DLUTI 225 - Reddit Stuff: Horrible Boyfriends and Quantum Physics

This week: Doug lives forever, Matt has a bad date, and Jason picks up a hitchhiker.

Transcript

Stumbling Into The Show

SPEAKER_04 0:16

Don't look under the internet.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

Are you guys ready to start the next episode?

SPEAKER_02 0:35

Yeah. Okay. Welcome to Really Chungus Podcast. Really Chungus? Podcast. Chungus Y S podcast.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

Mike's not here again today. So you get another you know, we'll we'll get better at this without him as time goes on. But it'll be back next week, and then he'll do it again, and then we'll forget how to do it. And then the next time he leaves, uh we'll make a really awkward attempt at starting the podcast again. Uh welcome to Don't Look Under the Internet. Housekeeping. Welcome. Uh it's the Jason day-night thing. Fuck. God damn it. Alright. Alright.

SPEAKER_06 1:23

I'm sorry, I'm not making this easier. That's Jason.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Hello. That's Doug. Hi.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

And I'm Long Chungus.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Housekeeping!

SPEAKER_03 1:42

Doug, you have something.

SPEAKER_02 1:44

I got it.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Uh so last week we brought you some updates about our patroon and all the fun things that come with being one of our patrons. Um, which is essentially the biggest thing that you get is that you're giving us your money. But um one other way you can do that is by supporting our merch. Now we've had a lot of the same merch up for a while, and this is why I'm bringing it up. We're gonna be scaling it back, and we're gonna be making some more like limited edition stuff, I guess is I guess the best way to put it. Um we have stuff, some ideas, so you'll probably see that coming. I'm not even I'm not even gonna say when it's coming because I can't promise anything. We have no idea. It will come at some time, um, but I want people to know that it is going to be a little bit more, it's gonna be a lot more fun than what we're what you're normally seeing from us. It's not just gonna be like our logo or something, which is kind of like on par for what we do typically. Um so be on the lookout for better merch. I was pretty proud of the mic. I'm not knocking it.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

Um I like the mic post poster.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

I think it had two sales. Um they were both Tory. Basically, yeah. Thanks, Tory.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

I hope you liked it.

SPEAKER_05 3:07

Tory.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Um, but yeah, you'll just be on the lookout for that because I don't know, we want to do some improvements. So get get merged while you can, because it might not be there anymore. Come I don't know, put like a redacted noise here or something.

SPEAKER_06 3:26

Editor just um uh I don't know what I'm talking about, noise, real quick.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Yeah. Uh so yeah, that's that's our our who's our hoose coupon beat.

SPEAKER_06 3:38

Be on the lookout for Doug's butthole puzzle boxes. Just saying.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

Yes. Actually, that's our hundred dollar Patreon tier. It it unlocks access to a butthole puzzle.

SPEAKER_06 3:49

That's all it is. It's like the Cenobites, but it's they're more anus focused than any other entity.

SPEAKER_03 3:57

It's just fax holes again, but this time it's a puzzle.

SPEAKER_06 4:00

And demonic.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Uh yeah, and if you're lucky, there'll be one golden fax hole, which will later be discussed what that means.

Patreon Gags And Poll Setup

Why A Reddit Episode

SPEAKER_03 4:12

I got a golden fax hole. I got a golden twinkle in Doug's brown eye. Anyway, uh we did a poll recently. A poll about the hole. And lots of you people said you like the fucking Reddit episode, so we're doing a fucking Reddit episode. We like the Reddit. Buckle up bitches, yeah. Buckle the fuck up. Yeah, they're fine. Yeah, weird shit on Reddit. That's what we're doing today. Um, I got a few. Who wants to start with theirs? I got one start if you want. Yeah, Jason, you you take it away. I took it away last week.

Creepy Encounter On I-90

SPEAKER_06 4:54

All right, cool. I'm gonna put us in a real uh a real real gutter of a mood, I think. So there's a Reddit post on uh R slash creepy encounters made about 23 hours ago as of right now. Jesus hot off the press. Um, and this is what it says it says I was a teen runaway heading back home to Washington from Montana on February 25th, 1997. I had two male companions, also teen runaways, with me. What the fuck? Um, and we had stopped at Quartz Flats campground slash rep stop in Montana for a break from the drive. It was snowing heavily as we left the rest stop. Um goes on for a bit how this basically they thought that it was there was nobody around, um, you couldn't see anything in any direction. Uh they were on an interstate called I-90, um, and they came across a man who was carrying a child. They didn't know how old the child was, but they just saw that he was pregnant. Man with child? Yeah, he was carrying, he was carrying.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Um how does man get pregnant and this dude he's just he's carrying this.

SPEAKER_06 6:07

Like, I'm I'm in my head, I picture like a six or seven-year-old kid who's just passed out from being exhausted and the freezing cold. They're walking literally, like there's nothing around for miles. And so they stop and they say, Do you need a ride? Like, it looks like you're cold. Like, like we'll take you to the next town. Um, apparently, the man had curly brown hair with a devil's lock in the front and a scar on his upper lip and chin. Um, the boy appeared to be between two and four years of age, wearing a blue coat, uh, red or blue warm-up pants, and either an offset red or blue seam on the pants and light colored boots that resembled construction boots. The boy would not look at any of us, nor did he turn to the man for comfort, just looked down at the floor and didn't move from the man's lap. I felt bad for him, thinking he must be scared of us. That's incorrect. That is not the instinct you need here. Um they weren't with us very long. Um not much conversation was had. The guy apparently talked to the driver for a bit, but then focused more on the uh the teen boys in the back. And they had different conversations. She kind of tuned it out, and eventually it led to her letting him and the boy out at a gas station/slash rest stop. Um, so that was apparently the end of the interaction. Um, he went on about uh the the he was very strange. He started to get very worked up about uh like boats. One of the big spiels he had was if you buy a boat in Arizona, you can get it for way cheaper because Arizona doesn't touch any any ocean body. And apparently that was a huge topic of conversation, very passionate conversation while they went to the gas station. Um, but the guy at the gas station, you know. Hey man, you look it up, you research it, you figure everything out about it. This sounds like every weird guy that you just like bump into it. I'm really happy that Matt's comment described Doug's comment.

SPEAKER_05 8:16

That may be very comment.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

I didn't hear his comment because I was talking over that's fine.

Realizing It Was Joseph E. Duncan III

SPEAKER_06 8:27

That makes everything way better because I heard it in stereo, like one in each year, and it was like a devil and an angel. It was great. Um so they let this guy out and the kid at a gas station where they went inside and they drove away. Now, fast forward to 2017. This individual found uh found true crime and decided that was like something they were very interested in, found podcasts, found uh just researched online, and it made it as they were listening, it made reflect on 17-year-old them and the terrible risks that uh that they took hitchhiking and picking up hitchhikers, um all the same. Um, there's a few disturbing rides that they can recall, but nothing that was too out of the ordinary, just more awkward than anything. Um, but on a whim they googled serial killers, i-90, and missing children. And when they brought up the Google search results, they found a man that apparently looked almost identical, just a bit older, um, that had been arrested for a lot of different things, mainly the killing and molestation of children. And you can actually Google this man. Uh, his name is Joseph Joseph Duncan III. Um, and the description is pretty much fucking spot on. It's he's it's the one of the first things you'll see if you Google it is his uh arrest photo or his mugshot. And uh apparently passed he passed away in 2021, but he was put away for a lot of really fucked up shit. Um apparently had a court a court date. Um that was coincidentally the same day as his birthday. Um, other than one of those records as being a court date, there's not there's no record of him actually showing up for the court date, but there was a warrant issued, and eventually his uh for his arrest in 1997, and after that, the snowball fell down the hill, and more and more war uh arrest warrants were set out for him. Um, and eventually he was picked up. The story behind Joseph Duncan III, like I'm not gonna get into it. Um he's a terrible, terrible dude, but this is literally, like I said, this was posted 23 fucking hours ago, and apparently somebody made a connection where when in 1997, when they were 17 years old, they had a run-in with a pretty well-known serial killer that has done some horrendous, horrendous shit in their life, and they have an actual like in interpersonal interaction with this man and have lived to tell the fucking tale about it. It's fucking wild.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Yeah, I hate that. Why are people pissing me? I know, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:20

That's pretty fucked up.

SPEAKER_06 11:22

I know, I'm so sorry. The other the other one I have is much, much, much more.

SPEAKER_03 11:27

I like how Doug and I were like, oh, we found funny things. And then you were like, here's a kid raping murdered guy.

SPEAKER_06 11:34

Here's a fucking buzzkill. No, I I I promise my next one is not nearly as fucked up as this one, but I like I I saw this and I just I couldn't ignore it because that is such a wild and harrowing and like recount of an interaction that happened between somebody and a serial killer, a well known now well-known serial killer that happened way back in the day. It's almost like finding like an interaction with the zodiac killer.

SPEAKER_03 12:00

I was trying to figure out how to make the Duncan Donuts joke because his name was Duncan, but I wasn't really getting there. Something about because well kids, something about munchkins? I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 12:10

There it is. Yeah, no, you're you're on the right path, I think.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

Unfortunately runs on Duncan, America runs on Duncan.

SPEAKER_06 12:21

Yeah, no, it's uh and I'm my when I read this, the the one of the things I thought about is like how many people have stories that are similar to this that just haven't shared, or if they have, like how buried are they? Like, how do we find those stories? Because I'm sure that they were shared at some point in time. Because I don't know, if I was if I suspected that I gave a ride to a serial killer, I'm pretty sure I'd share that in text format somewhere, right? Just to at least get it out of my head.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

Well, there were like so many serial killers in like the 70s, right? So, like, imagine imagine if there was Reddit in the 70s and everybody like you could hear from everybody who was like, Oh, I should get on Reddit and talk about Ted Bundy or whatever.

SPEAKER_06 13:02

Right. And people could line their stories up and confirm their suspicions, and then it would have saved lives, I'm sure. But like it's just fucking wild, especially like uh some individual and two teenage boys picking up a serial killer who was later known for the abuse and murder of children. Like, that's this is it's wild. They all made it out of that. So that's my first contribution. I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

You know what would be kind of crazy if, like, so I saw this video on TikTok, and it was like, I don't know, I think it was some Korean, like a piece of a Korean film where this like girl could see these like red strands like coming out of people's heads.

SPEAKER_06 13:48

Depending on who they slept with, right? Right, yeah, something one.

What If You Could See Killers

SPEAKER_01 13:52

What if you yeah, I don't know. Korean. What if you could see like a little like skull above someone who's like killed someone? No, only you could see it. Yeah, you just you just could see that like like if it was just you or something, like you just saw a little skull over their head, and you like you knew that person murdered someone else or killed someone. Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

So my question being death though, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 14:21

No, it's not kind of obviously not with life spans, but like if you like for murder, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Well, so my question was like the skull, does it only appear if you murder somebody, or does it appear if you accidentally killed it?

SPEAKER_01 14:38

If you've taken the life of someone, if if you've got somebody dying, it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't mean like you're a murderer. You could have been could have been self-defense, it could have been an accident, whatever it is, but like yeah, it still happened, and so I'd always be so curious. Like, I mean, you walk past hundreds of people sometimes in a day, you know what I'm saying? Especially me, like when I'm at a theme park, like I'm always like, I wonder how yeah, I wonder how many of these people here are like pieces of shit, you know. Oh, I wonder how many people are. What is this guy's story? Like, yeah, like how many people have I come in contact just in the vicinity of someone who's like planning to do some horrific shit later, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 15:17

Like my more question is like and so this is the thing I think about sometimes is like what if you accidentally killed somebody and you didn't know it? What I mean is like, what if you set some series of events in motion that you had absolutely no idea that it killed somebody later? I'm thinking like what if you're what if you're at the gym and you move something like a trash can or something, to pick something up that fell behind it, and later somebody is on a ladder doing maintenance, and somebody trips over the trash can that is only where it is because you moved it, and they hit the ladder, and then the person on the ladder falls off and breaks her neck and dies. Do you get a skull?

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Uh I don't know. I don't know the rules. I think you have to wait for season. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 16:16

You have to wait for season two for that, Matt.

AITA: Husband’s Baby Talk Spiral

SPEAKER_03 16:17

Okay. Alright. I'll go in with mine. So this one is an Am I the Asshole post. And um it was posted five years ago by Small Sliced Skin on Reddit. And the title of the post is Am I the Asshole for Leaving My Husband in the Grocery Store because he started acting like a toddler. And boy, this gets even crazier than that. So I'll just read the post. We all go we all go through phases and pick up annoying habits, and sometimes we just need our loved ones to gently tell us if we've picked up a particularly egregious habit. Sometime in the last year, my husband has picked up a habit where he talks like a baby. At first it was funny, but it passed into embarrassing, fringeworthy behavior very quickly.

SPEAKER_06 17:09

Oh, that's never funny.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

Examples Doggo puffer, woofer, subwoofer, pibble, hootie boo, who hootie boy, peepo, bird, meow meow, sammy, sandwiches, sammy whammy, chicken nuggies, chicken tendies, adding a toddler-esque lisp to the words, and the ones that really get that are really gross are child euphemisms for genitalia and sex. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is not endearing or six sexy to have my husband talk about my boobies and his wiener and weenie and wee wee, hoo-haws and bingos, nostalgia for scrubs and damn. What the we have not had sex for six months because he cannot stop talking about my boobies and it makes me sick. Just before the pandemic hit, we were out at a restaurant with some friends. He actually ordered a chicken Sammy, like said that exact phrase, chicky Sammy. Look, it's totally fine that he ordered the chicken sandwich. That's not the issue. Our friends noticed the baby talk because he insisted on continuing the joke and even started talking with this god awful toddler accent. After that, I just couldn't stomach the idea of going out with him to adult places. I'd go out to the brewery with friends, but God forbid he joined me and say, Me want another beer or something. I couldn't know where it came from. I don't know why he's doing this. I finally hit my limit when we were at the grocery store shopping, and everything seemed normal and fine until he gasped like a kid, ran to the ice cream section, and jumped up and down yelling, Ice cream, ice cream, I want chocolate. I was mortified. People were staring at him and me. He kept going and kept saying, Can we get passequas? And I just said, either talk to me like an adult or I'm leaving. He started saying, Oh, you must be funny at parties and lighten up, will you? And shit like that. I just said, fuck it. Left the store, leaving him to walk home because I couldn't even look at him. Since then, things have been very tense, and he keeps telling me that he wants an apology for embarrassing him by leaving him in the store. I told him that people don't get to to demand apologies. If someone wants to apologize, it's up to them, and I'm absolutely not going to apologize for saving myself from the embarrassment of a 35-year-old man with a mortgage and retirement account asking for taco ice cream. He got his fucking mom involved. No jokes. She keeps telling me it's just a phase and he's probably bored, and I should be happy that this is his midlife crisis rather than him fucking 19-year-olds at the local bar. Am I going crazy? Do I really just need to let my husband continuously embarrass me like this? Now. No, what the fuck? Now, the replies. People start trying to offer theories as to what's going on here. Doug's already heard this story, so he knows. Jason, what do you think the th what's your theory?

SPEAKER_06 19:54

Either this is a weird form of spongiform encephalitis, or this man wants a fucking literal pacifier diaper and bib, and he wants like the mommy treatment.

SPEAKER_03 20:05

Well, we get a lot of theories from people. They they include brain tumors. Um fetishes. Yeah, it's a f it's a fetish. Um eventually it is people convince him convince this woman to sit down with her husband and talk to him about seeing a doctor because he literally will not stop doing it, and she thinks he's having some sort of either psychological break or has like a brain tumor or something. Or whatever. So this is the update. This is the update. Well, here I am with the update. I talked to my husband after doing some soul searching. There was no tumor, no kink, no childhood trauma. I asked him first if he understands why I'm upset, and to please please clarify if he was doing this on purpose or if we needed to seek medical intervention. He didn't want to tell me at first and I got worried. He eventually caved when I suggested that we look for a doctor because of how worried I am. It was it turns out it was a bet with one of his friends that started as them trying to embarrass each other in public. He bet my husband that he couldn't keep it up for the whole year. The only off-limits part was at work because he couldn't jeopardize his career. No, he decided to jeopardize his marriage instead. For what prize? What was he going to win? A signed baseball. A baseball. I thought he was still joking, no, but he was dead serious. How was the friend verifying? My husband would share little videos that he took here and there of him upsetting me with the baby talk, including times that he tried to initiate sex with me by whispering his baby talk in my ear. And by seeing us in public, like at the brewery, he got cross with me in the grocery store because I interrupted the recording and almost blew the whole operation. He wasn't remorseful or apologetic. He thought that we were both in on his little joke and that I'd find it his. Hysterical. I asked him, did he understand that we haven't had sex in months? No, it didn't matter to him. It was all worth it to him. He kept saying, You just don't get it. It's not just a baseball. I told him the joke it was over and it was time to stop recognizing.

SPEAKER_05 22:13

Yes, it is.

The Baseball Bet And Divorce

SPEAKER_03 22:14

But that I was willing to move on with him. I could I said I could forgive him. No, he wanted to keep going. He said there's only two months left in the bet, and he's so close. He said anyway, the I won't read the rest of the post, but the long and short of it is he would not budge on it, and she divorced him.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Oh man.

SPEAKER_03 22:50

All for a baseball. Now here's my here's my question though.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

So the original post is am I the asshole?

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Do you think she should have left him? That's my question. He's the asshole. This is an asshole thing to do. Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Yeah, definitely she's not the asshole. But I definitely think this dude has a lot of his priorities in the wrong spot. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

I have to believe that this isn't the only issue. Because I feel like if this was literally the only thing, even though this is a big thing, and like it's weird.

SPEAKER_06 23:36

It's real fucking weird.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

This is it, this is a horrible thing to put your partner through with no explanation for what I think. With no concept, was apparently ten months. Apparently ten months of this.

SPEAKER_00 23:49

How do you put up with that?

SPEAKER_03 23:51

Yeah. I'm amazed that she got this far into it without having some sort of intervention. How do you make it ten months into this and not say I don't know that I could make it a week of this without saying like we gotta do something?

SPEAKER_01 24:08

I'm not doing it home anymore. How do they even know if he's doing it at home, though? You know what I'm saying? Huh? Well, this account, apparently. Because like I was thinking about that when I heard the first time, I'm like, why didn't he just tell his wife, like, hey, I'm doing this bet for this thing, and I have to do this shit in public? Everyone's who's recording.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

Well, he's a well, right, his friend is holding him accountable, and he he's recording videos of him doing this to his wife at home and sending them to his friend.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Right. Oh, yeah. Right, right. Right, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 24:44

But what I would do in this situation is basically what Doug is is suggesting, and tell my wife and be like, I'm gonna record videos, and you just have to pretend to be really upset by this.

SPEAKER_06 24:55

Just go with it. Yeah, like just yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:59

Why why that you wouldn't do that is beyond me.

unknown 25:03

Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:06

Right.

SPEAKER_06 25:08

That's okay, divorce, divorce because of stupidity. Yes, 100%. Like seeing somebody recognize a situation and go, I'm gonna choose the worst possible way to go about this. That is worth the divorce for sure. But like the I but yes, no context, baby voice for for me for a week. I'm like, yeah, I'm done, man.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

I I'd be annoyed after a day of it, after the second day. Oh something I would know something was up.

SPEAKER_06 25:39

Like stars aligned, right? Like if it was framed as a like, I've got a bunch of these different like traumas going on in my life, or like there's something going on at home, or like it with my family. Like, if there were a bunch of allowances to give, I think a month is about what I could do. I don't know. But if it was just normal, like this is just a yeah, there's absolutely fucking Tuesday and you decide to start talking to me like a baby, like I'm out, I'm done, I'm out.

SPEAKER_03 26:07

There's no way in hell it would take me 10 months to reach the place where I'm making a Reddit post of it. Right! Asking for assistance.

SPEAKER_06 26:14

Yeah, she's a saint for that one. Yeah. A saint or a fucking idiot? Like what are you like what?

SPEAKER_02 26:24

I don't know. This is a wild one though. Yeah, that one that one's not really crazy.

SPEAKER_06 26:32

That gave me a visceral reaction. Like that made me so physically upset.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

It's um Bro, what are you doing?

R/WorstInventions Showcase

SPEAKER_03 26:41

Yeah. My other ones are well, I have one that's fairly short. Where are we at on time? 30 minutes. Alright, Jason, do you have another one?

SPEAKER_06 26:51

Yeah, I've got another one, and then this one's way like this is more loose form than anything. It's more of a sub it's a Reddit in hole, I guess. Um, that I think you guys will appreciate a lot. Um so I was I was looking for um I had the the serial killer one, and I decided, you know what, maybe I'll bring some light in life to everyone's life instead of just sadness and despair. Um, so I found R worst inventions, which is a lot of it's it's a ton of fun. Um, it's it's a lot of really old inventions, like industrial revolutionary uh era, where like steam power was first realized, and there's a lot of schematics with what you can do with that. Um, one of the first things you'll see when you go through r/slash worst inventions is a schematic for a steam-powered child beating machine. Yep. It is uh it's written in it looks like Italian with a bunch of footnotes, but it does give you the diagram of how it works with the hot coals and the levers that happen as the steam operates the the uh the switches that go up and down, and they you don't have to lay a hand on your children, you can just let this machine beat them for you. Yeah, oh yeah, you tie them to these stone chairs, like it's you know, perfectly fine. Um yeah, that's one of the things you'll see on these this worst inventions. One of my other I I laughed for a solid two minutes when I saw this. It's called the Safety Conscious Sea Going Passenger, and it's an invention from 1873, and it seems like a reinforced barrel that has a tiny fucking hammock inside of it and a candle. So if you you know are on a boat and it sinks and then also get attacked by a whale, uh, you're fine. You're just in a barrel. You just you wear it the whole time that you're on the cruise, you put your arms in there, your legs stick out the bottom, and if you're in danger of water happening, you just suck your head and your legs into the top and the bottom, respectively. You seal them shut, and you don't move for days. It's perfect. No air, no nothing. It's great. Um, so what else is there? Um, there's submarine guns where somebody decided they whenever I'm I'm guessing this is when the submarine came out, they decided to devise a way to put a cannon inside a submarine, which I don't understand why that would be a thing. Um, but here we are. Cannon inside a submarine.

SPEAKER_03 29:28

It seems like that could backfire literally in a lot of ways.

SPEAKER_06 29:32

Literally, that's what I'm saying. Like, why why this is again it's a it's a drawing, it's a diagram, which means somebody went through the fucking efforts of trying to make it make sense. And like I I can even see the little hatch to to block the water. It's like it's too much thought went into something that was never meant to do that. Okay, I don't need to get buried in this because I have a lot of questions about the campus subreddit. Matt, you would have a field day on the subreddit. I mean, obviously, like the shake weights in here. Um, and there's also a bunch of weird videos of inventions that will leave you more handicapped than when you started, like the weirdest inventions that will leave you toothless. Um there's a uh there's an overview of you uh useless inventions, and one of those that's touched on is the uh it's it's basically a giant vibrating tube that you stick between your boobs while you sleep to keep your metabolism active all night.

unknown 30:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 30:37

Is that does that make sense to everyone here? We all on board with that.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

It's titty shake week kind of pretty much where it's like those uh those machines from like the 80s where they had there was like a belt and you would like sit in it and they would just shake you violently.

SPEAKER_06 30:52

Yeah, but it would just vibrate the shit out of you because that's what people thought kept your immediate like your metabolism going. Right, yeah. But that uh there was no sense.

SPEAKER_01 31:01

That makes so much sense now. I I was literally watching an episode of X-Files and it was it like obviously it's like early 90s, uh well, mid-90s, whatever you want to call it. Um, but there's a part where they're like getting a hotel room and Scully gets on the bed and like puts the quarter in the fucking thing, and the whole bed starts shaking. And I was like, damn, I haven't seen one of those in ages.

SPEAKER_06 31:23

Oh, yeah. I mean, they're supposed to be very relaxing, but also like that's such a like why is it? I feel like I'd be really annoyed. I'd be scrolled across lay still Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump booty shorts. Skin colored, their skin. Let me be let me be very specific here. It is their skin colored booty shorts. So Trumps is like shit stained on the back, or like shit stain orange and like wildly unhealthy red-ish, and Vladimir Putin's more like a grayish brown because he's pasty and a piece of shit. Oh, look at this. It's a it's an ultrasound pickle cutting knife. Look at that. That's great. For only a hundred bucks, you can buy a champagne opener. Hell yeah. Solid. Yeah. This is so if you ever if you just if you need some time to realize that you're doing life much, much more better than everyone around you who's buying this fucking bullshit. Um, yeah, visit r slash worst inventions because it's it's kind of hilarious because a lot of these things actually made a lot of sales, such as the pizza pouch, which is a laminated plastic pouch for pizza at events.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Question I love the pizza pouch. You gotta for one slice. That's it. You gotta have it ready to go right on your neck. But it's only one slice.

SPEAKER_03 32:55

That's what the pouch and the hood, your hoodie's for, right?

SPEAKER_06 32:57

You just well, that's why jeans. Spaghetti pouch, actually. Well, yeah, okay. Actually, yeah, there's a hierarchy though. There's baked beans, there's spaghetti, and there's pizza. And it depends on if you have all three, there's a whole hierarchy of where it goes. That should be a whole bonus episode.

SPEAKER_01 33:13

Beans are pockets, pizza is pouch, spaghetti is hoodie pouch.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

What's that little?

SPEAKER_06 33:20

I would say it's pizza if you have the other two, pizza's fanny pack.

SPEAKER_03 33:24

What's that little smaller pocket inside your jeans pocket for?

SPEAKER_06 33:28

Then oh, the one that's for like lighters, I think.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Uh that's for a single MM.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

Oh, okay. That makes sense. It's gonna melt.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:41

I like out of all the foods.

SPEAKER_03 33:43

All the foods that was the one I took in. It's gonna melt.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

You're like, ew, dude.

SPEAKER_06 33:51

Yeah, everything that we just said is fine. But the singular MM in somebody's jeans is like, oh fuck.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

Grouch. You gotta dig it out fucking with like a pinky, it's so small, you know.

Men, Potatoes, And Parents

SPEAKER_06 34:03

Fucking oh my god. Alright.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

I like it.

SPEAKER_06 34:10

All of mine, that's all I got. It's a collection of fucking stupid bullshit. What's up, Matt?

Quantum Immortality Explained

SPEAKER_03 34:15

All of mine have a theme, and it's basically just men ruining their girlfriends' lives. Um I got I got one I'll keep for the end because it's iconic. And then I I will read this one. Alright, it's a Today I fucked up post 11 years ago by not no potato. Today I fucked up by enraging the parents of my girlfriend by pretending not to know what a potato is. Let me tell you that I have made a bad mistake this evening. My girlfriend said I am invited to dinner with her and her parents. I was very aghast, nervous and bashful to be invited to such a situation, but I knew it must be done. For uh first off, this person is all obviously not a native English speaker. It's not bad, but the way they write things. Anyway, I met them nicely, I should tell you, and it started off in a good way. The idea slapped my mind that I should do a comic bit to make a good impression and become known to them as a person who was amusing. When I saw that baked potatoes were served, I got the idea that it would be very good if I pretended I did not know what potatoes was. That would be funny. Well let me tell you, backfired on my face. I'll tell you how. So first, when the potato became on my plate, I acted very interesting. I showed an expression on my face so as to seem that I was confused, astounded, but in a restrained way, curious and interested. They did notice, and seemed confused, but did not remark. So I asked, This looks very interesting. What is this? They stared at me, and the mother said, It's a baked potato, and I was saying, Oh, interesting. A baked what was it again? And she was all like a potato, and I was like, A potato? Oh, interesting. Never heard of a potato. Looks pretty good. And then they didn't see I was clowning, but they thought I really did not know what is a potato. So I knew I would be very ashamed, humiliated, depressed, and disgusted if I admitted to making a bad joke. So what I did was to act as if it was not a joke, but I committed to the act of pretending I didn't know what a potato is. They asked me, very incredulous, did I really not know what a potato is? That I never heard of a potato? I went with it and told them yes, I did not ever even hear of a potato. Not only had I never eaten a potato, I had never heard the word potato. This went on for a bit, and my girlfriend was acting very confused and embarrassed by my fucked up antics. And then the more insistent I was about not knowing what a potato is was, then when parents starting thinking I did not know what I did know what a potato was. Well, let me tell you, I had to commit 100% at this point when I would not admit to knowing what a potato was. The father especially began to get annoyed. At one point, he said something like, Enough is enough. You're fucking with us. Admit it. And I said, Sir, before today, I never heard of a potato. I still don't know what a potato is, other than some kind of food. I don't know what to tell you. Well, let me tell you, he got very annoyed. I decided to take a bite of the potato, and when I did, I made a high-pitched noise and said, Tastes very strange. That is when the father started yelling at me, and the mother kept saying, What are you doing? And my girlfriend went to some other room. Finally, the father said, I should get the fuck out of his house. And I said, It was irrational to treat me like this just because I never heard of a potato before. Well, let me tell you, he didn't take that kindly. Now in text messages, I have been telling my girlfriend I really don't know what a potato is. The only way I can never get out of this is for them to buy that I don't know what a potato is. I wish I never started it, but I can't go back. I think she'll break up with me.

SPEAKER_06 38:06

If you ever wanted to know the difference between men and women, I think it's dedication to stupid shit. Like that.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

What the fuck? Yeah, so that's solid. That's a classic one. I've I've also heard that one before.

SPEAKER_03 38:27

It's pretty good. It's it wouldn't be that great if it wasn't written the way it's written. Correct. Correct.

SPEAKER_00 38:35

Uh who was phoned? Was there an update?

SPEAKER_03 38:40

Alright, Doug. It is with yours.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:44

Yeah, so I have uh less of a post. I am gonna read one post just because I think it uh encompasses a good topic of discussion. But I was kind of going down some rabbit holes and I came across a subreddit uh called R slash Quantum Immortality. Hell yeah. Are you guys familiar with quantum immortality? I've stumbled upon that, Matt. Matt, do you know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Uh it sounds familiar, and I but I don't remember what it is.

SPEAKER_01 39:21

Okay, so I'm sure everyone listening wants to know as well. So uh I'm gonna say a bunch of words, and if you choose to understand what I say, that's fine. Um, so quantum immortality is a theoretical concept uh suggesting that concise beings always survive life-threatening quantum-based events. And if you don't know what a quantum-based event is, it is a physical occurrence at the atomic or subatomic scale that violates classical physics law, often involving wave function, atomic or subatomic uh sorry, wave function collapse, superposition, or tunneling. These events are intrinsically probabilistic, discrete, and mark a fundamental change, such as an electron orbital shift, photon absorption, or particle emission.

SPEAKER_05 40:11

Um yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Exactly. So um, so I'm gonna reread this other part. So basically, this concept is that a conscious being always survives a life-threatening quantum-based event, um, ensuring their personal consciousness continues indefinitely in some, if not all, branching parallel universes. Uh, it's a thought experiments based on the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, and it's often linked with the idea of quantum suicide, um, which I will go over in a minute. So, this was popularized by a physicist named Max Tegmark, um, which he built off the W or MWI model. Probably not. Um he's just a theory. I don't know how that's stupid. Um, so, anyways, uh basically isn't real. You're probably right, actually. Um, but this suggests that every quantum event branches into uh branches reality into multiple universes. Um, if an individual faces a lethal situation triggered by a quantum event, um the universe splits. One branch results in death while the other allows for survival. Uh, because the observer cannot experience their own death, their consciousness only continues into the universe where they survive. Um, the theory suggests that regardless of how low the probability, a version of you will always exist to experience survival, leading to a form of subject immortality. Um, now this plays on the quantum suicide uh theory, which is a thought experiment that proposes that under the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, a person performing a fatal experiment will always survive from their own perspective. Because the universe splits into branches where they die and others where they live, the observer's conscious will continuously be in these in their surviving timeline, um, creating a subject experience of quantum immortality.

SPEAKER_03 42:17

That's a wild idea. This is okay. This is wild. I didn't know this. I didn't know this, but I love this idea.

SPEAKER_05 42:24

I isn't it so crazy? It's just fucking amazing.

SPEAKER_03 42:26

It's basically saying that if this theory is true, you cannot experience death. It is impossible for you to do it.

SPEAKER_06 42:33

Because you always exist in the yes, you always follow the choice timeline where you survive because that's the only state where your consciousness can exist. That's so good.

SPEAKER_01 42:46

This is where the Reddit's gonna get kind of crazy. So let me finish this part, and then I'm gonna read some reddit for the first time. This is so cool. And no, I know it it's I love it. It's this I was I was reading this for like literally like two hours the other day. Keep talking. So um, so this this theory does not suggest that the physical body lasts forever, but rather that a conscious living version of that person exists always somewhere. Keep that in mind. That's that's crazy. Oh so think of that possibility while I finish this out. Okay, so many scientists view this as a philosophical, not practical, implication of quantum mechanics rather than like a testable scientific theory. Obviously, it's pretty out there. Um, but it does raise questions about the like nature of your consciousness and whether it might be forced to endure extremely old, frail, or torturous life states. Um, and the concept is highly debated and often considered uh kind of like a farce in the theoretical world. Um, so that being said, if you go to slash r quantum immortality, there's some pretty fun posts. You see a lot of posts where it's like, oh, I almost died. Now I feel weird, and like there's different Different things now. I feel like I'm seeing things that like it kind of actually blends into um fuck what's the word I'm looking at the Mandela effect where you went into this new reality where like things are just slightly different and like other people are realizing it too, which might mean that's like other people are connected from a reality you came from before. That's a whole other thing.

SPEAKER_03 44:21

So did I almost die in 2016?

The Degeneration Paradox

SPEAKER_01 44:25

Yep, you probably did die. Probably is the the whole point. Um, so I'm gonna read this post and then we can have our discussion because I know you guys want to fucking just start with. God, there's so much to talk about. Okay, so this post says uh degenerative disease and dying of old age. Those are the two things that kind of fuck this these two things kind of fuck me up with this whole situation and makes me like feel icky. But anyways, so it says the theory of quantum immortality is easily understandable when we think about death by accident, but pushed to its logical conclusion, it would always end in a sort of hellish, never-ending situation. Take for example, someone who is sick with a degenerative disease, the disease would slowly physically degrade the person to the point where their body just shuts down one day. This results in death. The consciousness of that person then goes into a timeline where this particular instant, the body is still capable of sustaining life, even if it's just for another minute or even just a few seconds. Eventually, the person dies again due to the degenerative illness, soon to be alive again in the same situation. The cycle would then go on and on, and every time the amount of time between death and resurrection would generally be diminished until one day there wouldn't be enough time in between for the consciousness to experience anything. But how long the cycle of death and rebirth could be going on before both events would finally collide, infinity, I guess we suppose the death of that person would appear as a very definite moment in time for an outside observer, but for the person experiencing it, it would be an endless cycle of being awakened into another timeline forever at a rate so fast that that person would be trapped in this process with absolutely no way whatsoever to escape this hellhole because not even death itself could free him. Same things goes for dying of old age, and then they say edit one grammar, sorry, edit two. I stumbled on a video explaining this a little bit better, and then they link a YouTube video, and then yeah, so this is like being born every nanosecond and feeling every emotion that comes with that.

SPEAKER_03 46:32

I don't think you would be born every nanosecond because you would never experience you as yourself would never experience the reality in which you don't exist, and so it would be a continuous stream to you. You would just degrade to the point where you live this hellish existence where you're still conscious but unw unable to do anything.

SPEAKER_01 46:54

So I get the the I get their example of like it going into another body that's about to die, but like what if one of those universes, the body recovers?

SPEAKER_03 47:03

My understanding of how this works is that every time something happens, there is a a s there's a possibility where it didn't happen. And so that splits the timeline, and so now there are two parallel running timelines wherein one one thing happened and one the other thing didn't happen. But the thing is, like, what if it's not physically possible for you to not die?

SPEAKER_06 47:28

So right, yeah, that's the and that's also I'll be Mike about this, honestly. We gotta bring some Mike to this episode. Um Mike actually tuned me into this this concept, which is so for like multiverse theory, where every time a decision is made, a new universe where the opposite decision is also made is just created, right? And that's like yes, that's a self-containing theory that we can analyze and discuss all we want. However, in that theory, that means you could have an instance where multiverse theory doesn't exist. Right?

SPEAKER_02 48:11

Which means none of it exists.

SPEAKER_03 48:13

Because it's not it's not a thing because you're thinking about it in the way that but that's a possibility. No, but you're thinking about things infinite No no no no Because you're thinking about things as a matter of your perception of what a thing is. A thing happening or a thing not happening is not there is no actual thing happening there. It's just your perception of the path that the universe is moving in. And so this really comes down to entropy because like everything everything that's different in one universe is different in another universe because atoms moved in a different way, and there's some there has to be some sort of difference in the entropy of each universe that is just causing atoms and things to shift around in a slightly different way. It's like the big the big bang, right? Like everything that we're experiencing is just a result of this domino effect that is created by some gigantic release of energy billions of years ago or trillions of years ago or whatever. And so there is no real solid concept of this is a thing that happened, this is a thing that didn't happen. It's more just things are matter is moving slightly differently. Like like like a thing happening, you getting hit by a car is not a quantum like a qubit. It is it it is a result of multiple forces. You get it, you get what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 49:48

Right. I no, I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_01 49:51

Because I don't know how like how all these different like theories play into this specific instance of quantum immortality. So it says the guy is responding to a person's post about uh them being in a car wreck and he feels like he died, and he's realizing that like he's feeling very disconnected and like disassociating and stuff a lot now, and that like there's subtle differences in his timeline and stuff, and this guy kind of like checks him a little bit, but he goes, If quantum immortality is real, which it probably is not, it is due to the constant branching of the universe known as deco uh decoherence, where your consciousness can only follow a branch in which you are able to have a conscious experience, i.e., ones where you are not dead. Um to give you a visual, imagine your life in it is a trail going through the woods where every decision you make, every chance encounter, every near-death experience is a fork in the trail. In the case of near-death experiences, let's imagine the left fork leads to instant death and the right leads to surviving. At the point where the two paths diverge, the universe splits into two separate universes where both outcomes play out. You'd only have a conscious experience and if you in a universe where you are conscious, so you always experience yourself taking the right fork that leads to survival. Um, you you do not take the left fork approach death and then magically get transported to a completely different trail in a different forest where you are alive. Your entire past before reaching the fork is still the same. You never experience the switch of timelines because your timelines never switch. And I think with that being said, you're never going to be in this new reality, so to say, where like things are just wildly different.

SPEAKER_03 51:33

Your brain's always going to be in a version of the current perceiving it as a constant timeline, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 51:39

Right. You don't you don't see the difference where you made the decision of like I'm gonna touch this live wire or not. You don't even see the part where you touched it and died.

SPEAKER_03 51:50

Yeah, these splits would be the right choice in the other one. This would never have any effect on your life, other than if it's if this is true, you're just gonna live until your brain degenerates to the point where it can't experience consciousness.

Sex Playlists And Cbat

SPEAKER_06 52:03

Like that means when you're done experiencing consciousness, that means all versions of you are done experiencing consciousness.

SPEAKER_03 52:11

Well, maybe not, because maybe the other version, maybe some version of you ended up in a place where they can just regenerate brain and body.

SPEAKER_06 52:20

But wouldn't you experience it?

SPEAKER_01 52:22

I think that's a different theory though. So like there's probably conscience, like so, like imagine like when we talk about the degenerative and like uh like old age one. Um obviously you can't really do much about old age, but there's probably there's probably like a a multiverse or whatever you want to call it, like a different dimension or whatever, where you're like somehow they have a cure for aging, but like you might never reach that one on the quantum immortality path. That would have to be like a whole separate no, it's not quantum.

SPEAKER_03 52:56

That's not a different thing. I don't think it is a different theory because I think what they're saying with the thing where you age until you can't experience reality anymore is like Imagine you get to old age and you die, you have a heart attack or whatever. There's some there is some possible scenario where because because you dying is not just a product of old age, it's a product of also the circumstances. Like your final heart attack that kills you or whatever is not just because you reached a s a specific point in time and your your heart just shut off. It's it's also what you ate that day. Did you have too much sodium? Did you have a beer? Did you what pressure, like what altitude are you at? So like you like the pre the ambient air pressure to has some effect on whether your heart can beat hard enough to push your blood or not. So like that would have an effect on it. Everything is like an it's like a compound of like all these different forces. And so there's some reality where one of those things is slightly different to the point where you could look live even 30 seconds longer. And so you would experience you're gonna experience the reality where you live that 30 seconds longer, and then when that next heart attack comes, you're gonna experience the reality where you live the next 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_06 54:17

But the thing the issue I take there's already evidence of the fact that that like when we uh when our brains are operating at uh our most critical levels where we're thinking about things that like matter to us, there's evidence that our brains actually access higher dimensions than just like the four we're fucking used to. You know what I mean? The four dimensions we're used to are what length, width, depth, and then time. So those are the four that we can get through with. Our brains apparently operate on much higher dimensions than that, and that makes sense when it comes to things when it like uh when you take mushrooms and it dissolves your dream barrier, and so when you're awake, you can see things that are not actually there. That doesn't make sense on like a physical level, unless your brain was able to do things outside of what physics says are possible. Does that make sense? Right. And so if you're taking that approach for your brain being able to operate on these levels of dimensions that we just can't comprehend, some of that does make sense because it it's explained away by we can't explain it, which sucks. It's a fucking stupid explanation, and I I I realize that, but I also understand that if me, someone who only understands things in four dimensions, if I'm trying to look at something that is 12 dimensions, there's no fucking way I'll be able to like tell that to someone, you know what I mean? I don't know. I feel like our brains are our closest ally, but also our worst fucking enemy.

SPEAKER_01 55:59

Well, that was interesting. That was fun though. I know I read a lot of random stories about people's like experience with it and like how they feel now and all this other stuff, and like it's really funny because like if this isn't true, which obviously who knows, but like there's just like sad people that like almost died, and now they're like, What happened, man? I'm living forever. Actually, one was really sad, and I I didn't want to read it, but I'll briefly bring it up. But uh, someone who tried to commit suicide, yeah, that's a downer.

SPEAKER_06 56:35

Dude, yeah, but also like it's it's a fucking enlightening, harrowing experience. Like it's it's I'm glad they're not actually dead, but if they do think they are dead neurologically, I don't like what's the difference, I guess. And it's just it's all of this is such a wild set of concepts.

SPEAKER_03 56:57

Do they think they're a glass of orange juice?

SPEAKER_06 57:02

Where's the time? I think it starts when we start convincing them that they are a glass of orange juice. I think that's where that timeline starts.

SPEAKER_03 57:14

Uh all right, all right. So I got one final one that and I've probably I've maybe brought this up before, but this is such a Reddit classic, and it goes perfectly in on theme with my other two, and so I've just got to bring it up. I'm not gonna read the whole post.

SPEAKER_01 57:27

Is it poop knife?

Sign-Off And Paranoid Wisdom

SPEAKER_03 57:29

No, it's not swamps of dagoba, and it's not I broke both my arms either. But what it is is today I fucked up a post three years ago by a guy named Tyler Life. Today I fucked up my 20 uh female girlfriend of two years told me the music that I, 25 male, play during sex is weird and a major turn off. And like I said, I'm not gonna read this whole post. It's deleted now. I love this one. What it comes down to is there's this song called C Bat, C B A T by Hudson Mohawk. And this guy I'm just gonna play a clip of it. Copyright be damned, please, and hope for the best. But um basically, what it is is this song that people in the comments described as sounding like dolphins having sex. And that is kind of what it sounds like. Um, it's like this weird techno. Like I said, I'll just play a clip of it.

SPEAKER_01 58:51

But anyway, this guy unironically, Mike likes the song.

SPEAKER_03 58:56

I th it's not that bad. Oh, yeah. No, that tracks. That makes so much. For like a year. This was my top Spotify song on Spotify two years ago. Because I okay, for people not in the Discord, my girlfriend just said this was your top song on Spotify like two years ago. Yes, it was, because I made a playlist that was just a hundred copies of this song and set it as my playlist for all my alarms.

SPEAKER_04 59:24

Every time I woke up for a year, it was just boot-doo, whit doo.

SPEAKER_03 59:32

But anyway, I haven't even gotten to the post yet. The point is please this song, this song was on what this guy wanted to have sex with this song so much that he insisted that they do it like every time, and she fucking hated the song. And it got to the point where she finally convinced him they had to break up because she finally convinced him to stop listening to the song during sex, and even then, when they would have sex, she could tell that he was like thrusting to the rhythm of the song. The beat. Yeah, she couldn't do it anymore, and that that's it. And once you hear the song, you'll understand why this is funny. But anyhow, maybe I brought this up on an episode at some point before, but if I haven't, now I have.

SPEAKER_06 1:00:17

All I'm hearing, I think you might have, but either way, it's still very all I'm hearing is macaroni chakrarone by El Moodle. Look at it with just some man-ass thrusting in the background.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:38

The vibe of the original post was like, I don't understand what her problem is, and everybody in the comments is just like, what is wrong with you? What the hell is your deal? A question I'd like the answer to, Matt. That's that's my that's my final send-off. Uh Jason, what do you got for the people?

SPEAKER_06 1:01:01

Um, as always, stay fucking paranoid. Um, you may be giving a ride to a serial killer who enjoys your teenage passengers way too much. So please, for the love of God, if you're in the middle of nowhere and you see a dangerous situation, tell someone for the love of fucking god. That's it.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:22

Talk to more.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:29

But somehow, all of the events in your life that you've ever chosen to do, up until a mere hour ago, led you here. If you keep soliciting the duty, you will survive.

SPEAKER_06 1:01:46

Apparently.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:49

Remember, kids, do whatever you want, you live forever.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:54

Thanks, ma'am. Um and I had a news story I was gonna put here, but it was rejected.