DLUTI 236 - CONPLAN 8888

This week we're checking out some real zombie stuff. What's the government up to anyway?

Transcript

Cold Open And Patreon Shoutouts

SPEAKER_06 0:16

Don't look under the internet.

SPEAKER_04 0:28

Okay. We're recording.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

We're recording. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Don't Look Under the Internet, a inner comedy horror podcast where you should Google sad penis movie monster meme and uh enjoy what comes up when you do that. Uh that's Doug.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Oh man, it is me. That's Matt.

SPEAKER_05 0:54

Japan is harnessing electricity from footsteps.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

And I'm Michael. Here with us, not today is Jason. He's not with us today, as you can tell. Daludi housekeeping. We're doing a little housekeeping today. Um, so a couple things I want to bring up. First and foremost, do we have any new patrons or websites? People, hell yeah, brother. That's gonna look you into this shizbop, huh? Uh shouts out to people on the Patreon. This is embarrassing. I had nothing already.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Too busy looking at peans.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

Too busy looking at penis. Yes, that happens sometimes, you know. New members. It won't let me view them. Someone pull up the new members. I think we have a Nikki.

SPEAKER_01 1:49

There it is.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Nikki! Shouts out to Nikki. How you doing, Nikki? Now we're gonna play the game.

SPEAKER_05 1:56

It's called I'm gonna go out on I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is your real name.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

So I gotta say that. So legally by the Supreme Court of Deludi Stan.

SPEAKER_05 2:09

We have to give you a new name.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

So I'm thinking Adam Sandler because Little Nikki. I have no objections to that, actually. Sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

Oh yeah. So now your legal name is no longer Nikki, it's Adam Sandler from Little Nikki. The whole thing. It's not just Adam Sandler.

SPEAKER_05 2:34

The worm monster thing is from an MSN UK commercial.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Damn, I was wrong.

SPEAKER_01 2:41

From 1980. Why do I feel like you're thinking of like basket case or something? I might be. Who knows?

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Do you have the time? So listen to me, Mine. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Uh hey, thank you, uh, Adam Sandler is little Nikki. Appreciate you being a subscriber. Um Thank you for your two dollar. Thank you for your two dollar. And that is housekeeping.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Now,

CONPLAN 8888 Zombie Plan Explained

SPEAKER_00 3:09

boys. Speaking of buying merch.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

Talk about consumerism. You know, consuming stuff left and right. You know what's a movie about consumerism? Fucking, what was it, Day of the Dead or whatever, by George R. George Romero, whatever, with the one with the zombies in the mall. It was about consumerism. You know? You know what's not about consumerism? The zombie thing we're talking about. But it's kind of interesting at the same time. We're talking about Conplan 8888, people.

SPEAKER_01 3:43

Bro, that was that was rough. You're rough. That transition was rough. You're do you have a better one? No, to be fair, but that that was rough.

SPEAKER_05 3:54

I heard the furry convention was in town this weekend. If you're going, you should really have a plan. A con plan, if you will. How's that?

SPEAKER_01 4:07

That's that's the kind of shit we need, Mike. This is the kind that that's setting the bar for us. Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_02 4:14

You you you get you get the bare minimum from me, and that will be the first thing. Okay.

unknown 4:20

All right.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

That's how we level it out. I'll give us the lowest rung on the bar, and Matt will give us the like top-tier HBO fucking subscription shit.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

You're gonna have to be on your toes, though, Matt. Because you'll have to be waiting for him to make a joke.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

Be prepared. Uh, but but complan 8888. It's not just a plan for when you go to a furry convention, it's for zombies. It's a real, legitimate government plan in case of a zombie outbreak. Now, to quote portions of this uh this plan, you can find the plan online. It was given uh away to the public in 2011. I believe Doug may or may not go more into that later, so I'm gonna kind of just leave it at that. Um, but basically, uh so they they break down a couple parts in the plan here, and they state that we elected to use a completely impossible scenario that could never be mistaken as a real plan. The Complan 8888-11 documents uh tell us a little bit more about this plan that they enacted. That's in a quote-unquote completely impossible scenario. But they state that because the plan was so ridiculous, our students not only enjoyed the lessons, they actually were able to explore the basic concepts of plan and order development. Uh very effectively, mind you. The plan lays out how the USS uh the US StratCom would handle a global uprising of the undead. If the US military goes on zombie conditions alert, strategic command is supposed to begin defensive operations to protect the human population and offensive operations to kill all the zombies. Uh the those that are, I guess, looking for something that's like really cool and like grandier, you're gonna be a little disappointed here. I think this is very much like government bureaucracy, like what to do with a zombie outbreak. It's not like, oh, we're gonna get the tanks going and explode. There's like line items and shit, like bullet points. There's a whole like six-step plan to it. So you're not gonna find anything in here that's like uh uh load up tanks with this much artillery and fucking uh give everyone a gun. It's it's gonna be a little bit more bureaucratic uh of an approach, but we'll make it fun. We'll make it a fun one. Um I mean, I hope so. Uh I fucking hope so. Otherwise, oof. Um, but it definitely is it's a staff plan that focuses on identifying the enemy, design uh designating vital infrastructures such as food, power, and medical care, and coordinating friendly forces. Um, it is also uh a multi-phase plan, like I mentioned before, to put down a zombie outbreak. Um, preparations would begin pre-war with the U.S. StratCom and intelligence agencies uh to detect a disease vector that could cause zombiism.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Pre-war? Pre-war.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Uh so with that being said, like I like I mentioned, there are about six phases to what this plan is looking to achieve. Technically, zero counts as a phase, so there's six, bitch.

SPEAKER_05 7:50

Okay, that's fair, man.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

All right, bitch. I can count to five. Um, but yeah, there's there's about six phases that this plan goes over and what to do, what the government's plan is for a zombie apocalypse.

The Six Phases Of Response

SPEAKER_02 8:07

Uh Matt, I believe you have some information on these faces.

SPEAKER_05 8:11

Yeah, sure. So there's five plus zero phases to this whole fucking thing. If you if you Google this thing, you can find the PDF of the whole fucking plan. There's a link to the PDF on scribd.com, which I'm realizing now has three million views and 52 people voted on it. It's only got 79% up votes. There's 21% of people out there who aren't a big fan of the zombie apocalypse plan. But whack.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Too long, didn't read.

SPEAKER_05 8:41

Yeah. Yeah, it is 31 pages.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Yeah, 31.

SPEAKER_05 8:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Uh so 30 on my end.

SPEAKER_05 8:48

So well, the first page is page zero, so phase zero, shape. So in in phase zero, this is basically just preparing for the eventuality that a zombie apocalypse might happen. So there's some bullet points and they're divided into defensive operations and offensive operations. So we've got conduct general zombie awareness training, ensure readiness of C B R N E protective equipment monitoring.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

General Zombie Awareness Month. Don't forget.

SPEAKER_05 9:27

Yeah, right. Exactly. Yeah, I feel this is what I I wish they would hand out like Cold War style information pamphlets and like just drop them from a plane. No, I was thinking like in school, like handing out zombie propaganda and stuff, and like hell yeah, making kids run drills and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 9:46

I'm doing my part. I'm doing my part.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

Let's raise money for your zombie awareness.

SPEAKER_05 9:55

We make sure that the protective equipment is ready. We monitor vectors of zombie contamination for increased threat. And then on the offensive side of things, we're conducting normal combat operations training, ensuring forces can conduct annual hazmat and co-op training, and then form JIACG to ensure contingency plans are synchronized with other federal, state, and tribal agencies. I'm be real with you, I didn't Google or look up what that acronym stands for. So it'd be my guess because I have no fucking idea. But but basically in this stage, we're just we're we're we're preparing the troops for the idea that this might happen. Handing out fucking protective equipment, running combat drills and shit. And phase one uh is deter. So zombies obviously can't be deterred themselves, but we need to deter the rest of the world from actually making the zombies happen.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

So you wouldn't have to call people that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Zombies? Hmm. Keep going. What?

SPEAKER_03 11:00

What is happening? I missed what was happening.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

It's okay. I I missed the the right spot to say that in, and it's now it's not funny. So just go.

SPEAKER_05 11:09

All right. Um conduct large-scale training to demonstrate Stratcom ability to survive and operate in a toxic slash contaminated environment. Deter nation states from pursuing development of deploying of pursuing development of deployment of zombie. So zombie. Don't do that. Don't do zombie. Create pathogens, toxins, or similar capabilities developed by nation states, large corporations, or terrorists or criminal organizations, and conduct large-scale training to demonstrate stratcom ability to decisively target and negate zombie creating pathogens, toxins, or similar capabilities.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

So basically, I don't I don't think we're allowed to say that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

I don't understand what's happening right now. Am I having a stroke?

SPEAKER_01 11:57

You're gonna like listen back to this and be like, man, I sure was slurring a lot.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

Well, I was just playing off the Matt Doug. I was just happening right now. I'm just being stupid.

SPEAKER_05 12:11

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_03 12:12

Matt's gonna listen back and it's just gonna I'm gonna believe a bunch of shit.

SPEAKER_05 12:18

Yeah, 100% is what's about to happen. Zombie creating pathogens since they're similar capabilities.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

So basically, I don't I don't think we're allowed to say that anymore.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

Anyway, I don't think I'm mentally equipped for this today. Anyhow, so basically, this phase of the whole fucking thing is just tell people not to do this. Also, demonstrate to people that were they to do this, we have a plan. It's just psyops. Stage two or phase two, seize initiative, recall all stratcom personnel to duty stations, begin fortification of strat com operation locations, initiate, distribute of protective equipment, and activate co-op plans. If necessary, begin limited scale military operations to negotiate negate the zombie.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

Activate co-op mode.

SPEAKER_05 13:10

Yeah, activate co-op mode, get the arbiter in there. And so this this phase is basically just start setting shit up. We we start setting up barricades, sandbags, and shit. We're fortifying and getting ready for the all-out war with the zombies. Phase three, dominate, lock down all strat com operation locations for 30 days, assume mission-oriented protective posture inside all workstations and direct MOPP four for all personnel who venture outside fortified uh positions, issue orders for defensive forces to kill all non-human life on site. So now we just shoot the zombies. So to catch us up where we're at, we prepare for the inevitability that zombies will happen. We tell people not to make the zombies. When they make the zombies anyway, we set up, we fortify, we set up sandbags and barricades and fortresses and shit and get ready for the zombies. Phase three, we shoot all the zombies, kill them. Phase four, stabilize, deploy recon teams after D plus 30 to ascertain general safety of the environment. Stratcom locations for human habitation, execute counter zombie ISR plan to ID hold out pockets of zombie resistance. So basically, once we shoot the initial waves of zombies, we start sending people out, figure out if there's any zombies still hanging out out there, get rid of them, basically stabilize all the surroundings. And then the final dawn on their asses, the final phase five is restore civil authority, which is now that the whole world's been upended by zombie apocalypse, basically implement authoritarian regime and uh expand government reach. US US. No, so basically, uh at this point, we're sending people into cities and shit and being like, hey, is there any survivors? What's the current status of like the people who were in charge here? And then assist those people in restoring civility and normal life and rooting out like zombies that may still be hiding out somewhere and basically executing the final solution.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Imagine going to imagine this happening in New York and it's the aftermath, and they're like, Hey, how's your politicians looking? Well, the mayor's still alive. Oh, good. Uh, I guess, but it's Giuliani. Oh no. Well, I guess he's mayor again.

SPEAKER_05 15:44

He's just on his ventilator. Like all that's left of New York is Rudy Giuliani and three seasons land or four seasons landscaping.

unknown 15:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

And an Einstein's bagel.

unknown 15:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:57

Dang an Einstein's that's an Einstein's bagel. Phases five plus zero of so again to recap, we're we're we're getting ready for eventuality, trying to get people not to do it, fortifying things when they eventually do do it, shoot all the zombies, move out and try to secure things, and then in the wake of disaster, try to re-establish some sort of civilized society.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

Hoorah! You love to hear it. You do. Now you're all probably what was that? No.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

No.

SPEAKER_00 16:33

No.

unknown 16:34

No.

Eight Zombie Types The Pentagon Lists

SPEAKER_05 16:36

What types of zombies are there, Mike?

SPEAKER_03 16:43

No, you're probably asking yourself, Michael.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Michael. Guy listening. Uh yeah, so this plan goes over multiple different scenarios with multiple different types of zombies.

SPEAKER_05 16:55

I don't think you can say that word anymore, Mike.

unknown 16:59

What?

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Um so there are eight different classes of zombies dressed in the this plan. There's technically nine, but chicken zombies pose no threat to humans, and actions to counter chicken zombies are the responsibilities of the U.S. Department of Justice, Homeland Security, and the Agriculture and Food and Drug Administration. But they're the only real ones.

SPEAKER_05 17:23

So those are the ones we do have to worry about.

SPEAKER_02 17:26

Yeah, they are the only real ones. Um, but something I did want to note, and I think you noted this as you you noticed this as well in your piece there, Matt. Uh, for this being a legal government like plant, riddled with spelling mistakes. They s reason they butchered the word responsibilities here. Uh, and I would know because I copied this directly from the plan. Ronsor barrelaries. It's basically respon responsibilities. It's they someone stroked out for a second on the keyboard. But we have pathogen pathenogenetic zombies, or PZs, radiation zombies, RZs, evil magic zombies, EMZs, space zombies, SZ, weaponized zombies, WZ, symbiont induced zombies, SIZ, and vegetarian zombies, or VZs. Of the eight classes of zombies, four are caused by natural phenomenon that can be reliably monitored and predicted. Zombies caused by natural phenomenon are PZs, RZs, SZs, and SIZs, but not S T Ds, those are different. Those aren't zombies, but those are naturally reoccurring.

SPEAKER_01 18:39

Matt, you're supposed to chime in and be funnier.

SPEAKER_05 18:42

Ah, I was taking my headphones off so I could take my sweater off. Is that funny?

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Got away with that one, Mike.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Of the eight classes, two are caused by man-made or engineered phenomenon that can be reliably monitored and predicted. Zombies caused by man-made phenomenon are RZs and WZs. Basically, you're resident evil zombies. That's what we're looking at here. Um, of the eight classes of zombies, one type is caused by the occult phenomenon that cannot be reliably monitored, predicted, or proven to exist. Zombies caused by occult phenomenon are EMZs or the evil magic zombies, based on most science fiction sources. Evil magic zombies, despite being the hardest threats to eliminate directly by attacking the zombie life form, can usually be eliminated if the source of evil magic is destroyed. There is uh evidence to suggest the chaplain corpse may prove integral to countering these threats. Now, I read this and I immediately thought of what I think might be like the coolest movie, uh, which is like SEAL Team Christ or something, where they send they send a bunch of like because it says chaplain corpse go in to fight these zombies. So I imagine a bunch of like seals, like priests, yeah, dressed in like priest robes, and they're going in with like holy water and like machine guns and shit, and they're just destroying these evil magic zombies. That shit sounds this sounds dope as fuck. I mean, you already have movies like uh The Pope's Exorcist, where like it's a guy that works for the Vatican that like destroys ghosts and shit. So I wouldn't be surprised if priest killing zombies is a thing. You also have the Velocipaster, so who the fuck knows?

SPEAKER_05 20:28

But I I feel like they should remake Doom and just make the guy priest Jesus or something, just make him God.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

You could do that, you very well could do that, and then you have what I'm talking about right here.

SPEAKER_05 20:45

Just an Adum. Jesus could be a badass superhero. They really should have talked.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

Okay, I keep having this discussion with my dad. This is off tangent a little bit, but we have the time, so it's okay. My dad is a Christian fellow, he he's he's listened to the the Bible on tape, uh, all that. He's read the Bible more often than not.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

An audiobook.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

And uh an audiobook and whatnot. And I narrates that Morgan Freedom uh Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

Uh, but the Bible does have some metal ass shit. When you get into like the bits where like Jesus comes down on a horse with a fucking flaming sword to attack a giant red dragon that's the devil, it gets kind of fucking metal. You got the four horsemen that are literally just four demonic horsemen roaming around causing problems in the apocalypse. It's pretty cool. They need to stop marketing the Bible as like Oh, the God is so cool and he's so nice and sharing his caring, like Veggie Tales shit. Nah, they need to get like an HBO Max series where it's dark and grungy and action packed, and just God Kung Fu in his way through demons.

SPEAKER_05 22:00

Yeah, that's kind of what the Greeks did, which is why people are still like obsessed with Greek mythology.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

It's dope as fuck.

SPEAKER_05 22:09

Yeah, yeah. No, but I'm saying like the writers of the Bible really should have stepped up their game because like you can Jesus has like all these powers, but he could be like he could be like a Spider-Man type character, right? He could like fire nails out of his wrist or something and stuff.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Like I don't know. I'm nail man, the carpenter. His name would be the carpenter.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

He's got he can just like manifest nails in his fucking holes.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

That's how he sticks yeah, that's how he sticks the walls.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

See, so many so many uses we're going to hell. Whatever.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Um that was pretty apparent 200 episodes ago.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Yeah, right. Anyway, there's also that family guy bit of the Passion of the Christ 2 where he's doing kung fu, and I they are making a Passion of the Christ 2, so they need to make that happen. Um anyway, moving on from the chapter.

SPEAKER_05 23:08

Is Mel Gibbon a some more?

SPEAKER_02 23:10

He is with Jim Cavizel. He's coming back.

SPEAKER_05 23:14

Mel Mel Gibbon.

SPEAKER_02 23:17

Mel Gibbon, the monkey. Instead of Mel's hole. Anyway, of the eight classes of zombie, one type is created uh by undetermined phenomena. And that is zombies caused by uh vegetation, or not caused by vegetation, that eat vegetation. You're vegetarian zombies. Uh, this class of zombie has been documented in the popular video game Plants versus Zombies. And they also say the movie signs starring Mel Gibson, there weren't zombies in that movie. There are aliens. I don't know what they're talking about. So I don't understand that one.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

Alien zombies. But they're not zombies, they're just aliens. There are no zombies in that movie.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

There are space zombies, that is a thing in this space zombies. Because you have the pathogenic, which is spread by diseases, radiation that's you know, irradiated zombies or evil magic ones that are made by fucking uh occult people, space zombies, right there. Space zombies, they're there's either zombies from space or aliens come and give us a disease that makes zombies, so it's a space disease. There's weaponized zombies, again, which are the resident evil zombies essentially, and symbiont-induced zombies, which is like your The Last of Us, is where it's like the the mushrooms, the fungus, and whatnot. Uh, and then your vegetarian zombies. But yeah, those are the eight different types of zombies that this plan uh uh helps uh kill.

SPEAKER_05 24:42

Are space zombies more or less scary than space ghosts?

SPEAKER_00 24:48

Have you ever seen a space zombie? Yeah, in Dead Space? Hold on. Space zombie sounds like an IPA.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

It has to be. God, that has to be. I'm literally I'm gonna Google that right now. Space zombie. Space zombie.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

This is what I think of when I hear space zombie. It sure is it sure is an IPA.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

It's by Gamma Brewing Company.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Anyway, sick, sick.

SPEAKER_02 25:23

So that that's about that.

Why The Military Wrote It

SPEAKER_02 25:25

But Doug, tell me, why why was this plan created? Well, I'll give you the long and I didn't I just saw your picture of the Scooby-Doo guy. I'm not gonna lie, that the Scooby-Doo space zombie villain or whatever, for it being just a kid's cartoon or whatever, that image goes hard as fuck. I fucking love that design. He's so cool, though.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Original Scooby-Doo Where Are You is sick. Uh I actually love that show.

SPEAKER_05 25:54

Also, Scooby-Doo Zombie Island goes hard as fuck, too.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

It do it went harder than it had to go for us. It did it for us, anyways. Um for 90s kids everywhere. For 90s kids everywhere. Uh, yeah, so I'm gonna give you the long of it, which is actually the short of it. Um, so why was this plan created? Well, I'll tell you why. The plan was created by junior military officers undergoing training related to the Department of Defense's joint operational planning and execution system, or Jopes for short. Yeah, I definitely say that word. You can bleep that. Um, the formalized process by which the department conducts all of its contingency planning and execution, which it says in the name, so that's a little redundant. Anyways, in an effort to learn the Jopes uh process, and to do so in a more interesting way, the students were assigned this completely fictitious scenario and directed to use the jopes develop uh used in the jopes to develop a written contingency plan. Using this fictitious scenario, avoided concerns over the use of a classified information and resolved sensitivity to using real-world nations or scenarios and better engage the students, which to be fair, Mike pretty much already said all of this earlier in the episode. Oh yeah. End fit Finn. Who's up who's up joping right now, boys? Who up joping the uh the zombie who up joping the zombie?

SPEAKER_00 27:30

She joked on my zombie till Iep, you got it.

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Go ahead, give me all. Nah, come on, see ya through, see ya through. Come on.

SPEAKER_05 27:41

She joked on my zombie till I space.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

Oh yeah. You did it, buddy. Oh, do you still think that he's funnier than me?

SPEAKER_01 27:53

You know, we all have a camera. I can't answer that right now.

SPEAKER_02 27:59

This was kind of a an interesting topic. I know it's

Our Personal Zombie Survival Plans

SPEAKER_02 28:04

not exactly like the biggest, like, oh, this isn't like a that scary of a thing or that in internet involved, but I thought it was real interesting. And it brought me to the point that I have been looking forward to the most, where I want to know what your guys' zombie plan is. So let's just say, boom, zombie outbreak happens, day one. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Alright, I've been thinking about this for a long time, and it actually really depends on the type of zombie, to be fair. But I always imagine that if if I'm in a zombie apocalypse scenario, it's the slow, stupid zombies that are just like walking around in circles going, ooh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:45

Let's we're we're using walking dead zombies here, they're just the slow ones.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Yeah, so it's always gonna be Dawn of the Dead. It's go to the mall. That's uh it's been my it's like my favorite zombie movie, the original, and the remake is actually pretty good too, surprisingly. But uh yeah, I you go to the mall and you fortify the mall, and you hopefully live in a state that has a gun store in the mall, uh or something like that. You get yourself a Wetzel pretzel and you just ride it out, baby. Yep, yep, because you know, I mean, there's food, there's comfort, there's clothes. There's but here's the problem probably electronics and shit.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

Every movie you watch that in, the mall fails. Something happens, and look at fucking what's the game? There's that game.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The mall didn't fail, the people failed. Because some asshole, one of the people, sucks, gets bitten, gives birth to a zombie baby. I don't know, you name it. It's fucking some dumb shit happens because no one wants to be like, I got bit. Someone bit me, and I am hiding a bite every time. That's what you don't want to get shot in your stupid zombie head, but it's gonna happen.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Uh also back in the day I read the it was like uh I think it was called the zombie survival guide. Um yeah, it was it was uh it wasn't the best, but it was fun, I guess. Gotta you gotta gotta fortify high up and then break whatever stairs you have.

SPEAKER_02 30:23

Now, do you do you live near like close enough to a mall to where you can realistically get there in time before you get overwhelmed by zombies?

SPEAKER_01 30:32

I live close to a mall, but the mall fucking sucks ass. It's like half abandoned. So has your plan changed at all depending on where you live now? Oh no, I'm fucked. I live in Florida. I'm I'm absolutely fucked.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

I don't know. You might actually be better off because like in my scenario, zombies can't do they don't do water very well, so you might be able to just hop on a boat and fuck off into the ocean or something, and then just come back every now and then for supplies.

SPEAKER_05 31:00

That's my yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:01

Um it's to say there's life for me. 100%. I'm just gonna go to the next one.

SPEAKER_02 31:08

Yeah, I wonder if I wonder if like cruise lines will be like like like like life, like new cities or something in this situation. Like there'll be new like that's where people will gather to will be like giant cruise lines and and things like that.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

Which sucks because you won't catch me dead on a cruise ever. So those people are gonna luck the fuck out first and foremost. But they also have to worry about fucking hantavirus now, so there's that.

SPEAKER_05 31:37

We're building water world, motherfuckers.

SPEAKER_01 31:40

Hell yeah. Waterworld.

SPEAKER_02 31:42

What uh what's the wait? What's your plan, Moody?

SPEAKER_05 31:45

I don't concern myself with the hypotheticals that couldn't be. I don't know. Like uh I'm gonna steal a fast car and then I'm gonna drive to some place where I can acquire a boat that I feel as though I can reasonably handle on my own. And then yeah, load it up with supplies, and then just I don't know, take my chances on the open water, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 32:17

So you're going cross country then, because you you live in a place where you don't have open water.

SPEAKER_05 32:23

I guess you have a river, a big river, but yeah, I could steal the on the last remaining fucking World War II. You can have a battleship, yeah. Steal that thing.

SPEAKER_03 32:37

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:39

Head down the Ohio River. Um no, I don't know. I I don't I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about the zombie apocalypse thing because I don't know. Like, do you really want to live? That's the thing. Like, and what's it what exactly is the situation here? Like, are you the only person who has made it through the zombie apocalypse by some sort of thing? You don't know them. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, but if there's no friends you make along the way, then like I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 33:16

Well then yeah, you you just eventually kill yourself for sure. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't know. Ask the guy from Glendale Archives.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

I have had the same zombie plan for like probably 15 years now. And it's because I worked in a Menards warehouse in my youthful years. And let me tell you, those warehouses are pristine uh like bunkers. They have the the one I worked at had a like a gate all the way around it so nothing can get in. It's up high because everything is like six feet up because trucks back in and you unload from the trucks. So the whole building itself is raised about six feet up already. So there's no way that they can get in unless they use the like four doors, and they're just regular doors. You just block those off. So nothing can get in or out. Now, there are a couple problems with this. First and foremost, lighting in this thing. It's a big warehouse, it's the size of a goddamn football field. So lighting's gonna be an issue. It's pitch black without electricity. So you would need to figure out some way to get sunlight in during the day. But other than that, it's got real high-up areas that you can climb easily, but like zombies wouldn't be able to get up there. You can use that as like your main areas. It's got forklifts that you can use as barricades or protection. And yes, there might not be electricity, but the batteries on those things last for fucking ever. They hold a charge forever, and some of them run on propane, which they have giant propane tanks. Um, or don't run propane, they run on natural gas, and there's natural gas tanks all over the fucking warehouse. So you're set on weaponry, you're set on natural gas for like uh uh running the forklift or using that for like fire or even energy as well. Um and then what I would do, the thought of all this already, is I would have a semi-truck hooked up and ready to go, and that's gonna be my out. If the zombies ever get in, you just go in through the bed of the truck, you pop out through the hole that's in it, and then you get into the driver's seat and you drive off, and you just leave and you find a new place.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Nice. This is the plot to dawn of the dead.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

Yes, but not a mall, a warehouse.

SPEAKER_05 35:40

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

So it's different.

SPEAKER_05 35:42

I know my answer's not very exciting, but like I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this because like I don't value my in this hypothetical situation, I don't value my life enough to like prepare for this. Like if this happens, I'm gonna wing it for a little bit and then whatever happens.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

When you're editing, put in like the you know, the suicide hotline number.

SPEAKER_05 36:06

I think I have Googled things before that weren't even really just like I want to kill myself, but just things that vaguely hinted at like the fact that I didn't value my own existence enough, and and the Google's been like, You're thinking about hurting yourself.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

Like, call this just like sliding you the number. It's like, come on, just take the number.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

This for the first session's on us, but don't worry. I would say that would be my my short-term one because it's so close. Long-term goal, make my way to Lake Michigan on the outskirt of Chicago, and then just live out on the lake, and then every now and then you just run into the city. Yeah, it's probably full of zombies, but you're on the lake. You could probably just go in and out with whatever you need and be cool. Yeah. That's what we would do. And it's fresh water, so if you get thirsty, just dip a bucket into Lake Michigan. Will it taste good? Probably not. Will you get diarrhea? Probably, but you can drink it.

SPEAKER_05 37:06

So I think I would take the opportunity to do things that because like now there are things I wouldn't do because I value my life enough or value wanting to exist enough that I'm not prepared to do them or take that risk. Like, there's a guy I watch on Instagram who just sails across the ocean in a sailboat. And like that's the type of shit I would do. I would just like come up with progressively in more insane things that I would never do because not only one, this is gonna kill me, but two, if I do survive this, I may end up in a state where like now I have to live the rest of my life, and I have put f I've fucked up my entire career and everything to sail across the ocean or whatever. But now I don't have any of those pressures, and now I can just be like, well, if I die, I die. Chances are good I'm gonna die anyway. So yeah, I do shit like just like grab a boat and just take off and see what happens.

SPEAKER_02 38:15

The zombie apocalypse definitely gives you more freedom than we have now. Yeah, it definitely allows you to do more. Um, but I I'm kind of in the same boat, like uh I mean, not anymore because I have a family I would need to protect in this type of a situation.

SPEAKER_05 38:29

Yeah, I'm sure my perspective would be different if that was the situation.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

But if if I was a single man, I would keep like a gun and a single bullet on me at all times and just just go crazy and just live life. And then once I get into a bad position, be like, it went as good as it could.

SPEAKER_05 38:45

Right. That that's that's what I'm saying is I'm just gonna keep doing progressively more insane things and see which one kills me.

SPEAKER_02 38:50

I would I would fucking run naked through a zombie mall or something, just yeah, hit up a fucking uh a fancy steakhouse and like just be like I don't know. I'll just do dumb shit.

SPEAKER_05 39:05

Yeah, you can just do dumb shit. Jome alone the earth, basically.

SPEAKER_02 39:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. I'd get a fucking NAS car just driving around the suburbs just like through the middle of Beverly Hills, just doing burnouts and Brad Pitts drive away. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I would do that too. I'd I would I would find like a bunch of celebrities' houses and just fucking sleep in them. Be like, oh, this is what fucking Tom Cruise lives like.

SPEAKER_05 39:35

Okay, yeah, yeah. Now you're in a position where those fish.

SPEAKER_02 39:39

Yeah, no, he's fucking his fish.

SPEAKER_05 39:41

You could finally see what's going on inside the Scientology buildings.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

You can shit. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. There are so many benefits to the zombie apocalypse.

SPEAKER_05 39:51

Yeah, you just get the you now get to take in the world at as a museum of humanity's history.

SPEAKER_02 40:01

Yeah. Because like I I never understood in like zombie movies when like they're like, oh, what are we gonna do for shelter? Find something. I don't know. Like they're there's zombies.

SPEAKER_05 40:11

So many options.

SPEAKER_02 40:12

Yeah, like like, for example, you could probably survive just in your regular house if you have a basement, and just like at night, just go under the basement. Zombies are and close the door. Zombies aren't gonna come for you in the basement, they can't hear you, they don't care, they don't know that you're down there. Just don't scream, just be quiet, shut the fuck up and just sleep in your basement. You'll be fine.

SPEAKER_05 40:33

What if they can smell you?

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Uh uh. Yeah. That wasn't part

Zombie Decay Preppers And Bunkers

SPEAKER_02 40:40

of the deal.

SPEAKER_01 40:40

But that's boring. You don't even get into like how quickly a zombie actually decays either. So uh year.

SPEAKER_02 40:47

I I read a thing that a zombie would decay in. I I've I when I was like younger, like when The Walking Dead was on, I went full blown into like zombie survival shit. And uh there is an article I read that with the zombies just being out in the wild, like in the sun as often as they would be, and like moving as often as they would be, their bodies would decay after like a year max. We would have a zombie outbreak for a year max before the bodies just literally fall to dust because the sun would shrivel them up and they would just be grinding their feet down to like nothing, scooting across the pavement and rocks and shit.

SPEAKER_05 41:25

That checks out.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 41:28

Very fun stuff. I really don't understand preppers who like put a bunch of shit in their house and they're like, oh, if the zombie apocalypse happens, or like if something, if like the world goes tits up, I'm gonna barricade myself in my house, and like I'm we're gonna be able to survive in this bunker inside our house for like soever however many years or whatever, and I'm like, that sounds boring as fuck.

SPEAKER_02 41:52

I can survive off this bucket of pre uh powdered clam chowder for 20 years.

SPEAKER_05 41:56

Why? Just fucking give it up, man. Like, I feel like this is I would if something like this catastrophic happens, I feel like this is the universe's sign to be that like it's been a good run.

SPEAKER_02 42:08

Like this is the biblical flood part two, right? Like, call it. I don't know. Some of the bunkers I see are like kind of bougie where I'm like, I'd fuck around and stay there for like a year or so. Like, so I I saw this one where like Zuckerberg's bunker in Hawaii would be kind of rad, but oh yeah. Is that the one that like uh there's a rich person, I don't remember who, it might have been Zuckerberg, where like basically is like an underground hotel, like it's fucking gigantic.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

Maybe I think there's an Airbnb that's like that too. Yeah, it's like literally like fucking super far underground, and it has like a water park, like a bunch of living spaces, a movie theater, like everything you could think of, bowling alleys and stuff. And it's like literally an Airbnb. That's wild.

SPEAKER_02 42:51

Sounds great until uh the electricity goes out and you have no ventilating air.

SPEAKER_01 42:56

Right. I'm sure there's I'm sure there's some sort of generator or something that they've put into the building. I have to assume, right? Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

Um this youtuber I watch Jerry rig everything. He's got a uh underground bunker in his backyard. It's pretty cool. Anyway, pretty cool. Thank you. On that note of Doug complimenting me, let's end this fucker.

Support The Show And Sign Off

SPEAKER_02 43:18

Uh, thank you all for listening. Uh, if you want to support the show, go to deludypod.com, diluti.com or patreon.com slash dilutypod. Uh and you can become a member, sign up, see some bonus content. We got fucking plenty of it. Uh, and uh some discounts on the merch. And like I said at the beginning of the episode, we got some new merch coming up, so that'll be super fun. You should see that by the time this comes out. Um, go ahead and uh shoot us an email as well at uh dilutypod at gmail.com and we will respond to it. So that's fun. And if you're in a zombie apocalypse, I want you to find every zombified dad. Give him a little kiss, give him the kiss of life. You know what I'm saying? Bring him back. Once we get all the dads, we can do some dad core and uh just blast Chad Kroger and and skill it all the way down the fucking block as we punch zombies. Just play Breaking Benjamin while you hack zombies down. It'd be amazing. Honestly, if if there was a zombie outbreak, I would do some shit like that. I would put pull out like a JBL speaker and play some like Breaking Benjamin or something or something, or some like corn, and just go fucking ham on some zombies. Like I'd spend like at least one hour doing that.

SPEAKER_01 44:40

You and that JBL speaker, man. Get a room.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

Hell yeah, dude. Anyway, uh, what do you boys gotta say? Matt, what you got for the people? Uh come back to me.

unknown 44:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 44:56

He's gonna look up some bad news.

SPEAKER_01 44:58

You forgot to get news, yeah? Yep, I sure did.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

Doug, what you got for the people?

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Um, all I gotta say is brings and peans and beans.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:12

Put it all together.

SPEAKER_02 45:14

Matt, do you not do a do you not understand the world we live in? There's bad news every hour. It's so easy to find it.

SPEAKER_05 45:20

It doesn't necessarily have to be bad news.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

I can literally open my phone and see bad news right away. What what about that Met Gala, huh? Jeff Bezos owned.

SPEAKER_02 45:34

What about that Met Gala? Did you just Google like current affairs or something?

SPEAKER_05 45:39

I went to the front page of CNN.

SPEAKER_02 45:41

Oh yeah. I don't know. Wow, hard hitting journalism by CNN, a Met Gala. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye.