UP 34 - A Million Dollars But... (DLUTI New Year Special)

Happy new year everyone! This week Mike, Matt and Chris play a game.

Chapters

• 0:00 Chaotic New Year Cold Open
• 2:45 Explaining The “Million Dollars, But” Rules
• 6:40 Rule Tweaks And Persuasion Bonuses
• 9:55 Scenario 1: Ninjas When You Spend
• 20:30 Loopholes, Credit Cards, And Self‑Defense
• 28:00 Scenario 2: Bad News In Random Costumes
• 31:30 Scenario 3: Forever Wet Hair
• 34:45 Scenario 4: Daily Chestburster Pain
• 44:30 Scenario 5: Scream On Every 100th Chew

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:14

Welcome to Unplant Potnessy. The only podcast on the internet where a new year means a new Oh, I got nothing this time.

SPEAKER_03: 0:26

A new you would have been the easy place to go.

SPEAKER_00: 0:28

No, but that see I that was the first thing that came to my mind, and that's boring.

SPEAKER_03: 0:33

I'm yeah, because you're gonna be the same old piece of shit you've always been, audience. Take it. You on December 31st is you on January 1st. You can eat a fucking dick. Okay. I'm Matt. He didn't know how to start the episode. I know how to start the episode.

SPEAKER_00: 0:50

I'm Matt. That's Chris. That was Chris. Yeah, that's Chris. And that's Mike.

SPEAKER_05: 0:58

Hey, you have you have such a pretty smile. You should smile more.

SPEAKER_00: 1:02

Anyway, today, with it being the new year and all that shit, I thought, New Year, a new way to live, right? And you know what has a bunch of new ways to live in it? That spreadsheet that we stole from another podcast that we've used several times. So if you haven't listened to one of these episodes before, we've done two potency episodes on it. There's a Diluty Bonus episode where we did it too. Basically, I love these. This thing is called Million Dollars But. So this is lifted from the Rooster Teeth YouTube channel. They do this thing where three people sit down and they bring each individually, they bring a hypothetical situation where they say, You get a million dollars, but you have to deal with this thing. We've done this because we're not making up our own, we changed the rules in previous episodes. The way that I had been doing this was basically I say the hypothetical situation, each person makes their argument for whether they would take this or not. And then I had been awarding the amount of money that the original episode totaled to. I don't like that system. I don't think it makes a lot of sense. And so I'm gonna change the rules this time. So basically, Renegade. What we're gonna do is I'm gonna read off each one of these hypothetical situations, and then it's gonna be a million dollars, but this thing. But here's the catch I'm gonna award a million dollars to each of us if you take it, but you're gonna get an extra million dollars for each person that agrees with you. So if three people say yes to this thing, everybody gets three million dollars. But so so what I'm hoping is gonna happen is we're gonna end up in a situation where you have to make an argument for why you like really state your argument for why you think this is worth someone switching sides.

SPEAKER_05: 3:16

Is is is it only uh only one million dollars, or is there a two and three million again?

SPEAKER_00: 3:20

Uh no, it's with one million dollars. So it basically it's you get a million dollars if you agree to it. If you can get somebody else to agree to it, it's two million. If you if everybody can agree to it, it's three million.

SPEAKER_05: 3:32

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_00: 3:33

All right. Okay, okay. And and you really have to do it.

SPEAKER_05: 3:36

Do I get money? Do I get money if I could persuade someone else to do it and I don't?

SPEAKER_00: 3:42

Oh, that's interesting, raising the sticks. Maybe that be okay. Maybe that does make it more interesting because what I was afraid of with the initial situation was that everybody would just be like, well, it behooves me to agree to this because we all get more money. You really have to put on your devil's advocate head, but if you can convince if you can convince somebody else to switch, even if you don't, a little bit of money.

SPEAKER_05: 4:08

It's like a million dollars, but you have to live in the middle of nowhere for the rest of your life. I'd be like, Well, Matt, you already do that.

unknown: 4:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 4:14

I couldn't do it, but Matt, you already do, and you'll be like, fair point, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_00: 4:17

Yeah. Alright, I'll get I'll give you I'll I'll give a bonus. So yeah. It's a million dollars if you agree, a million dollars for each extra person that agrees, and then if you can convince somebody to switch if you can convince somebody to switch even if you don't agree to it, then you get half.

SPEAKER_01: 4:34

So 500. Alright. Hell yeah. Alright. Does everybody understand the rules? Are you keeping track of money? Yeah, I'm keeping track. Hell yeah. Alright. Alright, I'm in.

SPEAKER_00: 4:48

Fucking do this. I'm pretty sure I remember. I did go back and listen to the part of the old episodes. I'm pretty sure I remember where we left off. So the first one I think we haven't done is whenever you spend any money, any any of the money that you receive. So you get a million dollars, but if you s every time you spend any of that million dollars, there's a one in ten chance that whoever you give the money to turns into a ninja and fights you to the death. So the fight cannot end until one of you is dead.

SPEAKER_05: 5:22

No. A one in ten chance?

SPEAKER_00: 5:25

A one in ten chance. So it's guaranteed to happen multiple times in your life. Well, okay, but here's the here's the thing. If you spend the whole million dollars in a lump sum, then there's only a one in ten chance that that per that whoever you pay that million dollars to is gonna fight you to the death.

SPEAKER_03: 5:43

What million dollars purchase do I have to make?

SPEAKER_00: 5:47

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03: 5:48

Where am I gonna do that?

SPEAKER_01: 5:49

There's lots of stuff you can make a million.

SPEAKER_05: 5:51

How does that work? How does that work with like so like like let's say for example, I go to a grocery st I go to a gas station to buy a bag of chips.

SPEAKER_04: 6:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 6:00

Is the cashier I'm giving the money to going to turn into the ninja, even though I'm giving the money to the company?

SPEAKER_00: 6:06

Is the Yeah, I I'm gonna say that it's just the person that you're tendering the money. Okay, good. The person, the person who is immediately on the other side of the exchange. So if you go to a bank and initiate a wire transfer, whoever you're dealing with the person at the counter at the bank or whoever you're in the the office with or whatever that you're speaking to to initiate the transfer, that that's the person.

SPEAKER_03: 6:31

That's not even spending money, that's just dealing with the money. So now if I like put some in stocks on Robin Hood, my fucking phone's gonna come after me as a like a little phone ninja, a little techno robot kicking me in the nuts?

SPEAKER_05: 6:45

That sounds like I got a notification. It just says hi yeah, and a fist just punches us in the face.

SPEAKER_00: 6:52

Your computer just yeah, transforms into a yeah. If you send a million dollar PayPal to somebody, does your phone become a ninja? No, I think you know what? Eventually, maybe it's the first person who looks at the transaction, right? So I so that could be that could be either the person who receives the transaction if they look at it first, but maybe it's just a PayPal employee.

SPEAKER_03: 7:16

Bunch of finance people are gonna be coming after us as well.

SPEAKER_05: 7:19

I yeah, oh no, it's the finance pros. I would say, you know what? I think I would take it. And here's why. Here's what I would do, here's what you do. So you make an agreement with a person and you say, hey, I need you to set up this bank account for me. Okay. Okay. Once they set up the bank account, you give them all your money, all the million, you give it to one person, there's a 10% chance that that person could turn into a ninja and strike you down. Right? Let's say they don't. Okay. You tell that person, I'll give you a hundred grand, and you put all this into the bank for the rest of the time that I need this money. I need you to take the money out for me and give it to me. Because then you just work with that person.

SPEAKER_00: 8:18

For you personally for you, it's a one-time transaction, and this person has just become the keeper of your money.

SPEAKER_05: 8:23

Yes, they handle your money, but you have to risk that one. That's a loophole. That's a loophole.

SPEAKER_03: 8:28

I would feel like every time you work with them, yeah. I feel like that's interacting with your money for you, and that's another instance of it. I feel like that, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 8:36

I feel like it's a transaction if the money changes hands again.

SPEAKER_05: 8:41

So, like if I tell them, hey, I'm hungry, can you go get me McDonald's and they go get it with their card, even though it's my money in the in the bank?

SPEAKER_03: 8:49

Yeah, I feel like that generates it on them again, and they could potentially turn into a ninja. They're interacting with your money on your behalf there by triggering.

SPEAKER_00: 8:58

I don't think you can just delegate.

SPEAKER_03: 8:59

But I gave them the money's no longer mine.

SPEAKER_05: 9:01

I gave it all to the space. Yeah, but they're doing it for you. Doesn't matter. The money's not mine, it's in their possession. They owe it to you. What's to keep them? If they're doing it for you and spending that particular money, then it's your if you give it to a bank, the bank doesn't hold on to your money, it goes to other bank accounts for like interest and like to to invest in other areas. So, because of that, isn't that the same argument? Is now because the bank took your money and invested it somewhere else, that person that they invested to is now could turn into a ninja to come get you because it's your money.

SPEAKER_03: 9:31

Uh, but they're not doing it on your behalf, they're just using that stockbroker. Would if you hire a stock guy and you give him all the money to put in stock, he does have a yeah, but then he's gonna fight you. But if the stock person, if you were working with the stock person, the stock person's gonna fight you.

SPEAKER_05: 9:45

Yeah, but the stock person works for a company and they have people that allocate and work with your money as well.

SPEAKER_00: 9:50

Yeah, what what I think what Mike is getting at is like, how is what he's proposing any different than if you took that if you took that million dollars and you went to Edward Jones and an investment firm, and you said, I want to invest this million dollars, and you gave them the million dollars to put into your account, and then they used that to invest. Like, yes, are you taking the one in ten chance just that one time on giving the investment firm that money? Or is there now a one in ten chance on each transaction they make?

SPEAKER_03: 10:24

Yes, each transaction they make on your behalf triggers the spell.

SPEAKER_00: 10:30

Yeah, I th I think I agree with that. I don't think you can loophole this by using a proxy.

SPEAKER_03: 10:35

I don't anytime something is done on your behalf, it triggers.

SPEAKER_05: 10:38

Yeah, it's so you would never be able to invest this money then. You would have to spend it on something that depreciates or it's like a one-time thing. Because you can't you can't use it to buy a house because you can't pay for a house with cash. You have to open up a mortgage and you have to pay off that mortgage. What you need to do is just that money to someone.

SPEAKER_00: 10:55

You just need to train as a really good ninja before you start send sp uh spending this money, and then you can just win all the fights.

SPEAKER_03: 11:03

Well, but you only have you do only have to make one transaction, right? So if you buy a bar of gold equal to a million dollars, and then use that gold, you no longer use it.

SPEAKER_00: 11:16

That's big brain. That's big brain, right?

SPEAKER_05: 11:18

How is that any different invest in real estate?

SPEAKER_00: 11:20

Invest in real estate.

SPEAKER_05: 11:21

How is that any different from my thing? Because at the bank, if you don't if you put a million dollars into the bank, it's still your money, though. You're not it so is that gold.

SPEAKER_00: 11:30

But the gold's not money. But the gold's not the money anymore. The gold is an object.

SPEAKER_05: 11:34

If you put your money in the bank, though, you're never really touching your money. It's just put it going into a pot with other people's money. Yeah, but in the banking.

SPEAKER_00: 11:41

In spirit, though, it's still your money.

SPEAKER_05: 11:44

And the gold is in spirit your money.

SPEAKER_00: 11:46

No, it's not. It's a gold, it's a bar of gold.

SPEAKER_03: 11:48

It's it's an it's an object. Or money. Money is a concept, gold is an is a is a solid material. Yeah. When you're talking about zeros in terms of money, anything could be money. We can make fucking soda tabs. To me, that's fallout.

SPEAKER_00: 12:05

To me, with this, in the spirit of what this is saying, to me, it is a transaction is only you relinquish the money and you receive something concrete in exchange for it. That's a transaction.

SPEAKER_05: 12:24

We're also now thinking of the the the easiest route to go about this. Jay J Death made an excellent comment here. Buy a gun and just always have it on the ready. If that person starts turning into a ninja in front of you, just done. Mid-transformation, just light them up.

SPEAKER_00: 12:41

Well, that's I guess that is what you could do. You could e if you wanted to be even more safe about it, you could take a couple of small chances on aing some goons to be your mob bodyguard people, and then make them come with you to each transaction.

SPEAKER_05: 13:05

And how would this work with like again? Let's go with a bank idea. Like if it how first off, how am I given this million dollars? Is it literally just a stack of it? I think it just appears.

SPEAKER_00: 13:18

Oh, oh, okay. I see what you're saying. I think it's a briefcase, it's a briefcase of million dollars.

SPEAKER_05: 13:24

So briefcase of the million dollars. Here's what I'm doing. I'm gonna call Chase headquarters. Here's why. Better idea. I have that million dollars. That's gonna give me a personal uh that's gonna give me value in Chase's mind. They're gonna give me that fucking black card credit card. I'm just gonna rack up the credit card and then I'm gonna pay off the credit card with my million dollars to myself.

SPEAKER_00: 13:42

You can't get a million dollar limit on a credit card.

SPEAKER_05: 13:46

Black card has no limit, dude.

SPEAKER_00: 13:48

You can't walking into a bank with a million dollars, they are not going to give you a credit card with a million dollar limit or a million dollars or an actual no non-existent limit.

SPEAKER_05: 14:00

There's no way that you're gonna it doesn't even have to be that that that much, but like people get like$20,000 limit credit cards, you know, that's all you need. Because then you can make whatever purchase you want on the credit card, immediately pay it off with the money in your bank account. I that way, the only person you're trying because there's no not like when you're paying that on the app, you're not you're not working with another person. It's just you. You're just doing a transaction with you. Am I gonna turn into a ninja and try to kill myself? I think that's the way. I'll do it if that if that works, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_00: 14:30

Okay, all right, all right. We need to move on from this question. I think we I think we've heard the arguments. I think what we need to do moving forward is we need to put a time limit on arguments.

SPEAKER_03: 14:40

We I just I just I just want to say one one last thing. Okay, all right. Closing arguments I'm I'm so on the no stance. If this event did happen, if you did carry a gun, if you have to defend yourself, and you've spent five bucks of your million and you kill a ninja, the cops are gonna find you. Now you're going to jail for manslaughter or murder. I think for this so this million dollars just really isn't worth it.

SPEAKER_00: 15:04

I think for the spirit of the hypothetical situation, that also the ninja attacked you. Yeah, self-defense.

SPEAKER_01: 15:12

I prove it. You instigated.

SPEAKER_00: 15:15

It's a ninja.

SPEAKER_05: 15:17

Like, why do you think premeditated? Is it premeditated if you know they could turn to a ninja by giving them money?

SPEAKER_00: 15:23

Oh, yeah, you coerce them into doing it. We gotta move on from this question. We've got to. All right, we've give us all three mil. Yeah. I think we all agree that we'll do it. We've heard arguments.

SPEAKER_03: 15:34

You're staunchly opposed to it. All right, I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 15:36

I'm doing it. All right, so me and Mike get two because we both agreed to it.

SPEAKER_05: 15:43

So I think my credit card thing is flawless. I think I need to.

SPEAKER_00: 15:46

I I my opinion has not changed. I I think you can probably work out some sort of loophole proxy thing, but I think I would probably just make one transaction and call it a day. Like I think if you buy a million dollar house and and then flip the house or get or sell it or whatever, I think that counts as your one transaction. There's only a one in ten chance it's gonna happen. I think it's I think that's yeah. Anyway. Okay, moving on. Every time you have to deliver bad news, you'll be dressed in a different costume. A random costume.

SPEAKER_03: 16:29

Okay, real quick. I think we have to all say whether we do it or not up top in order to know if we changed our opinions.

SPEAKER_00: 16:40

Okay, alright. So yeah, yeah, we should do that. We should do initial opinions. Okay. Moving forward, initial opinions, five minutes to debate, and then closing opinions. Alright?

SPEAKER_01: 16:52

Okay.

unknown: 16:53

Yep.

SPEAKER_01: 16:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 16:55

So every time you deliver bad news for the rest of your life, you you'll be dressed in a random costume.

SPEAKER_05: 17:02

Absolutely. Are we talking like Party City costume?

SPEAKER_00: 17:05

Silly. Just silly. Like, yeah, pirate.

SPEAKER_03: 17:07

Absolutely take this.

SPEAKER_00: 17:08

Pirate, clown, whatever. Yeah, I'm I'm I agree. I'm absolutely taking this. 100%.

SPEAKER_05: 17:17

Yeah, I don't give enough bad news to where this would be a problem. I feel I haven't given bad news to someone, I think, ever.

SPEAKER_03: 17:26

Yeah, this this really doesn't feel like a downside either. This is like I showed up to give you bad news and now I'm a clown.

SPEAKER_05: 17:33

Yeah. This would be worse if I was like a doctor and I had to tell someone they have cancer over and over. But I don't know.

SPEAKER_00: 17:40

Yeah, I think this this definitely depends on your occupation. Like, yeah. If you're a doctor at you or a vet, I think the a vet, especially, could be very insulting. Like, imagine your cat just died and your vet comes out in a furry suit, a cat furry suit, and is like meow, your cat's dead, meow.

SPEAKER_03: 18:06

I love that. I feel like it would really lighten the blow.

SPEAKER_00: 18:10

It'd be kind of funny. I guess yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 18:12

Like if I was at the doctor and they were like, I've got terrible news about your mother, and then like he just popped into like a bikini and like a banana hammock, and he was just like, Is my bold showing? Like that would be really, really funny and a really terrible moment.

SPEAKER_05: 18:29

Yar, it'd be terminal. Just a pirate.

SPEAKER_00: 18:35

Yeah. I I yeah, I mean, I can't think of enough downsides to make this not worth a million.

SPEAKER_03: 18:42

I mean, it would have to be like a silly outfit that like ruins my reputation and like my will to live in order to not take it. Like if this costume like shoves like a 10-foot dildo up my ass as as like the magic like transforms me, that might be bad. I might not be into that, but I might be into that.

SPEAKER_00: 19:02

It sticks you in like a like one of those. I don't know that this counts as a costume, but like you ever seen those vacuum beds where like where like you're you're basically between two pieces of like vinyl or something and it sucks all the air out and you can't move.

SPEAKER_05: 19:19

That is the worst. That is a nightmare.

SPEAKER_00: 19:22

I get I get those. This is derailing really hard, but I get we we had an episode where we talked about all the fetish content Instagram serves me, and that that's one of them. I just see a lot of people just in these vacuum beds.

SPEAKER_03: 19:36

What what what kind of fetish?

SPEAKER_00: 19:38

This is a fetish, so he again derailing, but like so people have this fetish where they lay down basically on a piece of plastic, and then they get like like vacuum sealed, like, and then they can't move. So basically they lay down on a piece of plastic, there's another piece of plastic on top of them, and then there's a vacuum. Vacuum that sucks all the air out, so they're like laminated basically.

SPEAKER_03: 20:04

Why are you being served this content? Are you into bondage? Is bondage a big thing for you?

SPEAKER_00: 20:10

No, it's not necessarily that. It's just like so, okay. Instagram will will occasionally chuck something into your algorithm just to be like, all right, let's see if they're into this. And then if you interact with it in any d manner, whether that's hold up, what the fuck was that? And you scroll back up and watch it again, that counts as an interaction. Or if you share it and send it to someone, that counts as an interaction. So what has happened over time is that Instagram has Instagram served me something at some point where and you spent five hours watching in a loop jerking off. Exactly. And now it just keeps gimmicking. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Alright. All right. So uh we've all agreed on that this one is worth it. So we're we're all getting we're all getting a throw.

SPEAKER_03: 20:56

Yeah, there's no arguments against this.

SPEAKER_00: 20:59

Yeah. Alrighty. Next lounge for the rest of your life, your hair is dripping wet.

SPEAKER_03: 21:08

No. Actually, I don't think we're talking dripping.

SPEAKER_00: 21:13

We're talking, it's running down here. I hate this feeling so much. I I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_03: 21:21

I think I think I have to go no.

SPEAKER_00: 21:24

Yeah, I'm not.

SPEAKER_05: 21:25

You know, I'm I'm gonna go no as well. But but Matt, this might work out in your favor. Hear me out. It's dripping wet. So uh you are a runner man, which means you need to keep cool. That's gonna keep you cool all the time.

SPEAKER_00: 21:43

It's gonna keep you cool the whole time. The question becomes is the water the same temperature as my body. Though water does, even if it's the same temperature, it does aid in cooling because it evaporates.

SPEAKER_05: 21:58

Yeah, it's like it's like perma sweat in your hair. Yeah, yeah, you you work out, dude. You're like you hit the gym, you run, you do all this shit. That's gonna that's gonna help you a lot.

SPEAKER_00: 22:08

No, it's not. That's not gonna help me at all.

SPEAKER_05: 22:10

Imagine sleeping.

SPEAKER_00: 22:11

Like I can already Yeah, that's the thing. If it keeps pouring out, it's gonna soak your pillows. No, there's no world where I can do this. I just no. No amount of money.

SPEAKER_05: 22:22

Is there a world where you where you you do it out of the goodness of your heart because you just solved like the world's water crisis? Oh do you bite the bullet humanity and you just you just you make water for the water? I don't think there's no more water problems.

SPEAKER_00: 22:40

I don't think there's gonna be enough water. I don't think my hair is enough to provide enough flow. But it's constant. Yeah, dog.

SPEAKER_05: 22:47

I'm I'm it's constant. If it's constant, like you're saying where it's constantly dripping down, that's a lot of water.

SPEAKER_03: 22:53

Like fresh out of the shower, just stepped out.

SPEAKER_00: 22:57

That's not enough water to solve like a worldwide crisis.

SPEAKER_05: 23:00

Over a lifetime, it's enough to help.

SPEAKER_00: 23:02

That's probably not even enough water to cool an AI data center. I'm not biting the bullet because I don't believe that there's enough flow through the strands of my hair to make any meaningful impact on any of that other than just making me miserable.

SPEAKER_03: 23:16

Yeah, I can't do it. You your neck would always be wet too. And so, like, if you like sled your neck like tilted, you're gonna get like a yeast infection under your neck from it just being wet and soggy all night while your head's tilted. Oh, it'd be bad.

SPEAKER_00: 23:31

It's awful.

SPEAKER_05: 23:31

Your clothes always wet and in the winter. Oh god. Yeah, it's a no for me, dog. No, that's awful.

SPEAKER_03: 23:39

You're gonna be in it having a terrible time.

SPEAKER_01: 23:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:44

Anyway, every day a chestbuster alien flies out of your chest, and you'll be in pain, but you will survive.

SPEAKER_03: 23:52

Absolutely doing this.

SPEAKER_00: 23:54

You're doing this every day?

SPEAKER_05: 23:55

Every day?

SPEAKER_00: 23:56

Every single day.

SPEAKER_05: 23:57

Yeah. No. Yeah. What the fuck? Why?

SPEAKER_03: 24:00

I have a couple watches. It's a million dollars. And I'm fine.

SPEAKER_01: 24:06

Go ahead. No.

SPEAKER_00: 24:08

I have questions though. Like, how long are you in pain for? Yeah. And does it cause damage that needs to be repaired?

SPEAKER_03: 24:17

Like Well, if it can happen every day, then surely not.

SPEAKER_00: 24:20

It just says you'll survive. It doesn't say you won't be horribly scarred.

SPEAKER_05: 24:27

There's that Greek myth myth with Prometheus where fucking Zeus ties him to a tree and has an an eagle come and eat out his liver every day for his entire life. Yeah, but that's torture.

SPEAKER_00: 24:37

In this situation, you're not tied to a tree.

SPEAKER_03: 24:41

I'm not tied to a tree.

SPEAKER_05: 24:42

It's still something exploding out of you every day. That's the torture part, is it happens every day.

SPEAKER_00: 24:49

I would do it if it's like a momentary pain and then it I go back to normal. Yeah, if it's like yeah, a minute or two, I can deal with it.

SPEAKER_03: 24:59

I don't see how it can be excruciating all day because it can't kill you. So it has to magically heal fast enough before you bleed to death. So it's gotta it can't scar. It's a magical heal. Even if it scars, it's it's still a magical wound that's gonna close before you just bleed to death.

SPEAKER_05: 25:16

I mean, you uh you could do a lot of things that'll hurt you and not kill you. Yeah, but this one's busting out of your chest.

SPEAKER_03: 25:23

Your heart's right there.

SPEAKER_05: 25:25

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_03: 25:26

There's no way it's busting out of your chest and not potentially killing you.

SPEAKER_05: 25:29

Boys, a million dollars does not go as long as far as you guys think for this to be a lifetime of pain every day.

SPEAKER_03: 25:35

I've been in pain. I can take pain. You have to re pain.

SPEAKER_00: 25:39

If no, if it's a 10. I could put up with any amount of almost any amount of pain for a couple of minutes every single day. Yes. I I yeah, it's just it really depends on how much pain and how long it's literally a torture method.

SPEAKER_05: 25:54

Like this is literally, yeah, but it's not torture.

SPEAKER_00: 25:57

It's literally it's literally a couple minutes. And and the torture part of the liver thing is really relying on the tree.

SPEAKER_05: 26:05

It's not, it's this eagle digging in, eat literally eating your own.

SPEAKER_00: 26:09

Well, and and that seems like that seems like a slow, painful process.

SPEAKER_03: 26:16

Like digging into it down to a single location. That's torture.

SPEAKER_05: 26:22

The the the chest burst or the coming out of your chest bursters.

SPEAKER_02: 26:26

Yeah, but they deny.

SPEAKER_05: 26:29

It's still that's pain. That's no, no, y'all are crazy.

SPEAKER_00: 26:33

I feel like you are gonna rack up some pretty serious PTSD that's gonna have an impact on the rest of your life. Especially Especially if you don't know. Especially if you don't know when it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_05: 26:45

That would be Yeah, is that a set time? Is it at like 9 a.m. every day? You know?

SPEAKER_00: 26:50

That would be a lot easier to deal with if I wake up, if I wake up, do my chest bursting, and then get on with my day, and I can plan.

SPEAKER_03: 26:57

It doesn't say you can't control the timing, it just says it happens once a day. I would say, yeah, it it's like a shit, if it's just like a big shit that you have to take, but it's something bursting out of your chest.

SPEAKER_00: 27:08

I don't believe that I know know what this is like. The one thing I do know is that there's a threshold of pain that you reach where your body's immediate reaction is to flood your system with adrenaline and like deal with it in the immediate like you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05: 27:32

I'm still on I'm still on team taking it. Listen, I've stubbed my toe and cried. I'm not surviving this, I'm not taking the steal.

SPEAKER_00: 27:40

Oh, I can that's nothing.

SPEAKER_05: 27:42

I I'm out. There's no no type of convincing you can make me you can you can do it make me do this. Hell no.

SPEAKER_03: 27:50

I guess you're not invited to the paddle party.

SPEAKER_00: 27:54

We're well over the time on here. I think you've convinced me. I think this could this has the pos it's the unknown that I think gets me with this one.

SPEAKER_05: 28:02

A lot of ability to backfire.

SPEAKER_00: 28:05

Yeah, and if it's too late, it could be way more than I'm than I'm prepared for. It's it's the the potential for it not me not knowing when it's gonna happen that I think would really be scary because like if I don't know when it's gonna happen, then you are living the rest of your life being like, is it about to happen? Is it about to happen? About to happen.

SPEAKER_05: 28:22

And that is worse to me, probably than if it if it changes and uh if it changes an opinion, I'm I'm willing to say in this hypothetical that it is the same time every day. Like it's a 9 a.m. every day or something.

SPEAKER_00: 28:34

I still don't think it changes. I'm cool with that.

SPEAKER_03: 28:36

I shit randomly every day. I'll I can deal with random.

SPEAKER_00: 28:40

Alright, man. Alright, we gotta move on. That was way more than five minutes. Every every 100th chew of your life, you have to scream at the top of your lungs. This is an easy yes for me. Easy yes.

SPEAKER_01: 28:56

Why not?

SPEAKER_00: 28:59

Just in a nice restaurant.

SPEAKER_03: 29:02

Yeah. I feel like I do this anyways. I just screamed. Yeah, I get real. I get loud, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 29:08

Just to hear yourself.

SPEAKER_03: 29:09

I I mean, sometimes I do just get real loud like I'm in a conversation in a restaurant. Sometimes I'm just like, that was funny shit. I'm about to get boisterous. I'm gonna forget I'm in public.

SPEAKER_05: 29:20

Especially like you could just do it and be like, sorry, everyone, I have a condition. And they'll just be like, oh, okay, yeah. Blank turn.

SPEAKER_00: 29:26

Yeah, you'll get used to it eventually.

SPEAKER_05: 29:28

Yep, I'll do it. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00: 29:30

Or a million.

SPEAKER_05: 29:31

Well, is it is it is it every 100, like is it like in one sitting, or like over mold, like if I'm eating breakfast and then you know, dinner comes along, that's my 100th, then I scream at dinner. Or is it or like I'm eating my lunch?

SPEAKER_00: 29:47

No, no, no. It's chew. So I'm thinking movement of jaw.

SPEAKER_05: 29:50

Yeah, is it is it in one day? Does it reset after day, or is it does it rule?

SPEAKER_00: 29:55

No, no, no, it's it says 100.

SPEAKER_05: 29:57

If I only chewed 90 times in one day, the next day. Yeah, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_00: 30:01

This says 100th chew of your life. So I'm I'm thinking you you're on a constantly a constant rotation. So yeah, if you if your dinner, the last bite of your dinner is 99, the first bite of your breakfast is well, how loud is the scream?

SPEAKER_03: 30:17

Top of your lungs. So now is this again? I always go back to magic in these situations because we're talking about uh granting a wish for a million dollars. Is this is this gonna make me scream as hard and as loud as possible? Because that's gonna hurt my throat. That might end up tearing my throat to the point where I can't talk anymore if I have to do that every 100 shoes. You may just lose your fucking voice and your vocal cords. It's a screen.

SPEAKER_05: 30:45

You're worried about that, but you'll let a chest burster explode your chest every day.

SPEAKER_03: 30:51

I mean, it that says I'm gonna heal. This doesn't say your throat's gonna heal from constantly screaming.

SPEAKER_00: 30:56

Scream at the top of your hands.

SPEAKER_03: 30:57

You can end up with polyps. I think. Well, I mean, if we're making the chest bursting situation as bad as possible, why can't the screaming be as bad as possible? Is what I'm saying. I would say it probably happens.

SPEAKER_05: 31:09

I guess I mean, do you do that often a day?

SPEAKER_03: 31:13

Like if you really if you really put your mind to it right now and it screamed as hard as you could and as loud as you could, you would hurt your throat.

unknown: 31:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 31:21

If you have to do that, if you're forced to do that, everyone hunting. It depends.

SPEAKER_00: 31:25

If you have if you have some control over it, if you don't have control over the volume, but you have control over the technique, you could do you could do this because screaming at the top of your lungs is possible without hurting yourself.

SPEAKER_05: 31:38

If you have the technique, I would say I agree. I'm I'm with Chris. I think it's just a guttural, just primal.

SPEAKER_00: 31:44

So it's just like it's basically just your lungs contracting as hard as physically possible.

SPEAKER_03: 31:49

Ah, yeah. Yeah, it's just everything, full volume, full force, all at once, boom, out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 31:56

Also, this is random, but did I get an extra mil for persuading you last round, Matt?

SPEAKER_00: 32:02

You said persuasion in favor of, but I'm I'm willing to say I'm willing to say if you change somebody's mind at all, that's fine. That's my thing.

SPEAKER_05: 32:11

If I could change your opinion.

SPEAKER_00: 32:12

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's fine. I'll give you an extra point.

SPEAKER_05: 32:15

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Racking it up.

SPEAKER_00: 32:18

All right.

SPEAKER_05: 32:19

So if yeah, that changes it for me, actually. A little fuck. Chris might have he wanted to be.

SPEAKER_00: 32:24

If it's just spontaneous contraction of your lungs, yeah, that might be awful.

SPEAKER_03: 32:28

All air just exits your body. You're gonna be gasping for afterwards. Well, that's good. That would be awful. That would be like getting like Yeah, it's like getting punched in the stomach. Yeah, all the air just leaving your body every time. See, when you take situations and you start pushing extremes, everything's awful.

SPEAKER_05: 32:47

There's no single number for how many times you chew daily, but experts suggest chewing each bite 20 to 40 times.

SPEAKER_00: 32:55

Yeah. Entirely convinced there's no way you could make it through a meal without this happening a few times.

SPEAKER_05: 33:00

Yeah, yeah. And after dinner alone, your throat's gonna be raw. Yeah, I think I'm out. I think Chris persuaded me out of that one.

SPEAKER_00: 33:09

Imagine you're you take Lori after your anniversary to a nice restaurant.

SPEAKER_05: 33:14

Well, I'm not too worried about that because if you know it's coming up, Lever County, you could just do this.

unknown: 33:19

Social.

SPEAKER_05: 33:20

Cover your mouth. That way it it quiets.

SPEAKER_00: 33:22

And yeah, the social implications maybe aren't as bad because, like you said, eventually you'll get used to it.

SPEAKER_03: 33:26

But it's the bloody throat. Yeah. Spitting up blood constantly from the screams tearing your cords. I don't feel I don't feel as though it's lighting.

SPEAKER_00: 33:36

I don't feel as though if this is happening to you, that it should be so violent that it's gonna cause damage to your organs.

SPEAKER_03: 33:43

But I'm just saying it could happen.

SPEAKER_05: 33:47

The unknown.

SPEAKER_00: 33:48

It could happen.

SPEAKER_05: 33:49

It is a magical thing that's happening to you. It is a hypothetical. But I would still do it.

SPEAKER_00: 33:55

I think the spirit of this question just is just the volume and the noise rather than the physical implications.

SPEAKER_05: 34:04

Yeah, the other one we we we focus so hard on the pain of the chest burster because it's literally your chest bursting open. It's in the name. I feel like that was a different story.

SPEAKER_00: 34:13

I think this is not gonna cause any damage to you.

SPEAKER_05: 34:16

If it doesn't cause vocal pain, I'm in.

SPEAKER_00: 34:18

I'm staying on board.

SPEAKER_01: 34:19

Yeah, I'm I was I was on board either way.

SPEAKER_00: 34:23

All right. All right. Three. All right. You're a Jason Born type sleeper agent whose skills are only activated around old people.

SPEAKER_05: 34:34

Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 34:37

There's no downside to this. There's absolutely zero downside to this.

SPEAKER_03: 34:41

Oh no, I have to go on a mission. I'm bringing an old person.

SPEAKER_00: 34:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05: 34:45

Yeah, it doesn't it well it says you're activated, doesn't even say like you have to attack the old people. You just become a badass when you're around the elderly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 34:52

But yeah, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00: 34:53

I guess the sleeper agent check it out. The sleeper agent thing is. I guess maybe the implication here is that it's something that you don't have really have control of. Or is it saying that they're only activated around old people, meaning that you have a secret mission, and anytime you're around old people, you're suddenly on this mission.

SPEAKER_03: 35:15

Because that's a very that's a very different type of I I feel I feel like you're just assigned an old person that travels with you on missions, and and then when you're not on mission, they take the old person away so you forget what you are, and then like it's like, oh your grandma's here, and your grandma's your handler, and now this is not this is not a specific old person, this is any old person.

SPEAKER_00: 35:34

This is if you're this is you're walking through the grocery store and you happen across an old person, and suddenly now you have to kill Kim Jong-un.

SPEAKER_03: 35:43

Well, that's why there's you know there are controllers to keep old people away from you. You get you've got your old person handler, you've got your controllers that keep your environment clean of old people. You're in a very controlled situation.

SPEAKER_00: 35:58

You'll never be able you'll never be able to see or spend time with the elderly people in your life.

SPEAKER_03: 36:04

Well, that's because they're dead because the government killed them because you're a sleeper agent.

SPEAKER_05: 36:09

What are we also constituting as an old person? Like 70 and up?

SPEAKER_00: 36:13

Yeah, I say I'm saying 40.

SPEAKER_03: 36:17

Fucking decrepit motherfucker.

SPEAKER_00: 36:18

So what happens when you turn up?

SPEAKER_06: 36:20

My wife's 37. Oh god. Uh three more years than the government gets you, honey.

SPEAKER_00: 36:25

So I'm saying I'm saying if you draw if they're drawing social security.

unknown: 36:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 36:30

So 50. Yeah, okay. 65. Yeah, 65. 65. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 36:36

I uh I had to double check.

SPEAKER_05: 36:37

Oh, that's tough because Lori's grand Lori's parents are right there. I don't think I could do it solely because of the few elderly people I'm obligated to see a couple times a year. I don't want to ruin Christmas.

SPEAKER_00: 36:54

So here's the thing that's gonna be my question becomes like if you're suddenly activated by old people and uh you take off on your mission, and you're like you see an old person and you're like, I have to kill Kim Jong un and you take off. As soon as you get out of sight, you forget.

SPEAKER_05: 37:15

Yeah, is it do you have to go is does it turn on when you're by an old person and then turn off the next old person you see?

SPEAKER_00: 37:22

I don't know. Yeah, this could just be you. This could basically just be intermediate amnesia.

SPEAKER_05: 37:29

Yeah. Yeah. How does this work? Is it yeah, is it you you you you walk by an old person, I must get I must get Kim Jong un, and then you go off on your mission. Are you stuck like that until you find another old person? And if so, that's there's a lot of planning around that because North Korea is filled with old people. So like you'd have to plan your your your sleeper agent self would have to plan never going around an elderly person, otherwise you would revert back to yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 38:02

I think in your sleeper in your Jason born sleeper agent uh state, you could handle that though, and you would be aware of it. You'd have methods.

SPEAKER_05: 38:12

Yeah, to stay away from the elderly. Okay. Does your Jason-born sleeper agent self want to turn back to you? Because if they can avoid the elderly, that means they can stay in control forever, which means that my life is gone. So do they actively are they like are they like missions done, you take back over? Or are they like, I want to live?

SPEAKER_03: 38:37

How does that work? Yeah, how does that work? See, that's why I feel like it's if you're near an old person, it's activated. If you're not, it's deactivated. Because it just says, right, if an old person it says old people activate you. There is no clause about deactivation, right? So if I feel like it's just if you're near an old person, you're active. And so you're gonna be like, you're gonna instead of carrying a little baby around in a tube, you're gonna be carrying an old person around to stay active.

SPEAKER_00: 39:01

Yeah, I'm imagining your Jason Bourne self like sprinting through a subway station trying to catch it, a train, like grabbing an old person and being like, You have to come with me.

SPEAKER_05: 39:10

And there's like on like on what it was, like baby things, whatever. They're just I and they're just running with them.

SPEAKER_00: 39:20

Which nap but exactly. Now I'm into it just for the comedy.

unknown: 39:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 39:26

I say Antica!

SPEAKER_05: 39:28

I think I think be careful on the heels. I think I'm out because that would make Christmas and Thanksgiving's very uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00: 39:38

There are a lot of old people in my life. I spend a lot of time with old people. I don't think yeah, I don't think this works for me.

SPEAKER_05: 39:44

And then you'll never be able to see your parents after a certain amount of time. Like, okay, bye, you're out of my life forever now.

SPEAKER_03: 39:49

Like active around them. You're doing around them. I'm doing it.

SPEAKER_00: 39:55

You're still in. All right.

SPEAKER_03: 39:55

Well, you're only getting I'm taking that cool Millie.

SPEAKER_00: 39:58

Taking that cool Millie. All right. We got Time for one more. Okay, this is a good one. Every time you masturbate for the rest of your life, your mother gets a text message.

SPEAKER_01: 40:11

What does it say?

SPEAKER_03: 40:18

Oh. I'm gonna have to go with no.

SPEAKER_05: 40:23

No. No, there's no way I could do this. Not worth it.

SPEAKER_03: 40:30

No. There's no fucking way.

SPEAKER_05: 40:32

Matt, think how often you do that.

SPEAKER_00: 40:36

Yeah. Think about how she's gonna get used to it eventually. I'm going, I'm going to want my mom to get used to it.

SPEAKER_05: 40:42

Send her a prerequisite text. Hey, keep your phone on silent for the next two minutes.

SPEAKER_00: 40:47

Well, that's basically that's that's effectively the same thing. You're now you're telling her what's up. I think, nah, I think your mom's phone away. We're all adults. Like, yeah, it's weird. I'm not in love with the idea, but for a slick Millie, I think I think I could live with that.

SPEAKER_05: 41:08

I think I could be like Can you explain the situation? Like, look, I'm sorry that this is gonna happen forever, but I did get a million dollars.

SPEAKER_00: 41:16

Yeah, I I I assume I could explain the situation to her. Just be like, look, you're gonna get these text messages. Uh hell, depends on how moral I want to be about it. I could just lie to her. I could be like, I don't know who this person I can somebody this person that's texting. Well, it has to come from your phone.

SPEAKER_05: 41:30

It comes from your phone. I got hacked. I got a virus. I yeah. You could do that. Parent old people are dumb. Oh, I got a virus.

SPEAKER_00: 41:37

Don't call my mom dumb.

SPEAKER_05: 41:40

That's not. I said old people. Just just old people. My mom's not social security age, so by our previous definition. Technology is savvy. So I can totally be like, oh, that wasn't me. I don't know where that came from. Someone must have hacked my phone.

SPEAKER_03: 41:59

I feel like when she get when she's getting these text messages for 10 years, she's not gonna believe that someone hacked your phone.

SPEAKER_00: 42:07

I also think when she's been getting these text messages for 10 years, she's gonna be whatever.

SPEAKER_05: 42:13

Yeah, after a while, you're just numb to it. I would slip my mom a cool like 100 G's and be like, this is gonna happen for the foreseeable future.

SPEAKER_00: 42:24

Just never bring it up. I don't I don't think my mom money. Yeah. I don't think my mom would be crazy about it, but I I feel like she would understand. She'd be like, Yeah, I understand why you did this.

SPEAKER_03: 42:34

Yeah. I think it would make for some real com weird conversations at Thanksgiving. Oh, cranked your hog three times before you got here, huh?

SPEAKER_00: 42:43

True. That is true. You you do then have to think about the implication of your timing for the rest of your life. Or well for the rest of her life.

SPEAKER_03: 42:55

Honey, it's Mother's Day. Really? Five times. You couldn't come see your father, but you had time to jack it three times last night. He really appreciates it. Yeah, no, this would be awful. My mom's not a stuck up bitch. Come see my mom's sisters play.

SPEAKER_00: 43:13

My mom's not a stuck up bitch like that, though. Also, I mean, I don't my mom doesn't ever put me in any situation where I'm socially obligated for to anything.

SPEAKER_03: 43:21

One, yeah, but Matt, that's not comedy.

SPEAKER_06: 43:28

I thought you couldn't even visit your oh, I thought you were busy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 43:35

Sorry. Sorry, mom. I'm just I got things I gotta do. I'm stuck, I'm stuck at work late.

SPEAKER_03: 43:45

Mad ejaculated, mad ejaculated, mad ejaculated.

SPEAKER_00: 43:48

No, no, no, no, no. It makes it even it makes it worse if it's if it's a phrase like that. I think ejaculated makes it so much worse. Because that's it, that's a visceral image. That's like that creates imagery in your mind.

SPEAKER_02: 44:05

It's a static, it it's it's a status update. Maximum is extremely hard to realize.

SPEAKER_00: 44:12

Oh, like it it gives you details.

SPEAKER_06: 44:15

It gives her the link. It gives her the link. Oh no, now now we're out.

SPEAKER_00: 44:19

Now we're definitely uh now. We're real out, real, real out.

SPEAKER_05: 44:27

I like the concept of it sending her the link and also the concept of the text being in like legal jargon. This morning at approximately 5 02 a.m. one Matthew ejaculated.

SPEAKER_00: 44:43

This this uh brings up a buried memory that I recently so you every once in a while you like randomly remember a thing that your subconscious buried. This brings up something that I recently dug out of the recesses of my teenage brain. My one time when I was a teenager, I was maybe 15 or 16 years old, I torented a Sasha Gray porn, and my dad got an email from the ISP. Well, when you if you've never gotten one of those emails before, if you torrent something and it gets reported to your ISP, your ISP is legally obligated to send you a notification of the notifications that they got. And so my dad got an email and he printed it out. He instead of confronting me about it or talking to me about it, my dad printed out the email, walked into my bedroom, laid just silently laid the email on my desk and walked away. That was how he handled it.

SPEAKER_05: 45:49

Oh wow. That's incredible. Your dad's fucking funny. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 45:56

That's something I recently on that note. This has been over an hour. We still have so many of these that we can. So I'm sure we'll do it when we get into some.

SPEAKER_05: 46:08

All right.

SPEAKER_00: 46:14

Masturbation?

SPEAKER_05: 46:15

Yes. Is it where it just sends a notification where it's like, Mike ejaculated? Or is it straight up like it sends like the link?

SPEAKER_00: 46:25

No, if it's Yeah, if it's details, I'm out. If it's just a notification, I'm in.

SPEAKER_03: 46:30

It's so much funny with details. It is. That's not true.

SPEAKER_00: 46:34

It is, yeah, I'm not doing it with the d yeah. I'm definitely not doing it. I can't do it.

SPEAKER_05: 46:41

I'm not doing it. Yeah, okay. What's our uh what's our tally?

SPEAKER_01: 46:46

Alrighty. Change my mind for the last one. So Michael, you've got eight and a half. Eight and a half million dollars.

SPEAKER_00: 47:00

Christopher, you got eight million dollars. And I have eight million dollars.

unknown: 47:11

We did it.

SPEAKER_00: 47:13

So so m Mike wins by half a million dollars because he convinced me to change my answer on that one.

SPEAKER_05: 47:20

Well, congratulations, Mike. I did it. I'm the richest out of the three of us in this imaginary world, where now I have to fight ninjas and let my mom know I jerked it.

SPEAKER_03: 47:32

Have fun. Have fun with that.

SPEAKER_05: 47:35

Damn. What a fun episode, boys. Yeah, is it going? I fucking love these.

SPEAKER_00: 47:39

I love it. We gotta do this again at some point before another two-year anniversary.

SPEAKER_06: 47:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 47:47

Search for unplanned potency on any podcast platform. It's an unplanned pregnancy joke. We are pregnant. One of us is pregnant with an idea, and everybody else has to help deliver it. That's how this podcast works. Yeah, that's that's that. Mike, what do you guys say?

SPEAKER_05: 48:04

Thank you for having me on again. I thoroughly enjoyed doing these with these you boys, and I look forward to the next one.

SPEAKER_00: 48:10

Chris, what do you guys think?

SPEAKER_03: 48:11

Well, that's very kind. Well, I would like to thank Mike for being here. And you were a great guest. And unplanned potency, like the Phoenix, we shall rise again and then burn to ash. But rise. Always rise until you die.

unknown: 48:30

Cool.

SPEAKER_05: 48:32

Just like capitalism. Endless, endless profits and whatnot.

SPEAKER_00: 48:37

And Santa. Whatever. And Santa. Okay. Goodbye, Coke.

SPEAKER_01: 48:42

Bye.