 1:I mean, what's time anymore? Right? We had released two episodes this month. We released three this month and the months before.
Speaker 2:We put out three.
Speaker 1:Oh, we did. I think in the descriptions it does say Some amount Of bonus episodes.
Speaker 2:Legally, we are holding up our end of the bargain. That could be none that could be a lot.
Speaker 3:I don't know.
Speaker 2:Thank you everybody for tuning in.
Speaker 1:Really love that um have a nice rest of your day.
Speaker 2:Really love that and hope you played along and you won money. Uh, message us what your sum up, your total, and message us what your total is if you beat my 15 mil. Um, let us know. Send us a message in patreon or uh uh, email or text or whatever, and uh or socials or whatever. That'd be fun. Let us know. Bye, goodbye, goodbye.
Speaker 3:Goodbye.
Speaker 1:Don't look under the internet after dark. Thank you.
