DLUTI 229 - SCPs: A Pool That Melts You And Interdimensional Baseball

This week, we're giving a sneak peak at what's going on over on our website/Patreon. Matt and Mike decide which of these SCPs would be the best hacker.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:19

Oh, we're recording. Welcome to Unplanned Potency.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Yeah, we're not gonna do that because you guys don't like it. So what do you mean they don't like it? Uh so I mean like half of our normal audience tuned in. Which, if you're half of that normal audience that tuned into those episodes during the holiday break, thanks.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

We appreciate it. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

But a lot of you were just like, nah. And that's fine.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

You know, no, no, no, no. Fuck you. If you're one of those people, go fuck yourselves. No, I don't matter. We don't care.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Um the numbers haven't come back up to close to where they were before the holiday break, though.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Hey, we did it. We're getting back to media.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

We're getting back to Z List podcast. Yeah. No.

SPEAKER_03 1:09

We're Z Y List. Z.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Z. Yeah. Z. Right. We should explain that.

SPEAKER_03 1:14

Yeah. So last time on Containment Corner Z, uh, everyone died. Because that's how the show goes.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Um we fired some bears out of a cannon.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

Yeah. You you you explain things better than I do. Why don't you do this?

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Alright. So this week, the main podcast people, you're getting a sneak peek into some of the new content that we're brilling out on the Patreon. So we used to have this thing called Containment Corner, uh, where we would read audio logs about SCPs, and you know what? That took a really long fucking time to edit.

SPEAKER_03 1:50

And may or may not have caused one of us to get into a mental state that is not good.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

That I don't really know if you fully recovered from. But um no, so so we're not doing that anymore. But we do like SCPs, they're fun, and and the people like SCPs. So we have dubbed what we're doing now as Containment Corner Z because it's the new generation of containment corner. And how it works is normally there's four of us, and everybody grabs an SCP off of the SCP wiki and shows up, and nobody else knows what it is, and everybody explains what their SCP is and talks about it, and then we make some decision about what we think the best SCP was, whether it was the most entertaining or not. We asked our patrons in the last Patreon episode for criteria for how to judge the SCPs. So if you have ideas about that, let us know. Because we don't want each one to be like what was the funniest or what was this what would be the strongest.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

Which would win in a fight.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

Yeah. What what would an idea I had would what would be best at planning your niece's birthday party? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

Just something like that. Which one uh which one would have a better uh success rate at selling you cable television or just something just give us some sort of criteria, something to work off of.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

So Tori left us a suggestion on the last episode, um, and one of them was which one has the best hacker skills. So I'm gonna extend that to just like which one is gonna be best equipped to handle hacking into something.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

So and another little extra extra little tidbit for for you people listening. Um, this, like Matt said, is a little little sample, little taste of what you can get if you uh you know go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash dilutipod or if you sign up on our website, diluti.com. Uh it's not just containment corner Z, we also brought back Cryptic Corner Z. And don't worry, I know what you're thinking. Uh what will they call the next round when they inevitably drop containment corner or cryptic corner again? Well, then it's containment corner GT and containment corner and we have to find something.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

We have to find a way to do this that's slightly worse and do GT. And then we'll just go back to doing this and call it super. Super.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

The GT one will be we have the name of the SCP and like a broad understanding, but we wing the rest of it. That's what GT will be.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

That would be kind of fun.

SPEAKER_03 4:32

It would just be winging it. GT could be like we take like you get the image of it, and that's it.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

And you have to make up what it is based on the name of it and the image, or we could each pick one for each other, take the thing, like Google translate it into Mandarin, and then back, and then send that to the other person.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

There we go. Hell yeah. That will be containment corner and crypto corner GT. Um, no, but yeah, we're we we're bringing back both in the same type of uh format. So we're really inside the same same core uh format with the categories and everything.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

So so yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

The first first round is already up. We already did a uh uh SCP corner and this obviously this one. Uh, but look out for a cryptid one uh coming up here this month. Next time on Cryptid Corner Z. Anyway, anyhow, let's get into what we got.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Yeah, I went well first last week, you go first this week.

SCP-100 Junkyard Construct Salesman

SPEAKER_03 5:32

Okay. So today I have SCP 100. Now I'm going about finding SCPs in the approach that Jason was like, you can't, you shouldn't do that because there's so many. I'm going like number one down, and I'm just looking for one that sounds the most interesting, and I'm just clicking on it. And this one kind of sparked my interest a little bit. So this is SCP 100. Its object class is Euclid. For those of you that aren't too familiar with uh SCP, there are some object classes. I don't remember all of them off the top, but uh Euclid means it basically if you don't fuck with it, it won't fuck with you. That's that's the very broad strokes of what Euclid means. Um that's not exactly the case, but it's like TLDR. Uh so special containment procedures. Here's how you here's how you keep this thing away from the public. SCP-100 is to have six guards patrolling the interior of the perimeter's fencing and two guards dedicated to the monitoring of the interior and exterior of both warehouses and the residential building with rotations to occur every three hours. Any unauthorized personnel found within SCP-100 are to be detained for questioning prior to amnestic administration and release. So they just fucking just bloop your memory and send you on your way. Three guards are to remain within the storefront of SCP-100 with rotations to occur every eight hours. The storefront entrance is to remain locked at all times with keys provided to necessary personnel. Quote unquote private property and no trespassing signs are to be posted on the front of the storefront to deter any drivers from stopping at SCP-100. Any constructs SCP-100-1 creates, which again, for those that don't know SCP, whenever there's a dash and a number at the end, it's kind of like a subcategory of the SCP. Like for example, if I have a piece of paper and it's SCP 10, and I rip off a piece, that piece is SCP 10-1. It's just it's a subcategory now of the main one. Um so any constructs SCP-100-1 creates are to be removed from SCP 100 and melted down into slag, with the exception of SCP 100-2-A and 2-B. Should SCP 100-1 become uncooperative, SCP-2A and 2B may be removed from 100 until the time that dash one becomes cooperative again. Confusing, I know. We'll get to what this means. The largest of the two warehouses within SCP-100 has been converted into a basic research facility. All objects created by SCP-100-1, excluding 2A and 2B, may be used for research purposes. Testing on dash one itself may only be conducted with written permission from the acting head researcher. Now that's a lot of dashes and whatnot that I said. So you're probably curious on what all these things are and what the fuck I'm talking about. So let's go into it.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

All I've got gathered so far is buildings and you have to guard them.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

There's so far we have four things. You have 100, 100-1, 100-2A, and 100-2-B. Four things you have to keep in mind.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

100-1 Dalmatians.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

So here's the description. SCP-100 is an abandoned scrapyard 80 kilometers from Blank, Redacted, South Carolina, known only as Jamaican Joe's Junkyard Jubilee. The scrapyard covers roughly 5,000 square meters of fenced-off land, consisting of two warehouses, a storefront, and a small residential building, as well as neglected land and land use for storage. SCP-100 holds roughly 1,500 vehicles, both pressed and unpressed, as well as roughly 1,400 kilograms of separate scrap, estimated to be worth roughly$5,000. SCP-100's anomalous effect manifests through 100-1 and its constructs, including 2A and 2B. Autonomy is lost when 100-1 or one of its objects cross the fenced perimeter of 100, remaining in this state until reintroduction. So basically, you heard that right. So if dash one if dash one or one of its objects leaves the vicinity of the perim of 100, yeah, it loses autonomy. So it just kind of what does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 10:31

It stops functioning controlling it. It does, it doesn't function at all.

SPEAKER_03 10:36

Yeah. If it leaves the facility, it stops functioning.

SPEAKER_00 10:39

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:44

Dash one is an autonomous, sapient, humanoid construct consisting mostly of copper piping, uninsulated copper wiring, and aluminum cans. 100-1 cracks the ability. That's why he's at the junkyard. Uh dash one lacks. Uh dash one lacks the ability for written or verbal communication. However, it possesses the ability to communicate using rudimentary sign language. Dash one is largely uninterested in conversation outside of sales, and information gathered from it has been limited. SCP-1 uh appears to possess skill in craftsmanship, demonstrating the ability to operate tools such as an arc welder, drills, and power saws, and as well as heavy machinery such as car compressors and forklifts.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Dash one possesses the ability shop inside this.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

They kind of are. So Dash One possesses the ability to create autonomous constructs similar to itself, using material available within uh SCP-100. SCP-100-1 tends to create four specific animals iguanas, crocodiles, turtles, and flamingos. Every Florida junkies what dream here. However, I mean it is South Carolina, so we're about the same panhandle. Um, however, SCP-100-1 has been known to craft other species such as domestic pets. To maintain compliance, SCP-100-1 has been allowed to keep two objects labeled 2A and 2B. 2A and 2B are constructs superficially resembling insects, assumed to be created by 100, as they have occupied SCP-100 since the initial discovery of SCP-100. The names Raymond and Beatrice are welded onto the backs of 2A and 2B respectively, respectively. Beatrice, yes. They appear to operate as both companions as well as guards for SCP-100 as they patrol the perimeter of SCP-100, except during intervals of interaction with SCP-100-1. Now, there's a decent amount more here. Um but what I want to read, let me find it, let me find it, let me find it. Um you know what honestly, I could probably just fucking I could finish this off. It's like three more paragraphs. That's easy peasy stuff. Um SCP-1 appears to follow a ritualistic schedule, repeating the same actions daily. Uh this is all in military time, and I don't really know what it is, so figure it out your fucking self. You fucking figure it out. From 0800 to 1500, Dash One enters a storefront of SCP-100, seating itself behind a counter and attempting to bargain with any humans within the storefront. Occasionally, Dash One will return to the yard prematurely for reasons unknown. From 1500 to 1600, Dash One interacts with 2A and 2B, communicating uh using vague hand and arm gestures. Interaction tends to consist of grooming, repair, grooming, repair, and active activities resembling fetch and hide and seek. From 1600 to 100.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

It's insect dogs.

SPEAKER_03 14:06

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. From 1600 to uh 20 to 2000, whatever that time is, um, SCP-1 performs various tasks, including taking stock of material within 100, cleaning and maintaining tools and heavy machinery, and cleaning the interiors and exteriors of buildings present within 100. From 2000 to uh zero time, uh zero door thirty, uh SCP-100-1 performs what is assumed to be leisurely X, ranging from creating new constructs, interacting with 2A and 2B, and patrolling 100. From O to 0800, dash one enters residential building or remains seated at a desk for the duration of time. Now, this is my favorite part. So in go ahead. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

So he goes to work.

SPEAKER_03 14:57

Yeah. Yeah, it just goes to work.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

I like that he tries to sell you.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Right.

SPEAKER_03 15:03

In the event that a human enters a storefront of 100, during the interval of time, SCP-1 is seated behind the counter. Dash one will attempt to bargain with them using a variety of gestures to convey the meaning. Most attempts by Dash One are all to sell scrap, uh, or figures of its own creation or repair services. However, it has been known to purchase scrap. Despite SCP-100-1's inability to read, it possesses the ability to perform basic mathematics and demonstrate as demonstrated by sales.

unknown 15:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

Now which is pretty, I mean, that's like your local auto zone guy, basically.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

I could put new air filter in for$70.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

I can punch the code into the computer.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

Yeah. Uh sales made by Dash One are typically met with some degree of unfairness. Dash One has been known to intentionally use faulty scales and catanimate scrap piles with cheaper metals, and has a demonstrated knowledge of the area effect within 100, as Dash One has sold constructs repeatedly despite the loss of autonomy when exiting 100. Efforts to confront Dash One about this have been met with both distress and indifference, with referral to a sign posted on the wall reading, no refunds, Mon. No refunds, Mon. No refunds, Mom. Happening regardless of Dash One's emotional response. So he's just gotta the science says no refunds. 100 was discovered on November 9th, 1976, following reports of strange machines operating from within the scrapyard. These rumors were discredited as urban legends, and the foundation agent was sent to 100 to act as the landlord unit containment uh to act as the landlord uh until containment was performed under the guise of property sale. A wooden privacy fence was built along the former perimeter of 100. One-way windows were installed in the storefronts, and a highway now running through the nearby town redirects the majority of civilian traffic. Um, that is pretty much what I have here. There are some addendums, and there's some other like little mini like stories here basically about how people were haggled and ripped off into buying shitty scrap from Dash One, and when they go back, he gets upset at them and uh will not refund them their money.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

So so he's just a copper animatron man who is a shitty junkyard salton. Yeah, who works at his junkyard and has pet insect dogs or scraps dogs.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

Correct, named Beatrice and the other one. What is the other one? Uh Raymond.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Okay. Well, that's pretty good. That's very similar to your you know what he needs. He needs that plaque from your other He does.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

He does need the plaque, he deserves it. He is employee of the month.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

I guess non-members, uh, if the the previous SCP episode, Mike had Mike's SCP was a plaque, an employee of the month plaque that if you put it on a wall for 30 days, you get a good employee.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

You get a random employee that shows up and does a good job, but after that, he sucks. He just starts to suck. So if anything, this just tells me that we all need to go down to Jamaican Joe's Junkyard Jubilee and have a good time with Copper Man here.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Okay. You know? Yeah. Is there something with Jamaicans and scrapyards or something that I'm not is that a reference I'm not understanding? Or like a racial thing.

SPEAKER_03 18:39

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

I'm not understanding.

SPEAKER_03 18:41

I don't know. I don't I've never heard of it outside of this. It's just a little detail.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:47

No refunds mode. No refunds bond.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Okay. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

I like I would extend it if I was writing this SEP to him building like dudes who go steal cars, and he's like running at a chop sta at a chop shop. And that's like how they discover this is happening because cars keep disappearing.

SPEAKER_03 19:12

They caught copper men stealing catalytic converters.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:19

That's a great addendum. I enjoy that a lot.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Um, okay. So so my first one is pretty long, but I think it's worth it.

SCP-2206 Alternate Universe Baseball Broadcast

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

And maybe I'll skip some of the details because the I the general idea here is fairly simple. But it's it's a goodie. So my SCP is SCP-2206. Object class Euclid. Special containment procedures. Containment of SCP-2206 is currently unfeasible due to the number and distribution of its broadcasting locations. To combat growing public awareness of SCP-2206, a mass disinformation campaign has been launched with the goal of disguising SCP-2206 as a work of fiction. To this end, the following actions have been, will be, and or are continuing to be taken. The creation of a fictional website for SCP-2206, describing it as a radio show parodying popular sports talk radio. The creation of SCP-2206 merchandise sold through an online storefront on the aforementioned website. The creation of advertisements for SCP-2206, mimetically engineered to decrease listeners' willingness to believe that SCP-2206 is anything other than a work of fiction. The staging of live sports shows emulating SCP-2206 broadcasts performed by Mobile Task Force Lambda 30, aka Sportscasting Performers. Efforts to locate and neutralize the source of SCP-2206 are ongoing. Description SCP-2206 is a series of radio broadcasts that began occurring throughout the continental United States in 2008. These broadcasts mainly occurred during the local evening, usually coinciding with a region's baseball games. While it is possible to trace individual instances of SCP-2206 back to their apparent broadcasting locations, no source has been found for them. It's currently theorized that SCP-2206 is an inter-universal broadcast from an alternate universe significantly different from our own. The content of 2206 is a sports commentary and discussion show. While the focus of this show is a sport referred to as baseball, the sport is significantly different from any known version of baseball played on Earth. These differences include batters did not receive walks, the only way to get on base is to successfully hit the ball. Bats are constructed from aluminum or lightweight composites instead of northern white ash, wood typically used in the construction of professional level bats, a larger playing field. The distance between bases has been stated as being 180 feet. While the distance between home plate and the furthest point of the back wall has been given as sixteen hundred feet, which is a really long way. Really big. It's like a third of a mile. High strength fences of great height entirely surround the field for protection of spectators. On-field fights between opposing teams are common, expected, and considered a legitimate manner of contesting an umpire's call. Serious injuries and fatalities are significantly more common. Use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs is mandatory.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Players are highly divergent from baseball baseline humans. Genetically modified and cybernetically enhanced humans, sapient, ectomorphs, androids, and other anomalous humanoids are present in some combination on all teams. Fan superstitions appear to be capable of actually affecting the outcome of a game. The commentators for SCP-2206, who are by all indications baseline humans, treat these differences as usual and normal, providing commentary very similar in tone and style to that of a normal sports talk radio show. The following teams are known to currently play SCP-2206 baseball, and there is a complete table of the team, the league that they're in, and then our universe's corresponding team, and then a description of the what this team's deal is. So an example is we have the Atlanta Aztecs, who are the equivalent of the Atlanta Braves. In lieu of an opening pitch, the team starts their home games by ritually sacrificing a B-list celebrity.

SPEAKER_03 23:34

I was hoping that they would have funnier names for these. Like, is there is there more? Did you say there's more names?

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Oh, yeah. So we got the Houston Colt 45s, singularly responsible for the 1972 ban on the use of firearms during play. And then we got the Montreal Volcanoes, which are the Washington Nationals. Their home games are played inside an active volcano. This resulted in the incineration of the entire team, along with their opponents, the Toronto Razors, and the thousands of spectators when the volcano erupted during the game of five of the 2005 Pearson Cup.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

There's just a bunch of this is how sports should be.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Yeah. The Tampa Bay Devils players' salaries are paid in human souls. The Texas Renegades in 1993, the entire team quit baseball and formed a basketball team only to return to baseball in 1995.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

Oh, so it's Michael Jordan, the team.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

The Seattle Autopilots are the team's roster includes two self-driving cars, four unmanned aerial vehicles, and three autonomous vacuum cleaners. It's unknown how they are able to play baseball.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

So if you want more of these, there's a more figure, but they figured it out. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 24:52

So that's uh SCP. SCP-2206. It's a baseball the MLB from another dimension. And it's leaking into ours. And I really enjoy the idea that they're staging mock games to make it look like this is happening.

SPEAKER_03 25:11

I really, I really like this is how sports should be to an extent in real life. I always thought it would be super funny and very worthwhile for us to have like what I would call the Super Olympics, which is yeah, take your guy, inject him full of whatever the fuck you want. Didn't they do that? Make him as did they? Yeah. Oh. Hell yeah. Where it's just like Roid them up, do whatever you want with them. It's no holds barred. Just go crazy.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

That's a thing they did recently. The enhanced games, yes. How it is. It hasn't happened yet. It's scheduled for May of this year.

SPEAKER_03 25:48

Oh fuck, dude. We should watch that.

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Yeah, my understanding of this is um yeah, basically exactly what you're saying. They're having some they're having the Olympics in Nevada and they're just letting you just do whatever the fuck you want. What does it say? It does state in the Wikipedia article I'm reading that cocaine and heroin will not be allowed.

SPEAKER_03 26:12

Uh that's but meth. They didn't say meth. This is how you get the super soldier serum in real life, because eventually governments are gonna be like putting or co companies putting a big money into this and they're gonna perfect and make the ideal serum steroid to give to their guy.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

Now this begs a question though. Like it says FDA approved substances, but stuff like human growth hormone is FDA approved, but does it does the athlete have to have a medical reason for using it? Or do they just like it's it's a thing you can get, so fuck it.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

Oh no, that's a good question. I don't have a good answer. I don't either. You probably look it up. Probably look it up.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

But anyway, yeah, it's happening.

SPEAKER_03 27:07

I that I enjoy yours. I don't know how well it would do when it comes to hacking. Yeah. But then again, mine's not all that great either.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

He seems crafty though. So like, but I he does know basic mathematics. So but if you put a computer in front of him, is he just gonna be like, nah, I don't need the those new fancy fucking computer systems.

Real-World Enhanced Games Tangent

SPEAKER_03 27:27

You might try to sell it to you, actually. Right. Maybe I enjoy I I I like yours a lot though. I like that concept of we we stumbled across listening to an other dimension fucking sports. That's very funny to me. I like that a lot. That's pretty good. All right. I I also have two SCP-230, otherwise known as the gayest man alive.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

Oh, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:52

So this object class is Euclid. Special containment procedures. SCP-230 is kept in a secure room on site redacted. The room must have a controlled ventilation system so that air exiting the room can be properly filtered before it re-enters the regular ventilated system of the complex. SCP-230 is to be given anything he requests and does not violate standard procedures for SCP containment. The door is set to automatically lock every time it is close, it closes and can only be opened from outside the room. Personnel entering 230's room must wear a full hazmat suit with its own oxygen supply. Guys, it's not the 80s anymore. Okay, you can touch a gay person. It's fine. You don't need to do all this, SCP. Personnel exposed to the air in SCP's uh 230 cell or who come in physical contact with 230 or any of 230's bodily fluids must be contained and held for observation for no less than one month. Personnel still exhibiting symptoms from 230 after one month are to be terminated. If personnel are cleared by on-site staff after a month, they are then to be transferred and forbidden contact with 230. Due to recent events, subjects have been exposed and cleared by staff are required to undergo regular psychological exams. If upon exam the person the personnel exhibits any of the traits shown in document 230-4436B, the personnel is to be terminated. Description. SAP 230 is a male Caucasian with a lean body and god appearance. 230 is six foot one tall uh and 150 pounds. Man, this this is a twink if I've ever seen one.

SPEAKER_00 29:30

What do you he's tall though? You're talking about the gayest man on earth is six one.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

Yeah, six four six four, two eighty, you know.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

6'4, 280.

SCP-230 The Euphoria Sweat Hazard

SPEAKER_03 29:41

Appears to be in his early 30s. He wears bright clothing and prefers the colors the colors pink and yellow. 230 is a very cheerful individual who appears to be incapable of negative emotions. 230 secretes a chemical similar decomposition to heroin from his pores. The chemical has been named compound redacted. Once secreted from his pores, it evaporates immediately and contaminates the air around 230. Compound redacted seems to be effective in as little as 30 parts per million in gaseous form. When inhaled, the compound causes extreme euphoria in subjects. Analysis on Class D personnel under the effects of 230 indicated that they had dopamine levels greater than five times what is expected during sexual climax. Subjects express impairment similar to the effects of heroin. Subjects become willing to comply with any request 230 makes, provided it does not involve leaving 230's presence. Compound is present in all of 230's bodily fluids. Exposure is possible even by contact with 230's skin. Exposure to the compound will result in immediate addiction. Withdrawal symptoms are extreme and have a 30% mortality rate. Symptoms include loss of appetite, tremors, panic, vomiting, diarrhea, irritability, dementia, insanity, blindness, and hemorrhaging. Those symptoms vary from subject to subject. Symptoms typically last for around two weeks before subsidizing or subsiding. The symptoms appear to be determined by how much of the compound the subject is exposed to. Subjects that have ingested any of 230's bodily fluids, i.e. saliva, blood, etc., have mortality rate from withdrawal of 100%. 230 was found in an apartment in Redacted with 20 people acting as his servants. 230 seemed to be actively attempting to limit the number of people he exposed. Several bodies of exposed persons were found on the premises. When questioned about them, 230 replied, things were getting crowded, so I had to ask a few of them to stop breathing. 230 appears to be under the effects of the compound, but doesn't seem impaired by it in any way. Attempts to alter SCP-230's mood have proven ineffective. Use of various drugs known to cause depression only result in 230 producing more of the compound and thus were ineffective. 230 is a very friendly individual and will candidly engage in conversation with any personnel. 230 is unaware of how or when he began secreting the compound. When questioned about his past, 230 replied that he has been secreting the compound as long as he can remember. 230 prefers to talk about the things he considers good or gay. 230 has some psychological attachment to the word gay. When asked to describe himself, 230 used the word gay six times, gay four times, and the word gayest once. When SCP-230 referred to himself as the gayest man alive. Note from the head doctor. 230's preoccupation within the word gay has nothing to do with sexual orientation. 230 doesn't appear to have a sexual orientation due to lack of interest in sex entirely. This makes sense, seeing as 230 experiences the same amount of pleasure doing any given activity, making sex unnecessary. So he just means gay as and he's the happiest man alive. And I really enjoy that for this man. I know, right? This is a pretty fun time. I chose this one over my other one. And if again, if we have time later on, I'll I'll do the other one because it's just not there's really nothing to it. It's pretty bland. I just like the concept of it, but I I think this one's concept is way more fun.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Yeah, this is fun. I like it.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

Just a dude that's sweating heroin, and everyone will around him wants it.

SPEAKER_00 33:34

I think yeah, and I think the thing is I would just hang out with this guy. Right? Because it makes you feel really good, right? And obviously he's having a good time, so he's gonna enjoy your presence, and like you said, he's really friendly. And like maybe at some point he's gonna make you stop breathing. But you know what? You're gonna enjoy it, and so it's gonna be good right up to the end.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Yep. Yeah, you're having a good time, especially because he can just persuade you to die. Like he told those people to stop breathing, they just did it happily, happily. So you're just this guy's a vibe from from beginning to end. You're just you're going out on top. And I'm here for it, dude. Gayest man alive, more like the greatest man alive, you know what I mean? Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Imagine the good he can do at like an old folks' home, you know? Like a hospital, like a hospice. You're dying, touch. Alright, well, now you're going out with a bang. Touch, now you're going out with a bang. This guy would be w get him on payroll, hospice. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 34:39

Withdrawal symptoms that kill you though seem bad. Could they like bottle this serum somehow and like give it to people?

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Oh, I'm sure. Q that song where it's like uh uh Q seeing like bottles and bottles in a factory, and just hear like and they're all just going down, getting boxed up.

SPEAKER_00 35:02

He's just Slurms McKenzie.

SPEAKER_03 35:04

He is. No, he's the queen, not Slurms McKenzie. Anyway.

SCP-3313 Benjamin Franklin's Reality Penis

SPEAKER_00 35:09

Is there more here? Or were you done? No, that's that's it. I'm done. Okay. All right, hell yeah. I like that one. Alright, the next one I got is SCP-3313. Object class gator. Special containment procedures. SCP-3313 is, once recovered, to be kept in a high-value containment chamber on the floor 46 of Site 88. This chamber should utilize at least two of the extant overlapping Scranton reality anchor fields on that floor to suppress the reality-altering effects of SCP-3313. Individuals are not allowed to come into direct physical contact with SCP-3313. Communications from any national or private space program's orbital assets are to be reviewed by Mobile Task Force Kappa 12, the French Courtiers, for information regarding SCP-3313. Any information recovered in this manner is to be utilized in locating and recovering SCP-3313. SCP-33131 is, once recovered, to be kept in standard human containment cell at Site 19. Description. SCP-3313 is the severed penis of Benjamin Franklin, hereby referred to as SCP-33131. Despite having no biological support system, SCP-3313 appears resistant to both damage and decay. When in physical contact with any individual, SCP-3313 provides that individual with reality-altering capabilities, roughly analogous with that of a class two reality-altering entity. SCP-3313's provided reality altering capabilities are vocal in nature, and individuals incapable of verbally communicating requests are believed to be incapable of utilizing the object in this manner. Requests made by individuals in physical contact with SCP-3313 are, when within SCP-3313's capacity to grant, fulfilled immediately. These requests are generally fulfilled in an exact and literal manner. SCP-3313 was recovered as part of a previously unknown collection of SCP-33131's personal effects from his time in Paris, France. The object's anomalous properties were immediately discovered once the object itself was identified. Foundation DNA Foundation DNA testing confirmed the object belonged to either a close relative of SCP-33131 or SCP-3313 itself. Incident Omega 54.

SPEAKER_03 37:44

Are they saying are they alluding that Ben Franklin himself is an SCP?

SPEAKER_00 37:49

Well, that's explained here in a second.

SPEAKER_03 37:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Incident Omega-54, however, is provided enough context to conclude that SCP-3313 was in fact SCP-33131's penis. Yes. So you're to answer your question. SCP-33131 is Benjamin Franklin. SCP-3313, the main SCP, is his penis. Normally you would think it would be the other way around, right? Yeah. SCP-3313 would be Benjamin Franklin and Dash 1 would be his penis. There's an incident that was referenced here. Omega-54. Now here's what happened. On July 3rd of 2017, the Chaos Insurgency completed a ritual to resurrect several of the United States founding fathers in an effort to complete a coup of the U.S. government included in this ritual were George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton, and SCP-33131. Which is Ben Franklin. Current dossiers recovered by the SCP Foundation indicate that in addition to various anomalous properties possessed by these five individuals, SCP-3313 possesses possessed no penis. Further information on these animal anomalous properties.

SPEAKER_03 39:01

Well, they really they really checked these guys out, huh?

SPEAKER_00 39:04

Further information on these anomalous properties may be found on Document Omega 54J. All five individuals escaped Chaos Insurgency custody by July 6th and are currently at large. Prior to this incident, SCP-3313 was kept in a standard containment chamber in the low value containment division of Site 88. On July 9th, SCP-33131 gained access to Site 88's low value containment division and was allowed to come into contact with SCP-3313. The methods by which this was achieved are still unknown, and audio records of the incident are not available. Four seconds after physical contact was achieved, SCP-3313 began to generate thrust in a similar manner to that of a chemical rocket engine, and both SCP-3313 and SCP-33131 escaped at the site upwards. This escaped damage all eight of the above floors through SCP-33131 appears to have avoided physical harm. Current calculations indicate that SCP-3313 and SCP-33131's acceleration was insufficient to gain true escape velocity, though the parabola will take several months to complete. The projected landing location is currently unknown. Incredible. So somehow they got Ben Franklin lost his penis and they got a hold of it. And it it has these properties. And then they tried to re somebody tried to resurrect Ben Franklin, and he came in contact with his long-lost penis and rock it. And rocket.

SPEAKER_03 40:41

We studied the penis.

SPEAKER_00 40:42

Yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_03 40:44

While you're too busy studying the blade, I was studying the cock.

SPEAKER_00 40:51

Much more useful skill, in my opinion. Yeah, I agree.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

I could see how that could help with hacking. Uh just the psycho that the psychedelic aspect of the penis and then get hacking skills.

SPEAKER_00 41:08

Right. Because it's basically request fulfilled for you as long as you're able to give that command verbally.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

Yeah, I mean to to quote Jay Surprise in the Discord, uh you could be a wizard, all you have to do is hold a penis. And it's uh yeah, it seems like it. You could do anything as long as you're holding this dong. Which I guess isn't you're not capable of doing that anymore because it's back on Benji. That's okay. Let the man have his dong, you know.

SPEAKER_00 41:36

Right, yeah. Yeah, Benjamin Franklin's flying around out there somewhere, maybe in orbit, maybe in outer space, holding his own penis.

SPEAKER_03 41:46

So just flying around. Maybe instead of tying a a key to a kite string and getting electricity, maybe it was his fucking massive dong in the air and it just got electroshocked, and that's how it happened. His dong fell off. And he was like, oh, but electricity though.

SPEAKER_01 42:08

So that's fun. Maybe. Who's to say? Maybe. I don't know that it is like I don't there's a lot of questions here.

SPEAKER_00 42:20

A lot of questions. I don't have any other answers.

SPEAKER_03 42:24

Do you do you think the other founding fathers' penises do similar things?

SPEAKER_00 42:28

Well, this is the only one that's designated as an SCP, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

SPEAKER_01 42:36

Oh, true. Very true.

SCP-242 The Sterilizing Pool Incident

SPEAKER_03 42:38

Alright, I got my real quick one, and I'm only gonna do this one because it was my original. I feel like I was cheating with the other one a little bit. But I have SCP-242, which is a normal pool of water. So it's object classes safe. Containment procedures. Uh 242 is kept at a home located in Redacted, uh, North uh New Mexico. Uh it was procured by the foundation uh by the original owner, who was an out-of-state landlord who had problems keeping it rented. After retiring, he moved to the uh the building that 242 was at, but disappeared after three days. The home is unremarkable and is inhabited by Dr. Blank and Dr. Blank, who pose as a married couple with no children. The backyard is defined along its perimeter with a cinder block wall approximately two meters high in accordance to the homes in the general vicinity. The pool is monitored at all times by single-level one guard uh who also covers as the couple's live in live and cook. Swimming or waiting in the pool is strongly discouraged, and any access to the pool by anyone other than Class D personnel for experimental reasons is forbidden. Here's the description. 242 is a swimming pool, approximately 4.5 meters wide. By nine meters long with a depth ranging from one meter uh deep on both ends to one and a half meters in the center, and a total volume of 53,000 liters. It has a dual waterfall feature and an in-pool vacuum unit and stairs on one end. Any substances when placed in the pool will eventually be transmutated into sterile water, which will remain sterile even after being removed from 242 and introduced to a non-sterile environment. A sample taken from 242 and poured into a container of water that has been tinted with red food coloring, but did not mix, but rather stayed together as a non-misc-miscable bubble. Subsequent examination of samples shows them to be nothing more than pure sterile water. So basically anything comes in contact with it turns it into water. The length of time required for the transmutation to complete is dependent on the nature of the substance placed into 242. Ordinary river water samples from New Mexico was completely sterilized in seven minutes. Stagnant pond water was sterilized in 18 minutes. 50,000 liters of coal tar was converted over the course of 12 days. The pool contains nothing but sterile water. 50,000 liters of uh coal tar? Well, the pool itself can fit 53,000 liters of water, so I'm sure you find a way.

SPEAKER_00 45:27

So do they drain it? Okay.

SPEAKER_03 45:29

No, you don't ask questions, you don't know what answers to, you know.

SPEAKER_00 45:32

You know, I mean I guess maybe you throw some in, wait for it to dissolve, throw a more and wait for it to dissolve.

SPEAKER_03 45:37

Oh yeah, like over the course of the 12 days. Maybe. While the pool contains nothing but sterile water, there's no apparent action of any of the features in the pool. Uh once a non-water substance is placed in the pool, the water jets and waterfall will come on even if disconnected from a power source. The pool vacuum, if attached, will also activate and drive around the bottom of the pool, even through extremely viscous liquids. There is no cycling of water into or out of the filtration system. Pipes leading to the filtration system have been completely removed and shown to be empty and dry while pool contents were being sterilized. Now, the one last thing I want to read is an incident that occurred. Um during a time when the home was vacant but being monitored by a hidden video camera, a man and woman, apparently in their early 20s, scaled the rear wall and gained access 242. They proceeded to undress and go swimming into the two vinyl inflatable rafts acquired from the shed in the backyard. After the water jets came on, the female was startled and indicated that she wanted to leave. The male claimed that it was just an automatic timer coming out on to clean the pool, and there is nothing to worry about. The couple continued to swim and engage in intimate activities. Twenty-four minutes after the jet started, the female was heard to say that the water was really warm and made her feel tingly. The male agreed. Both climbed onto the respective rafts and fell asleep holding hands. Twenty-nine minutes after the jet started, both of the rafts popped within four seconds of each other, and the couples were again immersed completely in the water. At this time, significant frothing of the water began with a deep red color being given off from the subjects' locations. Subjects were heard to scream loudly and both attempted to exit the pool. Before exit was possible, the couple went under the surface. The frothing stopped, and the pool went from red to clear approximately 48 seconds later. The decision was made to institute a live guard at the pool. After two weeks, a story was leaked to the press that the couple had eloped to an unknown location somewhere in Mexico. So we pretty much have the pool version of the blob.

SPEAKER_00 47:44

But it's sterile water, but it's acid.

SPEAKER_03 47:49

But I I I like that one. It's a fun it's a fun concept, but it's a generic concept I've seen time and time again. It's it's your blob, it's your the stuff, it's you know good body dump things of that nature. Good body dump and location. You're not wrong. You're not wrong at all.

SPEAKER_00 48:05

That's where the government's hiding people that disappear.

SPEAKER_01 48:09

That is.

SPEAKER_03 48:10

That is.

SPEAKER_00 48:11

That is.

SPEAKER_03 48:12

All right, out of out of the four that we've we've heard today, five, sorry, which do we think would be a better hacker?

SPEAKER_00 48:22

I think it's the gayest man alive.

SPEAKER_03 48:25

Really? I think it's the penis. Because if you touch the penis, you get hacking. You can just wish for the magic hacking powers. But what's your what's your reasoning behind the gayest man alive?

SPEAKER_00 48:40

The gayest man alive is the weakest link to any system is people, always. And with any system that has it contains information that you might want, there's someone who has the ability to gain access to that system. So if you're the gayest man alive, all you've got to do is find somebody who can get you in contact with somebody who can get access to this system and tell them to do it.

SPEAKER_03 49:06

Uh get him in your trap.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

Yeah.

unknown 49:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 49:10

The penis thing. I guess it's the not the penis that's doing it, it's the it's whoever's holding it. So it's not necessarily SCP. But I'm still gonna count it.

SPEAKER_00 49:20

The penis thing I m I guess maybe you could do the same thing. But I don't think there's a lot of situations where I don't think the penis would work because it says that it's limited by the penis's ability to make it happen. Which means I take to just mean that it can't do things that are impossible.

SPEAKER_03 49:49

So I mean it made it made Ben Franklin blast off into orbit. I don't know about that.

SPEAKER_00 49:54

That wasn't something Ben Franklin asked for. That was just a thing that was collateral damage. That just happened.

SPEAKER_03 49:59

That that was it was involuntary?

SPEAKER_00 50:02

Yeah. Um so I take that to mean you if if a system is really secure, you couldn't say hold this penis. You couldn't say penis, hack this, get it, get into this, log into this thing. Though I guess it would just magically know I guess it would just magically know passwords, though, right?

SPEAKER_03 50:28

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 50:29

You could just say it's very vague to say penis, put in the password to this.

unknown 50:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:34

And I guess it's that's possible. Hmm.

SPEAKER_03 50:38

Yeah. Well, the whole point of it is like hacking is to get that information. So you could just be like penis, make me the best hacker in the world, and then you would develop the skill to acquire that password or something.

SPEAKER_00 50:47

Yeah, or well, I guess you could say penis, print out all the information in this database. That too.

SPEAKER_03 50:53

And it would just do I think it goes to the I think it goes to the penis. Yeah, the penis is the best hacker.

SPEAKER_00 50:57

Yeah, so you might be right. It might be the penis. Yeah, the gay man's a close second, though.

SPEAKER_03 51:01

Yeah, I agree. Uh, but followed by uh copper junkie. Yeah. Because he has he's just he's a guy with basic rudimentary mathematics skills. So and the other one is a baseball signal and a pool. So I think just in terms of ability, I think he's got it.

SPEAKER_00 51:18

Yeah, the baseball signal is not getting you anywhere at all. And then the pool, I think the pool ranks over the baseball signal because the pool you could use as a weapon. You could take if you have somebody who has access to a system you want to get into, if you're able to get them, you could like stick their arm in the pool and walk, like stick a finger in the pool, and they'll watch it dissolve and be like, I'm gonna keep dunking more body parts in here until you tell me the password or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 51:46

Gotcha. So you're going you're you we're with the when it comes to the pool, it's no longer about hacking, it's a torture method to get the information you want. Hacking.

SPEAKER_00 51:55

That's social engineering in a way.

SPEAKER_03 51:57

That's human hacking.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

Yeah, there's a term for that. There's a term for that. It's called social engineering. And that's the legitimate hacking. It's actually a hacking method that most pen testers use, and it's usually the most successful one.

SPEAKER_03 52:11

Yep, that's the one that we learn the most about at our work.

SPEAKER_00 52:14

Yeah. So anything you can use to persuade someone or get gain control over someone is.

SPEAKER_01 52:22

That's fair. That's hacking.

SPEAKER_03 52:25

Why? Wow. Wowie wowie. Wowie zowie. What did we learn today? We learned that a magic penis can solve all your problems in life. Including hacking. Um if you guys would like to hear more of these, uh, again, this was a little snippet of what we do on our Patreon on the website, either delete.com or patreon.com. Uh, if you want to hear more, go ahead and uh sign up and uh go from there. Um, you can also send us an email at dulepot.gmail.com if you just want to say hey, we respond to just about all those if we can. Uh if you come across a magic penis, you could use that to wish for a kiss from my dad. And he might give it to you.

SPEAKER_01 53:15

Might. That would you got for people?

SPEAKER_00 53:19

Uh the guy from Boston died.

SPEAKER_03 53:22

All right, man. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:23

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_03 53:25

Come on, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 53:28

If you like well, I mean, I guess it's bad in general. But if you if you're like Boston, that's really bad. That is really bad.